Friday, July 17, 2009

The Object of My Affections

I will not lie--I have fallen in love with a fictional character.

This may or may not have happened before.

First there was Harmon Rabb

The Navy Commander Tomcat Pilot-turned JAG lawyer.
He was handsome & strong and a hero.
I was 13 & in need of saving.

Then came Luke Danes


The rugged, silent-type diner owner.
He had a heart of gold, a set or good morals & an endless supply of coffee & donuts.
I was 16, & he was rough around the edges.

How could I forget Dr. Gregory House.


The grumpy, antisocial, curmudgeon with a pain problem & a Vicodin habit.
But he played piano, & guitar, and he was a doctor--a sexy doctor.
I was 18, & he was a beautiful mess.

While I loved these men dearly, & quite nearly gave them all I had, there is one man who has entirely captured my heart.

His name, my friends, is Professor Severus Snape.


Ah, yes--the collective set of gasps I just heard was just exactly the kind of response I expected. So HOW in Merlin's name could I possibly find myself attracted to the "dungeon bat" do you ask? Well, it's quite simple, really.

Above all, he is brilliant. The man became a Potions Master & a Professor by the age of 21. He has invented several new Potions of his own, while finding ways to improve upon already existing Potions, rendering them more efficient under the pseudonym "the Half-Blood Prince." He is also proficient in the art of writing his own spells, as well as some of the rarest forms of magic known among wizard-kind. (At this point, I beg of you--do not burst my bubble about the nonexistence of the wizarding world. As far as I am concerned, magic is real, Hogwarts really hides somewhere in Scotland, and the owl carrying my letter got lost or died on its way.)

Severus is one of the bravest men anyone could ever imagine. He willingly put himself in harm's way by serving as a double agent between Light and Dark. By risking himself to Lord Voldemort in order to bring information back to Dumbledore & the Order, he saved countless numbers of lives, and was really, as much of an asset to the cause as Harry Potter himself was.

He is wise and mature, which draws me to him in ways I cannot describe. The person I am longs for an intelligent conversation, not immaturity, which is what I find in the majority of men my age. I need stability and passion, not nonsense and a lack of tact.

Professor Snape has this mysterious, brooding quality about him, which instantly attracts me to him on a physical level. He is tall, foreboding and intimidating, but yet his dark eyes hold something inside them that shows me he has a heart and soul worth reaching out for. I feel he is capable of receiving love--as well as loving others himself, although it would be a difficult struggle for him to really allow himself to open up. The man is jaded and hurting, after all.

But then maybe that is why I latched on to him in the first place. He is damaged, in desperate need of repair. And I am in need of someone whom I can fix--or ultimately, someone who can fix me. It seems to be a common link between the men I bring into my life (fictionally speaking, of course.) Harm has spent much of his life in a desperate search for his missing father, while Luke is still reeling from the tragic losses of both his parents when he was younger; his mother when he was a child, and his father when Luke was near 20. Dr. House is more obviously broken, with the damage to his leg, and the abuse of prescription painkillers. But his pain runs deep, to an emotional level, where he struggles with the ideas of love, and commitment, and hope. Severus Snape is much the same, hurting physically from the effects of acting as a spy (which ultimately leads to his death--but we won't discuss that, because in my mind, Snape lives forever. Another bubble I'd prefer you let me keep from bursting thankyouverymuch.) as well as emotionally from the loss of his childhood best friend/love, Lily Evans. the mother of the Chosen One. The guilt he feels over her (and her husband's) death is insurmountable, and the price he pays is heartbreaking in and of itself. He sacrificed so much of himself for that cause, and has nothing to show for it.

Severus Snape is a brilliant, misunderstood, mysterious, and noble man, who deserved so much better than the hand he was dealt. Perhaps this is why I love the dark and brooding man in the billowing black robes. Don't take me the wrong way. I will continue waiting on my real life "Half-Blood Prince" to come along, black cape and all. But until that day comes, I will continue to find myself lost in love between the pages of the books where he resides.

Author's Note: For the record, this was more a character study of Professor Snape, and the romantic aspect of this post should not be taken seriously. I am not actually "in love" with a character from a book. Or any television shows. These men are merely considered "fandom infatuations." I enjoy watching television shows, or reading books, and spending hours analyzing the characters and the plot-lines. I find it more interesting than analyzing my own life. haha. However, I will admit that if I ever meet a man with the many qualities possessed by Severus Snape, I would not hesitate to melt over him like a popsicle on the fourth of July. :)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Super Mario & Paychecks

So TJMaxx hired me. June 15, 2009. woot! That phone call was probably the best one ever. I love the job so far & hopefully it will stay that way. First paycheck Friday!!! :D

I bought two Super Mario games off of eBay last week for my Super Nintendo. I've been playing ever since. I love Mario. & Luigi. & YOSHI! & them little Goomba things that look like squished monkeys. Yeah, they're bad guys, but they make me giggle. Mario is a nice change of pace from Tetris. I mean...Tetris clears my mind so I can focus on thinking about things I may not particularly want to think about. But Mario...well he just lets me stomp on bad guys and slide down flagpoles. That's pretty sweet.

I sang the National Anthem at the Jammers game last night. Everyone told me I did great, and I mean..I did okay. But I started too high, so it's wasn't the best I've done. AND my mom forgot how to make a camera turn on, so I don't have any pictures. ughhh. But that's okay. I've got another game August 11th. I'll just give it another go. :) But I need camera-literate people to come, so I don't have to trust my mom again. She sucks at cameras. For real.

I'm going to Subway with Ashley tomorrow. We were gonna go today, but her car broke down, so we have to wait. Then Monday, I guess Shara & I might go to the mall or something. I'm excited 'cause we haven't hung out in foreverrrr & I miss her.

Hmmm. I had a lot to write about awhile ago, but I don't remember any of what I was going to talk about. Maybe it's better off that way...maybe my thoughts are all better left unsaid.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Nothing Ever Changes

Nothing ever changes.

I am still the same girl I was the last time I wrote here: single, jobless, pathetic.

I'm not finding what I'm looking for, I'm tired of waiting, and I don't know what else I can do.

I've been beyond isolated lately--on purpose. I stopped carrying my phone with me, I stopped signing onto AIM, I only ever played games and updated my status message on Facebook. I didn't feel like talking; I don't feel like much of anything at all.

"It's 3am and I'm still awake, writing a song. If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to." Ah, a slightly altered song lyric - sue me. Song lyrics are the only thing that seem to make sense anymore. Well that and House/The Nanny/Gilmore Girls/Bones episodes. Yes, television has been acting as a psuedo-therapist lately. It's probably not healthy, but it's there.

I can't take this anymore. I can't deal with anything right now. I'm so tired, and I'm so done.

And not one sane person I know even takes the time to read this thing anyway; which is probably a good, safe idea for them. My thoughts tend to corrupt and utterly ruin a person. Sorry, my bad.

