Calling out; somebody save me, I feel like I'm fading away.

Nothing fancy. Nothing special. This is me tonight.


There's a harvest each Saturday night,
At the bars filled with perfume and hitching a ride;
A place you can stand for one night and get gone.
It's clear this conversation ain't doing a thing,
'Cause these boys only listen to me when I sing,
And I don't feel like singing tonight...All the same songs.

Here in these deep city lights,
Girl could get lost tonight.
I'm finding every reason to be gone;
Nothing here to hold onto...
Could I hold you?

The situation's always the same:
You got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood's name,
Stealing gold from the silver they see;
But it's not me.

Here in these deep city lights,
Girl could get lost tonight.
I'm finding every reason to be gone;
Nothing here to hold onto...
Could I hold you?

Calling out; somebody save me, I feel like I'm fading away.
Am I gone?
Calling out; somebody save me I feel like I'm fading.

In these deep city lights,
Girl could get lost tonight.
I'm finding every reason to be gone;
Nothing here to hold onto...
Could I hold onto you?

Sometimes the night seems so long, when you're lyin' there all alone...

...& tomorrow seems so far away. I don't wanna live another day this way. Scared to let someone in; can't bear to get hurt again. But my body needs to feel a touch--someone come and wake me up. I just want somebody to love me. & I just need somebody to hold me; somebody to love me...

I just don't know. I'm in this funk that I can't seem to shake. I lay in bed and listen to music, half asleep, bawling my eyes out. I keep picturing the way things were, the way things should be, the way I want things to be. I lay there with Beanie and wonder why I'm not good enough. I feel like it's always gonna be this way. No one is ever going to want me, and I don't understand why. I'm not like most girls. I'm not fake. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, unless I'm putting on a smile to hide the tears. What you see is what you get, you know? I'm not high maintenance; not at all. I don't ask much of anyone. I just need to feel needed and feel like I matter. I don't expect you to be with me 24/7, but I'd like to be somewhat of a priority, instead of just an option, you know?

...Don't wanna let life pass me by, never knowing what its like to be as real as real can be. Share my life and all my dreams.I just want somebody to love me. & I just need somebody to hold me; somebody to love me...

No, I'm not perfect. I'm not beautiful, I'm not always funny. I'm awkward, random, geeky, and occasionally too hyper to handle. My makeup always smears, my socks don't always match, and I'm not exactly lady-like. But I swear to God I can love you like you are looking for. I can make you laugh, challenge you to burping contests and sing you songs you've never heard. [Or songs you never want to hear again--but I digress] I can be everything you're looking for and them some, if you were willing to give me a try.

...'Cause I'm hurt, and I'm scared, and I'm lonely. All I want is somebody to want me, 'cause I've got so much to give...

No one ever is though. And it's not easy, you know? To sit by every day watching my friends all happy and smiling because they have a hand to hold, while I sit alone, holding my own damn hand. I'm always a 5th wheel. That is, unless they haven't already all just gone off and left me alone to begin with. I just sit and smile, and try not to let it show how badly it gets to me that I'm still alone. It's not for lack of trying. No one is interested. I'm not meeting the right people. Or maybe the right person doesn't exist. Maybe I'm never meant to find my fairytale. My happy ending. Or at least "a nice person to hang out with 'till I drop dead...Not a lot to ask." [Oh Gilmore Girls, I miss you.] I don't know. Maybe the right person could be on the other side of this screen. Maybe he's out there somewhere, reading this and thinking the same things too. Maybe I'm just too impatient. I just have to keep telling myself that somewhere, someone is out there looking for me like I'm looking for him. Ugh...my head just hurts too much. I'm so tired of this. Tired of being lonely. Tired of...everything.

...I just want somebody to love me. I just need somebody to hold me; somebody to love me.

xoxo
Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

& the hardest part was letting go; not taking part...

...you really broke my heart. & I tried to sing, but I couldn't think of anything, & that was the hardest part. I could feel it go down. You left the sweetest taste in my mouth. You're a silver lining in the clouds. Oh, and I wonder what it's all about...

FYI: If you think I may be worth your time; if you think that you could love me--

Things I can't:
*I cannot let you in as quickly as you may like. I've been burned too many times and now I have a wall I am afraid to bring down.
*I cannot be expected make the first move. It always seems to be me reaching for something I cannot have. Like trying to touch a star. I know I'll never reach it, but I just keep trying. I want someone else to try; to fight for ME.
*I cannot spend my life waiting and wondering. If you want me, let me know it. If you don't, let me know it. Don't make me try and figure it out. I'm always wrong.

Things I am not:
*I am not perfect. You need to accept that and love me anyway.
*I am not graceful. I am clumsy, I spill things, I trip, and I never say the right thing at the right time.
*I am not your back-up plan. Do not treat me that way. I will not settle for second best. You either want me, or you let me go. Do not string me along for when you're alone and unhappy. I am not that girl.

