Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It Was All we'd Ever Need.

It's been a long week. erm...a long week and two days. I have been on an emotional roller coaster this whole time. It's very difficult to look into the eyes of someone who you are in love with, and know that whatever feelings they felt for you have vanished. You don't understand it? Yeah, well neither do I.

I've been fighting with myself this whole time. Part of me is convincing the rest of me that this is the right thing. That this is obviously what he wants and obviously what he needs, and that he was trying to protect us both. Part of me wants to be friends and have that be okay and be enough. But there is that part of me that is screaming "What about what I want? What about what I need?" I stand there, and I look at him, and I'm biting through my tongue, biting my lip until it bleeds, holding back everything I'm dying to scream. I just want to reach out, grab him by the shoulders, and shake him as hard as I can until I get through to him; until I can make him see. We sit, side by side, shoulders touching, close enough that I can hear him breathing and smell his Ed Hardy/BOD/random good-smelling cologne, and I just want to reach out and grab his hand and hold on as tight as I can. But it's like this...wall. This invisible wall separating his hand from mine. I get so far and then something pushes back. So I pull my hand back and grasp my other hand as tight as I can. I twist my replacement ring around my middle finger and stare at my hand. The hand that should be laced in his. The hand that should be wearing his ring. And again, I bite my lip and fight the tears that are begging to fall. I sit in my room, pounding at my keyboard, singing at the top of my lungs, as if I'm willing the reverberations in my dorm room to carry away all the pain that I have bottled up inside me. It's all trapped there, and it's killing me. It's killing me to smile and laugh and see him every day and act like nothing is wrong. It's killing me to see you act like's killing me to know you aren't acting. Part of me wants to push you away. Part of me wants to delete you, erase you, sit as far from you as I can. But I can't bear to. I can't bear to be away from you. I can't bear to not have you to talk to, to make me laugh. I can't bear to not be able to look into those eyes. But I can't bear to not kiss you goodbye. I can't bear to not say "I love you." I can't bear to not wake up beside you in the morning. Id rather just not wake up at all. Every ounce of me is just screaming "Fight for him. Damnit, fight for him. You know he's the best you've ever had; the best you've ever known. You know no one will ever love you the way he did." And I so badly want to listen to that part of me. I want to badly to run up to you, grab you and kiss you until you feel it too. I so badly want to just hold you; just hug you around the waist and listen to your heartbeat and know that in that moment, everything is okay. Because right now, nothing is okay. Nothing feels right. I feel like I'm just observing my own life. I don't feel anything. I don't experience anything. I'm just numb to everything. Everything but you. You make me feel. Yeah, right now I feel...awful. But when it's good, you make me feel everything amazing all at once. You make me feel alive. I'm not living anymore. I'm surviving. I was stupid to fall so hard. I was stupid to give you so much. I was stupid to completely open my heart and let you do with it what you wanted. But I did and it's done and now you have all of me. Every last, stinking piece of me. You have my heart and my soul and my love and my mind too. 'Cause you're always on it. I see you everywhere. I hear your name everywhere I go. Everywhere I look there is someone or something that reminds me of you, a memory, a joke, a song, everywhere. I can't even close my eyes without your face staring back at me. I can't escape it. I sit and I cry for hours, alone in my room in the dark. I cry until I make myself sick. I don't eat. Or I eat too much and make myself sick again. I don't fall asleep for hours because I'm thinking of you, or I sleep for hours and hours because at least in my dreams I have you. I've lost all motivation for everything. I don't care to go to classes, or do the work, or pay attention. I don't even feel like singing anymore. Unless I'm pounding away at a piano. Rehearsals bore and annoy me. People bore and annoy me. I have no patience, no tolerance and no desire to deal with anyone. Sometimes, I don't even want to talk to my own best friends because I'm just...miserable. I'm miserable. I have never in my life felt this way before. I don't even remember feeling this way during the worst years of my life. And I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that a boy made me feel like this. I'm ashamed that a boy has made me lose myself in loneliness and depression. I'm ashamed that I gave a boy this much power over me. I want to get better. I want to be better. I want to know that I am going to be okay without him. But I don't. I don't know anything except that this is a mistake; that we weren't supposed to end like this; that this was supposed to last; and that I love you, with everything I have. Which right now isn't much of anything. To be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared of how I'm feeling. I'm scared of who I am now. But I was scared before too. I was scared of loving you. Turns out, I guess I should have been. I just want to go. I want to leave. I want to get out of this place and away from these people and be someone else. Anyone else. I want to be anyone but the girl who always ends up alone. I want to be the girl that everyone wants to be with. I want to be the happy, fun-loving, amazing personality, beautiful, charming, and adored girl that I felt like when I was with you. I want to feel like that again. Id give anything to get that feeling back. I've never thought much of myself. But you showed me that I was more than the girl I saw in the mirror everyday. And I want to see that girl again. I want everyone to see that girl. I want to be that girl. But I'm not. I never really was. I couldn't have been, because if I was, you would still want me. You would still be with me. You wouldn't have left. No, instead I'm the girl that everyone gets sick of. I'm the girl that asks too much, and wants too much, and is too clingy and too needy and too loving. I'm the girl that gives everything she has because she feels like it's right, and then ends up with shit because it never stays right for long. I'm the girl that makes wishes on stars and 11:11 and prays for miracles because she's tired of falling asleep alone at night and waking up alone in the morning. I miss waking up beside you. I miss everything about you. I miss loving you. I miss you loving me. I miss you so much. I just want what everyone else has. I just want a happy, long-lasting, loving relationship with someone I adore and who adores me back. But I'm never going to find that, am I? I'm never going to be that girl. I can only have a good thing for so long. I'm not allowed to keep it forever. You have to have a few rainy days to appreciate the sunny ones? Well do all my rainy days have to outweigh the sunny ones? Why can't I, for once in my life, have a lifetime of sunny days and only a few rainy ones? Why does the rain cloud follow me everywhere, but everywhere else I look, everyone else has the sun? Why can't I have the sun too? Why aren't I good enough? Why did I have to be the way I am? Why couldn't God have let me be like the rest of my friends? Pretty and smart and funny and attractive and happy? Why am I not allowed to be happy? Why aren't I allowed to be loved? It's not fair. And I know you'll tell me "life isn't fair." Yeah, well, life seems pretty fair for everyone else. I think I just got the short end of the stick. I know I'm lucky. I know I have so much in my life to be thankful for. I know I have a wonderful family, and wonderful friends, and I was blessed with music, which I am so thankful for because I wouldn't have survived this long without it. But right now, it's so hard to see all the things I've got through all the tears I can't stop crying. I just want to be loved. I just want to be happy. I just want to be that girl again.

I just want you.

I. Just. Want. You.

Boy, it's been all this time & I can't get you off my mind & nobody knows it but me.
I stare at your photograph; still sleep in the shirt you left & nobody knows it but me.
Everyday I wipe my tears away.
So many nights I've prayed for you to say: "I should've been chasing you. I should've been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me."
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me.
Maybe I could've made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need.

My friends think I'm moving on, but the truth is I'm not that strong & nobody knows it but me.
I've kept all the words you said in a box underneath my bed & nobody knows it but me.
If you're happy I'll get through somehow, but the truth is that I've been screaming out: "I should've been chasing you. I should've been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me."
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me.
Maybe I could've made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need.

Yeah, what we was all we'd ever need.

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