Lost and Drowning

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Another Letter to the Man I'm Meant to Be With;

I don't know if I have met you or not, but either way there isn’t a single day that goes by without me thinking about you. I think of where you are and what you are doing. I wonder if you are smiling right now, and I wonder if you are thinking about me. Sometimes, I begin to imagine you with your current girlfriend. Or perhaps you are nursing an aching heart? I have to ask: Do you miss her? Do you miss the way her hair fell in her face and how her smile lit up the room? Will the pain she has brought you cause you to appreciate me more when I show up? I hope so.
You see, I've always wondered if all of the awful things I've been through have happened to make me better suited for you. I figure that all of the heartache I've felt will eventually lead me to something amazing, like having you in my life. Maybe one day this struggle will bring me to where you are, wherever you are.
Let me tell you about how absolutely ridiculous I'm going to look when we meet. See, it probably will happen when I least expect it. I will be down on my luck, and it will feel as if it will never get any better. Perhaps I just began my first day on the job of my dreams, perhaps I just got fired. Maybe I will walk into a classroom with my computer under my arm and a cup of morning coffee in my hand. Maybe it will be a warm summer day, maybe it will be a blizzard in the dead of winter, or maybe a dreary, rainy day in the middle of spring. I can't really tell you the details of that day, although I wish I could. I wish I knew just how it would happen. But God will never let me know until it’s the right time for both of us to meet. He wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise for us. But I am sure it will be a day we will never forget. I apologize ahead of time if my hair is a disaster and my makeup is a mess. Oh, and I'm also sorry if my jeans are torn or if I just woke up on your roommate’s couch from a wild night of partying and I lost my pants. Really, I apologize in advance. Do not let this occurrence tarnish your opinion of me. I'm not usually like this, I swear.
Oh, and sorry if I make a fool of myself in front of your parents. I probably will. Also, about that inappropriate joke I told your mother... be grateful I didn’t get to the punch line. Here’s a hint: it involved a donkey, a priest, and a candlestick. You connect the dots.
I promise I will always appreciate you and who you are. I will appreciate your effort, your care towards me, your unconditional love, and even the times that you don't quite get it right. I will forgive you for forgetting our anniversary, for not picking up the ice cream like I asked, for leaving the toilet seat up, and even for changing the radio station in the car during my favorite song. I promise you, even if I seem angry and annoyed, I still love you.
Please accept all of my flaws and imperfections. Please understand why I fight so hard to keep you around. It’s only because I have never felt this good before. I have never felt that there is something there for me to fight so mercilessly for. There has never been a day in my life when the sun shone this bright, the sound of music delighted me this much, the sky was a shade of the clearest blue, and the stars were finally aligned just for us. I can also tell you now that I have never felt this way about anyone before. Not once. Not ever. Never again. I am all yours, and that means even the not-so-great stuff. But I promise to do my best when it comes to you and I, and together we will be amazing. Together until the very end, okay? When others were praying for insignificant things; I asked God only for you. That is why I fight so hard for you.
There will be days when I am angry at you, and days when I'm jealous or insecure. Those days will come and go and I will always end up remembering all the many the good things about you. The things that I have fallen in love with.
So today as you sit where you are, as you do what you do, please remember; I am here, and I love you already. This day in May all I can think about is you. I miss you and I bet I haven't even met you yet.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Uh this song saved my life a little bit.

A couple years ago, I was going through some...stuff. And I went to KB with Brian & Amber & some cool people like that, and I saw Casting Crowns for the first time ever. I heard this song & seriously cried forever. yeah. so today I played it [kinda]. this is what I do when I have too much time on my hands. lol.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


You were here today. You were actually here, face to face with me today. I could reach out & touch you, look at you, smile at you, laugh with/at you, yell at you, stare at you--you were here. Actually, really, completely in the flesh here.

From the moment I heard my dog barking at the window, to the moment I launched myself at you, right up until the moment I watched you drive away, down the road, my mind was absolutely racing with every possible, conceivable thought. And as I hugged you for the 439685769578363th time, I really, truely, finally realized something.

I'm okay. 99.9% absolutely okay. That 0.1% is the spark that is always, always, always gonna exist in my heart for you, the 0.1% that will continue holding out hope for the "spending the rest of my life with my first love" fairy-tale ending. But the other 99.9% of me is--absolutely okay with us and the way we are. You were here with me, and for that half an was as nothing had ever changed. We picked up right where we left off; the way best friends always do.

jrb, I will always and forever love you. But I swear on the lives of my cats that you apparently despise, even though you pet them, that I am absolutely and completely okay with whatever future you and I may or may not have. I will find someone new and I will fall in love again, and I will have a happy ending. Even if it isn't with you.

Because you and I have something that I wouldn't trade for all the stars in the sky.

We have each other; we have what we have.

And it's enough.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Ohh House Season Finale - How you torment my poor heart.

If you didn't already know, I am a self-proclaimed House addict. I am to House as Gregory House is to vicodin. Basically. I am also a Huddy shipper, meaning that I think House and Cuddy are the OTP...or one true pairing. So I have been highly anticipating the last two episodes of the season. Why? Because it was highly rumored that there would be a House/Cuddy hook-up. last week, we got our very first taste...we got the House/Cuddy kiss(es). And I was so happy. And waiting for this week's episode so we could see the fall-out from the happenings between my OTP. And boy did we get some fall-out. *sigh*

So here is my reaction:

Initally, I was screaming at the television. "What? OMG NOO! How can this be happening? What are you doing? What is going on?" I was bawling, and going nuts, and scaring the crap out of my roommates. Then I let it sink in a little. I got on the phone with my friend Jordyn, who I got addicted to the show after two weeks ago. We started discussing and analyzing the show, and I started to come to terms with what happened.

House hallucinated. Everything. From the moment just before he asked Cuddy for help, through the detox, the 'interesting lunatic' conversation, right up to the kiss...& the post-kiss. & I am devastated that it was all in his head.

But look at all the new story-lines to be found. All the things he was saying in this episode...the wondering about the House/Cuddy relationship, the 'moving in together' "joke"...that was all his subconcious mind speaking about what he is really thinking about up there.

His being committed due to a psychotic break is something in and of itself. I am so excited to see the fall-out from all of this; with his team, with Wilson & of course with Cuddy. I am excited to see the way the writers "fix" what is going on in his mind, and see what comes of House in season six.

I loved the way this episode played out, and while I wish that the Huddy could have been real..I think that this way will make the next season of House even more interesting.

I also know a lot of people are upset because they think the show is losing it's medical focus. And while it's true House is a medical is ultimately about the character of House, and while the medical mysteries are interesting and important...I enjoy watching House's character development even more. There can be more than one focus in any television series, and I think House has a good balance.

Oh, and more more thing: Hugh, and Lisa...are beyond incredible. Emmy-worthy acting tonight, without a doubt.

There ends my reaction to the House season 5 finale, "Both Sides Now." I'm telling you, if you don't already watch the show; start! It's so worth watching. Smart writing, amazing acting, and interesting storylines. Get caught up over the summer, and then in Fall, when we see our beloved diagnostician once again, you will understand what is going on. So until September - House, PLEASE be okay :(

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

An Argument for the Importance of Music Education

I'm so proud of this paper, I'm sharing it with cyberspace. Sorry it's probably really boring though. :D

It’s a common sound at any school of music. As you pass the doors lining the hallways, a cacophony of noises fill the air; a myriad of instruments warming up before a concert band rehearsal, a soprano singing an Italian aria from inside a practice room, the glistening ivory keys of a grand piano being tickled by a potential future Chopin or Rachmaninoff. These college-level music majors are lucky—they made it. They come from a generation of students who were blessed to have exposure to a half-way decent music program while they were growing up. But many students are not so fortunate. All over the country, many of the music programs are being cut from public schools in favor of putting more money and resources into the mathematics and science programs. But what kind of effect could these cuts have on our students of today, and the adults they are shaping into for tomorrow?

While I agree that math and science are important to the education of our students, I feel that music is equally important to education and brain development. Some people even believe that our brains are pre-wired to learn about and listen to music. A University of Toronto psychologist, Sandra Trehub teaches babies who are between six and ten months old to listen to excerpts of music that are being repeated, and to react when they hear a change in the pattern. These experiments have shown that babies are, if nothing else, naturally drawn to music. These babies have abilities similar to adults in that they hear a tune as the same when it is only changed in key, however can immediately tell something isn’t quite right when they hear only a note or two changed. Trehub believes that by six months, it is possible babies have heard enough melodies to have “cultivated an ear for music.” But she adds that others studying this idea have seen the same abilities in newborns. She also states that “the babies she has tested don't prefer music that is specifically Western—the kind they are most likely to have heard. Instead, they seem to respond most strongly to scales and intervals found even in unfamiliar, non-Occidental music” (Appenzeller para. 7). Trehub’s belief is that we are born with a “musical brain” because music “provides a special communication channel between parent and child.” She indicates that lullabies are found in every culture, and parents have a habit of speaking to their infants in singsong, or musical baby talk. "Music is a child-caring tool,” she states (Appenzeller para. 8).

At a conference of the New York Academy of Sciences, Trehub, along with dozens of other scientists reported on the biological foundations of music. Besides the musical babies, there is much evidence suggesting that the human brain is, in fact, wired for music, and even that some forms of intelligence are enhanced by music. One major example is the fact that while people can only remember a few “snatches of prose,” we have the capability to remember dozens of tunes, and recognize many more. It is also proven that music affects the mind in powerful ways: “it incites passion, belligerence, serenity and fear,” (Begley para. 2) and does so even in people who do not have a great deal of understanding of music. Psychologist Isabelle Peretz of the University of Montreal states that, "All in all, the brain seems to be specialized for music” (Begley para. 2).

It has also been found that there is a link between learning music and success in mathematics. Last year Gordon Shaw, of the University of California compared three groups of second graders: 26 were given piano lessons and practice with a math video game, 29 received extra English lessons as well as the math game and 28 got no special lessons at all. After four months the piano kids were shown to have scored 15 to 41 percent higher on a test of ratios and fractions than the other kids in the study. This year, Shaw stated that the study of music could even help bridge a socioeconomic gap. He compared second graders in inner-city Los Angeles, California to fourth and fifth graders in Orange County, California. The second graders received twice-a-week piano training in school for a year, and after that year, were shown to have scored as well as the fourth graders, who did not have these lessons. Half of the second graders also scored as well as fifth graders who did not receive piano instruction either. (Begley)

However, some believe that this is a link only between music and math, not of music and any other subject. Although kids who receive music training often improve slightly across the board due to the enjoyment of school because of music lessons, psychologist Martin Gardiner of Brown University finds that, "they just shoot ahead in math. This can't be explained by social effects or attention alone. There is something specific about music and math” (Begley para. 5). This can be explained because music involves proportions, ratios, and sequences—all of which are studied with mathematics.

A research team led by Dr. Gottfried Schlaug of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston made another discovery of the link between music and the brain. The left and right hemispheres of the brain are connected by a thick cable of neurons called the corpus callosum. When the corpus callosum in 30 non-musicians was compared with the corpus callosum in 30 professional string and piano players, several differences were found. The front part of this neuron cable is larger in musicians than in non-musicians, especially if these musicians began their training in early childhood. The front of the corpus callosum connects the two sides of the prefrontal cortex, which is where planning and foresight occur, as well as connecting the two sides of the pre-motor cortex, where actions are thought through and planned out before being executed. "These connections are critical for coordinating fast, bi-manual movements," says Schlaug. The movements made by a concert pianist, perhaps? The right brain is linked to emotion, while the left is linked to cognition, and the enhanced connection between these two parts of the brain in musicians could explain why great musicians are not only masters of technique and execution but also of playing with great amounts of emotion (Begley).

In Daniel J. Levitin’s book, This is Your Brain on Music, he discusses in detail the processes each part of your brain goes through in musical activity. His simple summarization is this: “Musical activity involves nearly every region of the brain that we know about” (Levitin 85-86). According to him, “different aspects of the music are handled by different neural regions—the brain uses functional segregation for music processing, and employs a system of feature detectors whose job it is to analyze specific aspects of the musical signal, such as pitch, tempo, timbre, and so on” (Levitin 86). He goes on to say that “several different dimensions of a musical sound need to be analyzed—usually involving several quasi-independent neural processes—and they then need to be brought together to form a coherent representation of what we’re listening to” (Levitin 86). He explains how the simple act of listening to music is actually quite complicated, beginning in subcortical structures such as the brain stem and cerebellum, before moving to the auditory cortices on both sides of the brain. More and more processes begin to occur as we begin to try to do more with the music we’re hearing. Recalling music we know or recognize calls for the hippocampus, or memory center of the brain, while tapping along to a beat needs the timing circuits of the cerebellum. Not to mention the act of performing music, which calls for the frontal lobes for planning and execution, as well as the motor cortex for the movements needed, and the sensory cortex, which provides you the information needed to know if you have sung the correct note or pressed the correct key on your instrument. Reading music involves the visual cortex, located in the occipital lobe, while reading, recalling, or simply listening to lyrics involves the language centers of the brain. The emotions experienced in response to music are something in itself. These emotions invoke structures deep within the cerebellar vermis and amygdale, which is where the brunt of emotional processing takes place. All these multiple processes make Levitin’s statement very true: music really does involve almost every part of the brain (Levitin 86-87).

The many studies linking music and enhanced brain functions and capabilities should give school officials even more of an incentive to keep their music programs alive. However, this does not seem to be the case. Too many schools are concentrating on teaching to the test that they leave too little of the budget for music classes. In Canada, music programs are greatly suffering, according to Kenneth Whyte. At a candidates' debate for an Edmonton Public School Board election, a woman complained that graduating students were “inadequately prepared to take their places in an ever more demanding labour market,” and that too many resources and instruction time were “wasted on frills like music.” She also maintained that enough attention was not being paid to math and science, computers, and technology, which are considered to be “future keys to employability.” Everyone agreed that it was necessary that classroom time and education funds were used as wisely as possible. Wisely, meaning the elimination of music programs across Canada. Music has all but disappeared at both the elementary and the secondary levels in New Brunswick, while in southern Ontario twenty-one school boards have dumped the music coordinators who arrange instruction in the schools without the money or the staff to do it themselves. In fact, more than a hundred Ontario elementary schools are not fulfilling their music requirement due to a lack of funds. British Columbia has even cut its music teachers by about half. Much of the vacated space in the curriculum has been filled by additional science requirements, as well as career-directive or life skills courses, and work-experience projects. Music has completely fallen by the wayside. (Whyte)

While Whyte still agrees that math and science are important, he has changed his mind about the place of music in the educational system. He maintains that music is not only “one of the highest manifestations of human intelligence,” but that music is “the most scientific of the arts, relying for its best effects on mathematical knowledge of pitch and duration, the weights and measures of strings, the bore of pipe” (Whyte para. 6). Pythagoras, the first theoretician of music, considered it to be a mathematical discipline alongside subjects such as geometry, astronomy, and arithmetic. There is no reason why, then, that music should not be considered with the same importance as other subjects.

But not only is music scientific in nature, but it also provides children with experiences outside the confines of strict education. Music offers enjoyment and provides a chance for students to explore their emotions and is a sophisticated form of self-expression. Music is also an interesting way to learn the value of practice, discipline, and collaboration when performing with an ensemble. Whyte also makes the point that music permits us to look beyond just the short-term employment needs and instead to the long-term objectives of education. “And one of those objectives,” says Whyte, “must surely be to impart and preserve the riches of our cultural inheritance” (Whyte para. 10).

Things are not looking so bright for music education in America either. David Conrad, an Illinois teacher and middle school principal discusses the frustration of many of his public school music colleagues when it comes to the current situation that music is facing in our schools. Conrad says that in Illinois alone, school districts have been forced to cut fine arts funding and have even gone so far as to eliminate music and other fine arts programs altogether. The wealth and prosperity of the school districts in question made no difference; both poorer and richer districts have experienced these cuts. There are very few music programs that have been left untouched. Conrad’s own district has also faced these same problems. Within a span of two years, his school district was forced to cut one full-time staff position, eliminate beginning band instruction, and even cancel not only school musicals but two performing groups as well.

Conrad believes music programs are in trouble nationwide. He believes the problems lie mostly in funding, but also have to do with time and the focus of curriculum as well. A study by the National Commission on Excellence in Education revealed several problems within the American school system in a report released in 1983. Of the many problems facing our schools, the biggest seemed to be that American schoolchildren spend much less time in the classroom than children in other countries worldwide. This report, in turn, sparked many more reports and discussions about the potential for reform in our school systems. Music and fine arts were not excluded from these discussions. In 1988, the National Endowment for the Arts conducted its own study of fine arts education in American schools. It was found that music education in the United States was focused mainly on performance skills and ensembles, all the while disregarding actual musical understanding. In other words, music programs were focused on providing talent education for only a few children, instead of teaching understanding of music to all children. These reports ultimately brought about questions about the amount of time needed to provide a well-rounded education to our students, while sparking discussions about what music educators should actually be teaching. (Conrad)

With the reauthorization of the Elementary and Secondary Education Act (ESEA), more commonly known as No Child Left Behind, music began facing yet another problem. This act required that all schools in all states test students in the concentrated areas of language arts, mathematics, and science. Most states already had tests in place for their students, but this law made school districts accountable if the test scores were not up to the high standards set by the federal government. If the score “benchmarks” were not met by a specific deadline, schools could face reduction or complete cancellation of federal funding, or in extreme cases, even school closure or the takeover of entire school districts. Under the pressure of these requirements, schools began to increase instruction time in the subjects with the highest testing accountability—math, science and language arts. This, in turn, reduced the amount of time available for subjects such as music and arts education. The result of this has ultimately been a “time assault on the subjects that are untested, subjects such as music, foreign languages, and the arts…Each of these disciplines has suffered massive cuts and, in some cases, elimination altogether.” Conrad states (para. 10). These massive cuts prompted a response, in a letter written by then-Secretary of Education Rod Paige in July 2004. He writes: “It's disturbing not just because arts programs are being diminished or eliminated, but because NCLB is being interpreted so narrowly as to be considered the reason for these actions. The truth is that NCLB included the arts as a core academic subject because of their importance to a child's education. No Child Left Behind expects teachers of the arts to be highly qualified, just as it does teachers of English, math, science, and history” (Conrad para. 11). His letter did next to nothing to help our music programs.

Carolyn Crowder is an Oklahoma music teacher as well as an executive committee member for the National Education Association. She tells Conrad in a personal interview: "Although NCLB actually includes the arts in its definition of core subjects, the law doesn't require testing in those areas. The law's focus on reading and math doesn't leave much time for students to be creative and develop a love for music and the arts in school.” She then goes on to say that "in times when school budgets are tight, fine arts programs are the first to be cut” (Conrad para. 13). It seems to be a Catch-22. By adding more time to the school year, (time that could be used for education in music and the arts) more funding will be required for salaries and other related expenses—funding that these schools don’t have. In order to receive the money needed, school districts are forced to make cuts, and as Crowder said, music programs will be the first to go.

Music programs are still fighting for their place in our nation’s school curriculum. There is also a battle ensuing over the actual content that should be taught within these music programs. The question is this: should music education be performance or understanding based? Any school with a music program offers performing ensemble classes such as band, orchestra and chorus. But there are not very many schools who offer specialized courses in areas such as music theory, history or appreciation. Dr. Charles Fowler, who is a noted arts educator and author, says that "when music education concentrates solely on performance, its educational potential is compromised and its impact is diluted” (Conrad para. 17). While music education based solely on performance may reach the few talented students able to afford lessons and instruments, this performance-based curriculum fails to reach everyone. Yet, some have found a way to “bridge the gap” between musical performance and understanding. Comprehensive musicianship is one way the two aspects of music education are beginning to come together. In this strategy, students are taught such musical aspects as theory, history and appreciation within the confines of a performing ensemble. Conrad gives an example of a comprehensive musicianship classroom using the work “Appalachian Spring” by Aaron Copland. Of course you would expect that in preparation to perform the work, the teacher would rehearse the correct notes and rhythms with his ensemble. But according to Conrad, in the setting of a comprehensive musicianship class, students learn “beyond the notes on the page; they experience a deeper and richer understanding of music and its context. A history lesson might teach students about the relationship between the music and the historical context of the American frontier. Students also might write a reflective essay on how the chords and harmonies create an emotional impact in the work” (Conrad para. 20). With these extra looks into the inner workings of the music on their stands, the student musicians ultimately become better connected to the music they are playing.

In conclusion, Conrad poses a simple question: “why should music education exist?” The answer is simple, according to Carolyn Crowder. "Fine arts education - including music education - is fundamental for the social, intellectual, cognitive and emotional development of students” (Conrad para. 28).

Maybe being a music major myself, I am a bit biased. But I feel that by living in a world in which music is considered a frill, and not a fundamental aspect of education, our students are being seriously deprived. Deprived of the chance to explore parts of the brain only music can access, deprived of experiencing the mental, emotional and spiritual connection music can create, and deprived of the chance to express emotion in a creative and self-satisfying way. Personally, if not for music, I would not be the person I am today. So why not give our students the chance to discover who they are going to be as well? For some it may be that math and science are their forte, but for others, music may be the key to their success and happiness. So let’s not decide their futures for them. Keep music in our schools and let them decide for themselves.

Works Cited

Appenzeller, Tim. "The musical mind.(the brain and music)(Brief Article)." U.S. News & World
Report 131.6 (August 13, 2001): 40. . Gale. Jamestown Community College - SUNY. 1
May. 2009 .

Begley, Sharon. "Music on the Mind: Scientists are finding that the human brain is pre-wired for
music. Could this sublime expression of culture be as much about biology as art?(Science & Technology)." Newsweek (July 24, 2000): 50. . Gale. Jamestown Community College - SUNY. 1 May. 2009 .
Conrad, David. "American Music Education: A Struggle for Time and Curriculum. " Phi Kappa
Phi Forum 86.4 (2006): 31-34. Platinum Periodicals. ProQuest. Jamestown Community College - SUNY. 1 May. 2009

Levitin, Daniel J.. This is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession. New York:
Plume; Penguin Group, 2006. Print.

Whyte, Kenneth. "Why Johnny can't sing: because he's being taught a lot of things less important than music.(Editorial)." Saturday Night 111.n5 (June 1996): 13(2). . Gale. Jamestown Community College - SUNY. 1 May. 2009 .

EDIT: I got my paper back today--I got an A+. :D Her comments at the end were simple. "Beautiful." ahhh hahaha I was so happy. :D

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I give up.

I give up.
Nothing fancy. Nothing special.
Nothing flowery or well-worded.
I just give up.
You don't care. You never did. & I'm tired of waiting for you to.

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Incompatible, it don't matter though 'cause someone's bound to hear my cry...

...Speak out if you do; You're not easy to find. Is it possible Mr. Loveable is already in my life?Right in front of me? Or maybe you're in disguise. Who doesn't long for someone to hold; who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I'm on my own, if there's a soulmate for everyone...

There's a lot of things running though my head lately. And for the most part, I've been keeping them to myself. I don't feel like talking to almost anyone. I get snippy and snap and easily annoyed. To be honest, there are only about 7 or 8 people I can stand lately. I'm just stressed and confused, and really missing some things from my past.

I'm realizing more and more that the people I care about most are more important to me than I am to them. I guess it's just something I have to face. It breaks my heart, but it's so true. It seems like I've been waiting on a miracle for years now, & it's just...never going to come.

I know there is a plan for me; an amazing plan God has all laid out and ready. But I keep wondering where me being alone and miserable fits in. I've gotten so tired of waiting and hoping; wondering when the One is going to come along.

...Here we are again, circles never end. How do I find the perfect fit? There's enough for everyone, but I'm still waiting in line. Who doesn't long for someone to hold; who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I'm on my own, if there's a soulmate for everyone...

I know there is a perfect man for me, created especially for me by a loving God. He'll be funny and sensitive, but strong and protecting. His hand will fit perfectly with mine, like two puzzle pieces. He'll look at me when I'm wearing my Lucky Charms pajama pants and a hoodie, my hair in a ponytail and next to no makeup on, and he'll still tell me I'm pretty, even if I'm not. He'll love, or at least tolerate, country music, and make me laugh when I want to cry. I only wish I knew where he is; who he is--or if he's the one I already found and lost. Is my soulmate still out there? Or will I spend the rest of my life waiting, wondering and settling for second-best? I don't know. But either way, it's breaking my heart.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I just spent days practicing my Chopin Nocturne for my test today. It still wasn't good enough for me. B+. I could have done better. But at least it's over. Just one more test to go. Just two more weeks to go. Until SUMMER! I need a break from this college thing. Being a music major is definately more stressful than I expected.

I suppose I should start my paper that should have been done last Thursday. oops. Blogging is such a nice distraction. lol.

Most relationships seem so transitory--they're all good but not the permanent one. Who doesn't long for someone to hold; who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I'm on my own, if there's a soulmate for everyone.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

It makes her feel close; makes her smile. It's like he's with her almost...

...'till the tears take over. She's still in hell, but she tells herself she's ready to let him go--'Cause that makes her feel sayin' goodbye; getting on with her life; maybe give love another try...

I guess I'm just easily frustrated lately. The smallest little things are just setting me off, and it makes me afraid to talk to anyone because I don't want to explode on them. That, or the fact that I'm just plain annoyed by you and don't want to talk at all. haha. But that doesn't happen much.

I'm tired of waiting. On love, on happiness, on everything. I'm just impatient. I know I should be enjoying thins because it's the "best time of my life," but I want my real life to start. I want my career, and my family, and my house on a hill by a lake designed my my architect husband, with our dog and cats and a horse. I want our 4 kids; two girls, two boys, and our yard filled with a swingset and a pool. Okay, so this is my fairytale future life I plan out when I can't sleep. I've gone so far as to name the kids...and the pets. But idk. Part of it may be the fact that I know exactly what I want, and I just...want it now. Not that I can have it. Half the problem is that what I want doesn't want me. And I keep hoping that I will find something else to want, but just when I think I slips right through my hands. Mainly, relationship-wise.

I want him. I really do. But it's so hard. Nothing is the same as it was before. Nothing except my feelings. My feelings grew up as we did. If anything, they are stronger than before. I keep trying to push it all away; trying to imagine my life without him. But I can't. He is intertwined with every facet of my existance. And it's tearing me apart. Because he. doesn't. want. me. I keep punctuating that in my mind; hoping if I repeat it enough, I will let it all go. But I never do.

I'm living a lie. To my friends, my family, myself and even him. I'm pretending nothing is fazing me. Another girl? great. You're happy? I'm so glad. He's moved on? I'm so over it all. But I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. I want him. And I don't care anymore who knows it.

So tonight, I'll cry over it. I'll mourn my lonely heart, and my dormant love life. I'll stare at our picture and cry until I fall asleep. And then tomorrow, I'll wake up, rub the sleep and tears from my eyes, take a deep breath...and start all over. I'll paste on my picture perfect smile, and pretend for one more day.

...Oh, she's still in hell, but she tells herself she's ready to let him go; 'cause that makes her feel close.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Shoulda been much further then this by now; a little bit more gone, a little less twisted around.

Shoulda been much better you’d think, but I’m not. I’m still stuck; I’m still here, in this rut.

Looking back on everything that we had; Holding on to words that we can’t take back.

What am I to do with the past, when it’s all that I have, & I can’t get you back?

Now I wait by the phone in the dark, drunk on hope.

I’m so lost; I’m so alone & I just want you to know--

Everywhere that I go, I’m reminded of us:

Where we’ve been, all we’ve done, & all the love that we shared...

Once, you made the world feel so right.

Once, you were my morning, noon & night.

Why’d we slip away? Why did it all change? How will I ever be the same?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

there's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained...

...there's a glow off the pavement; you walk me to the car. And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there in the middle of the parking lot.

I don't know. I'm so sick of how judgemental people are. It annoys me so badly that people focus so much on the way people look, how they dress, that no one takes the time to get to know the person for themselves. It's not fair. There are so many amazing people out there, but no one ever really knows them because they aren't flawless.

I can't lie. I've been judgemental too. Sometimes I see fruity outfits or messy hair, and wonder how these people leave their houses in the morning looking the way they do. But it doesn't keep me from making friends with them. A lot of those messy haired, fruity outfitted people have amazing hearts and make amazing friends.

Sorry, that was just randomly on my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about my life, and what is missing from it. Not being in a relationship has really been getting to me lately. I know exactly what is is that I am looking for. I just can't find him. I wasn't someone funny. Someone smart. Someone kind and caring. Someone who loves me. I want someone that likes to dance in the rain, watch chick flicks, and make cupcakes. I want someone who will at least tolerate, if not actually like, country music. Don't make fun of me when I'm singing Reba or Martina or Taylor. Don't roll your eyes and get annoyed when I'm swooning over Garth or Kenny or Keith. I love country music, and if you can't handle that, you're not the one for me. There's so much I'm looking for; so much I'm wanting...I'm just so afraid I'll never find it.

...I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now. But you're just so cool; run your hands through your hair, absent mindedly makin' me want you. & I don't know how it gets better than this. You take my hand and drag me head first: fearless. & I don't know why, but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Calling out; somebody save me, I feel like I'm fading away.

Nothing fancy. Nothing special. This is me tonight.

There's a harvest each Saturday night,
At the bars filled with perfume and hitching a ride;
A place you can stand for one night and get gone.
It's clear this conversation ain't doing a thing,
'Cause these boys only listen to me when I sing,
And I don't feel like singing tonight...All the same songs.

Here in these deep city lights,
Girl could get lost tonight.
I'm finding every reason to be gone;
Nothing here to hold onto...
Could I hold you?

The situation's always the same:
You got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood's name,
Stealing gold from the silver they see;
But it's not me.

Here in these deep city lights,
Girl could get lost tonight.
I'm finding every reason to be gone;
Nothing here to hold onto...
Could I hold you?

Calling out; somebody save me, I feel like I'm fading away.
Am I gone?
Calling out; somebody save me I feel like I'm fading.

In these deep city lights,
Girl could get lost tonight.
I'm finding every reason to be gone;
Nothing here to hold onto...
Could I hold onto you?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Sometimes the night seems so long, when you're lyin' there all alone...

...& tomorrow seems so far away. I don't wanna live another day this way. Scared to let someone in; can't bear to get hurt again. But my body needs to feel a touch--someone come and wake me up. I just want somebody to love me. & I just need somebody to hold me; somebody to love me...

I just don't know. I'm in this funk that I can't seem to shake. I lay in bed and listen to music, half asleep, bawling my eyes out. I keep picturing the way things were, the way things should be, the way I want things to be. I lay there with Beanie and wonder why I'm not good enough. I feel like it's always gonna be this way. No one is ever going to want me, and I don't understand why. I'm not like most girls. I'm not fake. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, unless I'm putting on a smile to hide the tears. What you see is what you get, you know? I'm not high maintenance; not at all. I don't ask much of anyone. I just need to feel needed and feel like I matter. I don't expect you to be with me 24/7, but I'd like to be somewhat of a priority, instead of just an option, you know?

...Don't wanna let life pass me by, never knowing what its like to be as real as real can be. Share my life and all my dreams.I just want somebody to love me. & I just need somebody to hold me; somebody to love me...

No, I'm not perfect. I'm not beautiful, I'm not always funny. I'm awkward, random, geeky, and occasionally too hyper to handle. My makeup always smears, my socks don't always match, and I'm not exactly lady-like. But I swear to God I can love you like you are looking for. I can make you laugh, challenge you to burping contests and sing you songs you've never heard. [Or songs you never want to hear again--but I digress] I can be everything you're looking for and them some, if you were willing to give me a try.

...'Cause I'm hurt, and I'm scared, and I'm lonely. All I want is somebody to want me, 'cause I've got so much to give...

No one ever is though. And it's not easy, you know? To sit by every day watching my friends all happy and smiling because they have a hand to hold, while I sit alone, holding my own damn hand. I'm always a 5th wheel. That is, unless they haven't already all just gone off and left me alone to begin with. I just sit and smile, and try not to let it show how badly it gets to me that I'm still alone. It's not for lack of trying. No one is interested. I'm not meeting the right people. Or maybe the right person doesn't exist. Maybe I'm never meant to find my fairytale. My happy ending. Or at least "a nice person to hang out with 'till I drop dead...Not a lot to ask." [Oh Gilmore Girls, I miss you.] I don't know. Maybe the right person could be on the other side of this screen. Maybe he's out there somewhere, reading this and thinking the same things too. Maybe I'm just too impatient. I just have to keep telling myself that somewhere, someone is out there looking for me like I'm looking for him. head just hurts too much. I'm so tired of this. Tired of being lonely. Tired of...everything.

...I just want somebody to love me. I just need somebody to hold me; somebody to love me.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

& the hardest part was letting go; not taking part... really broke my heart. & I tried to sing, but I couldn't think of anything, & that was the hardest part. I could feel it go down. You left the sweetest taste in my mouth. You're a silver lining in the clouds. Oh, and I wonder what it's all about...

FYI: If you think I may be worth your time; if you think that you could love me--

Things I can't:
*I cannot let you in as quickly as you may like. I've been burned too many times and now I have a wall I am afraid to bring down.
*I cannot be expected make the first move. It always seems to be me reaching for something I cannot have. Like trying to touch a star. I know I'll never reach it, but I just keep trying. I want someone else to try; to fight for ME.
*I cannot spend my life waiting and wondering. If you want me, let me know it. If you don't, let me know it. Don't make me try and figure it out. I'm always wrong.

Things I am not:
*I am not perfect. You need to accept that and love me anyway.
*I am not graceful. I am clumsy, I spill things, I trip, and I never say the right thing at the right time.
*I am not your back-up plan. Do not treat me that way. I will not settle for second best. You either want me, or you let me go. Do not string me along for when you're alone and unhappy. I am not that girl.

Things I will not:
*I will not change for you. I love who I am, how I am, and if you don't, then I can't be with you.
*I will not settle for less than I deserve. You will treat me how I deserve to be treated, or you will be pushed away. I will not tolerate cheating; excessive, serious lying or any sort of abuse. You try it, I'm gone. Second chances are not for everyone.
*I will not compromise my values and beliefs for you. I can agree to disagree with things, but I will not bend my will to satisfy yours. I believe in God. I do not smoke or do drugs. I will not put out unless I'm sure it's right. If you can't handle that, get out now.

Things I can:
*I can make you laugh. Usually I'm not trying. I will say or do something so stupid, you will lose it. I probably will too. I may snort. Just laugh harder.
*I can sing you almost any song you ask me to. I'll sing you to sleep; I'll sing you a song all your own. I may sing songs you've never heard or songs you hate. Shutting me up is nearly impossible, but there is a way, and if you find it, you know I think you're for keeps. :D
*I can show you what it's like to be loved. I don't care if you think you've been in love before, or if you've never felt love in your life. If you are with me, you can bet I will love you like no other.

Things I need:

*I need to feel safe with you. If you hug me, and I don't feel right, there will be a problem. Hugs are important to me, and if I don't feel safe in your arms, I can't feel safe at all.
*I need you to be patient with me. My heart has been shattered and healing for quite some time now. It takes a lot for me to trust someone, and I need you to just keep trying; don't give up on me too soon. I swear to you, I'm worth it.
*I need to know you love me. Don't just say it; show it. I need to feel like when you're with me, you're with me, and when we're apart, you miss me. I need to feel special. I don't need extravagance; I just need to know I mean something to you. I need to know that the way I feel for you is not a one-way street.

Things I promise to you:
*I promise to be your best friend. You can confide in me anything, tell me your secrets, come to me with your problems & cry on my shoulder if you need to. I promise I'll hold your hand through anything.
*I promise to bring you soup and cookies when you're sick. And watch movies and stand-up comedy with you until you fall asleep, even if it's contagious and I have a show coming up.
*I promise to love you with everything I have in me. I may have been broken before, but if you earn my trust, once I'm in, I am all in.

We may not always agree, but if it's real, love will be enough.
Until we meet, love.

What is your love resume? MAKE YOUR OWN!

...Everything I know is wrong. Everything I do, it just comes undone. & everything is torn apart, & that's the hardest part. Yeah, that's the hardest part.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Friday, March 13, 2009

I wanna feel just like this one last time.

I wanna lay in your bed, stare in your eyes; feel your heart beating with mine--one last time. There won't be any tears; that's not why I'm here. Baby, turn out the lights and let's disappear one last time...

You think you don’t deserve to be loved by anyone, least of all me. You treat me like crap, you constantly push me away and you don’t listen to anything I say. Anyone else probably would have given up on you long ago. Anyone else never would have taken a chance on you in the first place. But I did. I see something in you that you don't see in yourself. And that makes me naïve and stupid. And you don't think you could be even half the man I think you are. But you are that man. It breaks my heart that you can't see that; that you can't see that I don’t want you to be anyone other than who you are.

...Your breath on my neck; I don't wanna forget the smell of your skin--touch me again, one last time. 'Cause I'm not here to fight about who's wrong or right. I just want your kiss; I wanna feel just like this one last time.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

If I could write a letter to me...

...and send it back in time to myself at 17...

Dear Allyson Rae,

I love you. I know sometimes it's hard to accept yourself, and you feel uncomfortable and unhappy, but you are perfect just as you are. Don't change for anyone. One day a boy will fall in love with your fluff and your snort-laughing, I promise. Someone will find it endearing.

I know it's been a long three years since you and jrb. & I know you still love him more than you care to admit. I know it's hard, and I know your love will never change. But baby, it's time. It has to be. Someone else can and will make you happy. You just have to have faith that you will find them. It may take a week, or it may take a year, but they WILL show up. And maybe, someday, jrb will come back to you, but you can't wait for him. If it happens, it happens--but don't count on it.

Don't let anything get you down--your life is going fantastically, and you just have to keeping looking at all the good you have, and ignore the bad parts. Love your friends [they are amazing.], love your family [they will do anything for you & you know it.], love your dog [he's always been there when you're sad.] and your two kittens [they are little & need you.]. They will bring you strength when you need it most. And above all, remember you are special.

Love, Me

...And then I'd say I know it's tough when you break up after just three months. Yeah, I know you really liked him and it just don't seem fair, but all I can say is pain like that is fast and it's rare. And oh, you got so much going for you; going right, but I know at 17 it's hard to see past Friday night. He wasn't right for you, and still you feel like there's a knife sticking out of your back and you're wondering if you'll survive. But you'll make it through this and you'll see--you're still around to write this letter to me.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Monday, March 9, 2009

You asked me how I'd been; I guess that's when I smiled and said "just fine"...

...Oh but baby I was lying...

I'm not doing this anymore. Putting any effort into ever finding a relationship is completely and utterly fruitless. It's like waiting for rain in a drought: useless & disappointing. My heart knows what it wants, and finding it/getting it back is proving to be close to impossible.

...I held back the tears; held on to my pride and watched you go. I wonder if you'll ever know...

I think I was so excited by the prospect of maybe not being alone for awhile, that I actually convinced myself of feelings that weren't really even there. I think there was some degree of feeling there, but nothing compared to what I was saying I felt.

...What I really meant to say is I'm dyin' here inside. I miss you more each day; there's not a night I haven't cried. & baby, here's the truth: I'm still in love with you--that's what I really meant to say...

In the end, I'm right back where I was before: wishing for something I can never have. Only this time, I won't let my friends know. As far as they are concerned, ke took jrb right off the table, and he's not coming back. The fact that I am still pining over him can be our little secret. Oh well. I'll just stick with Hugh Laurie ♥--he never disappoints.

...What I really meant to say is I'm really not that strong. No matter how I try, I'm still holdin' on. & here's the honest truth: I'm still in love with you. That's what I really meant to say...

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Baby, you're a wrecking ball, crashing into me; nothing I can do but fall...

...Piece by piece, you broke down every part of me that ever thought I'd never need you, baby...

I am alone again. I mean, I'm almost always alone in one way or another, but tonight, I'm actually, literally alone. I'm sitting in my dorm room, using alf's internet, and watching four straight hours of House. Ohh House I've got a bottle of pepsi, a bag of cheez-its, and my phone--I'm all set.

And yet, I wish someone was here. I wish someone were laying beside me, sharing a bag of skittles, waiting to watch Saturday Night Live with me. [Tonight is a repeat of Hugh Laurie's appearance.] I wish someone were laughing at my dumbstruck, slack-jawed, drool-covered face, as I watch Dr. House make another genius, incredibly sexy-sounding diagnosis. And I wish that someone would hug me and kiss my cheek, while whispering something hilarious in my ear in an incredibly fake British accent, attempting to prove that he is more attractive that Mr. Laurie. And I would laugh and kiss him, and tell him I'll always love him more than House; because House is a fictional character--but my someone, he is real.

...It's twisted; messed up & the more I think about it, it's crazy, but so what? I may never understand it. I'm caught up & I'm hanging on--I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong...

Except he's not real. He is a creation of my mind; a combination of memories and fantasy. I'm never going to find him; or I've found him, and can never have him. I hate him. With every day that passes; every day without speaking to him, I hate him more and more. I want to yell and scream and tell him I hate him. I want to tell him I'm done; tell him our psuedo-friendship is over. I want to erase him from my buddy list, my cell phone contacts and my life.

But I can't Everytime I try, I remember. I remember everything about jrb. I remember his hand in mine, his arms around my waist, his lips on mine. I remember his stupid jokes, his smile and his eyes. I remember the way he made me smile when I was sad, and wiped my every tear; every fear away. He was my best friend. I gave him all of me. I gave him my heart; parts of my heart that I can never get back. I will never love another person the way I loved him. The way I love him. Because I do.

I still do. I don't want to, but I do.

& I always will.

...Everybody's telling me I'm over my head. But they didn't feel you loving me. They all say that I've gone crazy; maybe, but it's too late now to save me--I'm too tangled. It's twisted; messed up & the more I think about it it's crazy, but so what? I may never understand it. I'm caught up & I'm hanging on. I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong--even if it's twisted.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Monday, February 16, 2009

"Holding on, the days drag on. Stupid girl; I should have known that I'm not a princess...

"...This ain't a fairytale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell..."

[I wrote this awhile ago, but sadly, it still rings true. Nothing ever changes.]

I am sick of living my life in circles.
You would think by now I know better - but I don't.
I've tried everything short of hibernation to stop all this. I waited; I stopped waiting. I held on as close as I could; I pushed you away. I decided to be your best friend; I didn't speak to you for months. I prayed, I wished, I hoped, I dreamed.

Nothing works. Nothing works.

Just when I think I'm getting closer; that maybe you've realized -- I'm always wrong. Why can't I get it through my head? YOU AREN'T COMING BACK TO ME.

You love me -- as your sister.
You want me -- as your friend.
You need me -- to talk to when you're lonely.
I can pray and wish and hope and dream all I want; it won't change anything.

I'm not the girl you set your eye; your heart on. I'm not the girl you want to call; to tell her "I love you." I'm not the girl you want to be with. I'm always just going to be your friend.
I just hate not being your lover.
I need to face it; I'M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I am destined to be the cat-lady, forever and for always. *sigh*

I NEED YOU. I wish you could see it.
I WANT YOU. I wish you understood.
I LOVE YOU. I wish you loved me too.

"...This ain't Hollywood. This is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went & let me down. & it's too late I'm still waiting for you & your white horse to come around."

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Well open up your mind and see like me; open up your plans and damn you're free...

...Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love.

It's Valentine's Day. I have never been a Valentine's fan; probably a symptom of my bitter heart. 18 years of hearts & flowers, and never a Valentine of my own. It depresses me sometimes, but I know that I'm not the only one...right?

I figured I'd treat today just like any other day, but of course my mom had to get me a card, and a package of Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate. I guess V-Day isn't SO bad ;]

I'm glad to be home though today. I'm sitting in the recliner, watching Food Network and not eating hot pockets or easy mac, which is what I've been surviving on recently. My cats want to cuddle, and I have a piano that I can easily access, so life is good.

Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing; we're just one big family & it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved. So I won't hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait; I'm sure there's no need to complicate, our time is short. This is our fate, I'm yours.

I keep holding out hope that some prince on a white horse is gonna ride up and save me, but I know it's impossible and a little crazy. Although if he happened to resemble Hugh Laurie with a piano, I'd be okay with that. ;] I don't know. It hit me yesterday night just how pathetic my love life has become. Of my four best friends, one is engaged, one is almost engaged, and the other two have been in serious relationships for at least two months. I haven't so much as held hands with someone for two years. I just don't understand. I keep wondering if there is something so wrong with me that maybe I really AM meant to be that crazy cat lady in that house on the corner.

I can't figure it out. I mean I'm intelligent, I'm caring, I'm told that I'm talented. I'm not entirely butt-ugly, although I'm not as pretty as most of the people I know. I shower daily, and I brush my teeth. So what is it that keeps guys from looking in my direction? I guess it's something I'm not meant to understand. I have faith that God has got that perfect person hiding behind the next corner...I only wish I knew which corner it was. Sometimes, you get tired of waiting and having faith. Sometimes, you just want to...not be alone anymore.

Oh well, I've got my cats to cuddle with, and a piano to play. I'll be alright for another day or two.
Happy Single's Awareness Day - May the chocolate be bountiful and the ice cream be cold. :]

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror, & bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer. But my breath fogged up the glass, & so I drew a new face and I laughed. I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanities & just go with the seasons. It's what we aim to do; our name is our virtue. But I won't hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait; I'm yours.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

God put us here, on this carnival ride...

...we close our eyes; never knowing where it'll take us next.

I have a lot of thoughts currently pouring through my head. I really don't know where I'm going lately. I'm just so desperate to feel something, from someone; anyone. I'm desperate to find somewhere to deposit everything my heart has to give. I really do have so much to offer, but I don't think anyone will ever see it. I saw a postcard on PostSecret a couple weeks ago, and I started bawling when I read it. It was beautiful and sad and I could have written it myself:

Lately, I really do feel as though I'm riding this carnival ride, that I just can't get off of. It spins faster and faster, blurring everything within my line of sight. I keep begging to slow down, but it never does. I don't know if it ever will...& I'm riding alone.

That thought alone scares me. I don't want to ride alone. It's not fun to go by yourself, and when things get scary, you don't have a hand to hold. I so desperately long for one...

I hold onto my faith, and I pray and know that everything will happen in God's time. I just wish God's watch was syncronized with mine. Three years is a long time to hold onto something you can't have. While jrb will always be "my first love," I am so tired of his games and the way he is constantly jumping between extreme sweetheart and extreme asshole. He is my best friend one day and an asshole the next, and I deserve better than a part-time friend. Everyone in the world kept telling me so; ags, alf, ael, ael, slt--I know I should have listened each and every time, but I couldn't bear to believe that they were right. But more and more, I see it's true. And more and more, he makes me hate him. For everything he's done and all he's put me through. I am still struggling with the hardest word: goodbye. I can never seem to get it off my tongue and pass it through my lips. No matter how badly I need to.

I so desperately wish that cae would let me in. I think he started to, but then again, he's started to so many times before. Even through all he's gone through, I've never been able to give up on him. He is such an amazing person, with a beautiful spirit. He is so bright and incredible, but that light he's always had has been dimmed by the choices he's made. I truly believe that this time he really is trying to change, and I pray that he finds the strength to do so. And part of me has never given up on that spark that I felt for him, and sometimes I still find myself wishing for some fire to come of that spark, even if the logical part of me knows none ever will. *sigh* Sometimes, I'm still that naive seventeen year old girl, wanting and wishing for things that will never happen.

It's the wheel of the world turning around. In the blink of an eye it can change your life, & it never even slows down. It's the wheel of the world. I don't know what it is; I'm flying high, then I'm wondering why I'm sinking on this ship, going down. Life keeps on moving anyway. It can open your heart; it can break you apart & it never even slows down. It's the wheel of the world turning around.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

But down the road the sun is shining... every cloud there's a silver lining; just keep holding on.

I kind of feel like telling my life story. hehe.

So my name is Allyson Rae. I was born March 17, 1990, which makes me one month and seven days away from being nineteen. yay. I was pretty lucky; my parents were amazing. They loved each other, and you could tell, even when they fought. And I was a lovely child, so it was easy for them to love me too. ;] haha. I'm just kidding, honestly. Not about the fact that they loved me though. I was an only child for seven years, until they had my sister. We won't talk much about her. I hate her. I love her. It's typical. :]

I spent my whole life living on the same property, in a total of two different houses. I remember pretending to tap dance on my old kitchen floor in my shiny black mary-janes, singing Barney songs and Garth Brooks at the top of my lungs. Yes, I tap-danced to Garth Brooks. :D

I've been a CVCS Cougar since I started pre-school. I've never gone anywhere else, and to be honest, there have only been one or two times where I really wanted to. I graduated fifteenth or sixteenth in my class in the Spring of 2008. It was bittersweet. My best friend ags and I sang "For Good," a song from the musical "Wicked," along with our Sr. High Band, playing an arrangement that our band director put together. We definately cried.

Ahh music; where do I begin? Music has been in my life since I was little. from "Jesus Loves Me," to Brooks and Dunn, to Led Zeppelin--I've been exposed to everything. My mom loved country, and my dad, rock and roll. So when Mommy drove me to Walmart, we sang along to Reba McEntire, and those times when Daddy let me ride to the dump, we'd blast Pink Floyd and The Beatles. Life was good.

In the Spring of 2001, I auditioned for the single most-influential thing in my life: The Chautauqua Children's Chorale. The CCC is a choir of exceptionally talented children in grades 3 - 12, who get together once a week and rehearse. And from Fall 2001 to Summer 2008, seven years, I was one of them. I have probably learned close to 200 songs, in at least 10 languages, and sang in maybe 75 concerts. We took two trips to Hawaii (July 2003 & July 2008) as well as one Alaska trip I did not attend. The people I met there became my family; that group my life. And through the music, and the guidance of our incredible director, I found myself and decided my future.

And so I find myself here,a second-semester freshman at JCC, majoring in Music, living with three of my best friends: alf, ael & ael-- and having the time of my life. I sing in the Jazz Chorus here on Mondays. Even coming to college, I never lost the music. Obviously--I am a music major. But while my days are spent analyzing chords and singing solfege, I can look forward to the Monday nights when I'm making music just for the pure joy of making music. I look forward to the hours I can spend singing with the radio, or belting out some karaoke with my friends. I've found ways to keep music from becoming a chore, and I am so glad I have. If I hadn't, I'm afraid that actually actively pursuing the study of music would have ruined music for me forever. Then I really don't know what I would have done.

Things haven't always been easy in my life. I dealt with favoritism, criticism, a fair share of ridicule and isolation, not to mention sadness, pain, anger and depression. We've struggled with money, family issues, tragedy, and death. While I've liked several boys growing up, only one ever gave me a chance, jrb, and that same boy is the only one who has ever truly broken my heart; something I still struggle to overcome to this day. Yet, through everything I've experienced, all the adversity I've faced, I have still managed to overcome it all, and become a better and stronger person for it. Something I plan to continue doing. You only get one life, you might as well live it and enjoy it.

I don't know what the point of this really was. I think I just wanted to reflect on the past 18 (almost 19!) years, and everything I've been through. Now I think I'm done with nostalgia for awhile. :]

...& every heartache makes you stronger, but it won't be much longer--you'll find love, you'll find peace & the you you're meant to be. I know right now that's not the way you feel, but one day you will. You will find the strength to rise above. You will find just what you're made of.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."