Things I will not:
*I will not change for you. I love who I am, how I am, and if you don't, then I can't be with you.
*I will not settle for less than I deserve. You will treat me how I deserve to be treated, or you will be pushed away. I will not tolerate cheating; excessive, serious lying or any sort of abuse. You try it, I'm gone. Second chances are not for everyone.
*I will not compromise my values and beliefs for you. I can agree to disagree with things, but I will not bend my will to satisfy yours. I believe in God. I do not smoke or do drugs. I will not put out unless I'm sure it's right. If you can't handle that, get out now.

Things I can:
*I can make you laugh. Usually I'm not trying. I will say or do something so stupid, you will lose it. I probably will too. I may snort. Just laugh harder.
*I can sing you almost any song you ask me to. I'll sing you to sleep; I'll sing you a song all your own. I may sing songs you've never heard or songs you hate. Shutting me up is nearly impossible, but there is a way, and if you find it, you know I think you're for keeps. :D
*I can show you what it's like to be loved. I don't care if you think you've been in love before, or if you've never felt love in your life. If you are with me, you can bet I will love you like no other.

Things I need:
*I need to feel safe with you. If you hug me, and I don't feel right, there will be a problem. Hugs are important to me, and if I don't feel safe in your arms, I can't feel safe at all.
*I need you to be patient with me. My heart has been shattered and healing for quite some time now. It takes a lot for me to trust someone, and I need you to just keep trying; don't give up on me too soon. I swear to you, I'm worth it.
*I need to know you love me. Don't just say it; show it. I need to feel like when you're with me, you're with me, and when we're apart, you miss me. I need to feel special. I don't need extravagance; I just need to know I mean something to you. I need to know that the way I feel for you is not a one-way street.

Things I promise to you:
*I promise to be your best friend. You can confide in me anything, tell me your secrets, come to me with your problems & cry on my shoulder if you need to. I promise I'll hold your hand through anything.
*I promise to bring you soup and cookies when you're sick. And watch movies and stand-up comedy with you until you fall asleep, even if it's contagious and I have a show coming up.
*I promise to love you with everything I have in me. I may have been broken before, but if you earn my trust, once I'm in, I am all in.

We may not always agree, but if it's real, love will be enough.
Until we meet, love.

What is your love resume? MAKE YOUR OWN!

...Everything I know is wrong. Everything I do, it just comes undone. & everything is torn apart, & that's the hardest part. Yeah, that's the hardest part.

xoxo
Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

I wanna feel just like this one last time.

I wanna lay in your bed, stare in your eyes; feel your heart beating with mine--one last time. There won't be any tears; that's not why I'm here. Baby, turn out the lights and let's disappear one last time...

You think you don’t deserve to be loved by anyone, least of all me. You treat me like crap, you constantly push me away and you don’t listen to anything I say. Anyone else probably would have given up on you long ago. Anyone else never would have taken a chance on you in the first place. But I did. I see something in you that you don't see in yourself. And that makes me naïve and stupid. And you don't think you could be even half the man I think you are. But you are that man. It breaks my heart that you can't see that; that you can't see that I don’t want you to be anyone other than who you are.

...Your breath on my neck; I don't wanna forget the smell of your skin--touch me again, one last time. 'Cause I'm not here to fight about who's wrong or right. I just want your kiss; I wanna feel just like this one last time.

xoxo
Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

If I could write a letter to me...

...and send it back in time to myself at 17...

Dear Allyson Rae,

I love you. I know sometimes it's hard to accept yourself, and you feel uncomfortable and unhappy, but you are perfect just as you are. Don't change for anyone. One day a boy will fall in love with your fluff and your snort-laughing, I promise. Someone will find it endearing.

I know it's been a long three years since you and jrb. & I know you still love him more than you care to admit. I know it's hard, and I know your love will never change. But baby, it's time. It has to be. Someone else can and will make you happy. You just have to have faith that you will find them. It may take a week, or it may take a year, but they WILL show up. And maybe, someday, jrb will come back to you, but you can't wait for him. If it happens, it happens--but don't count on it.

Don't let anything get you down--your life is going fantastically, and you just have to keeping looking at all the good you have, and ignore the bad parts. Love your friends [they are amazing.], love your family [they will do anything for you & you know it.], love your dog [he's always been there when you're sad.] and your two kittens [they are little & need you.]. They will bring you strength when you need it most. And above all, remember you are special.

Love, Me

...And then I'd say I know it's tough when you break up after just three months. Yeah, I know you really liked him and it just don't seem fair, but all I can say is pain like that is fast and it's rare. And oh, you got so much going for you; going right, but I know at 17 it's hard to see past Friday night. He wasn't right for you, and still you feel like there's a knife sticking out of your back and you're wondering if you'll survive. But you'll make it through this and you'll see--you're still around to write this letter to me.

xoxo
Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

You asked me how I'd been; I guess that's when I smiled and said "just fine"...

...Oh but baby I was lying...

I'm not doing this anymore. Putting any effort into ever finding a relationship is completely and utterly fruitless. It's like waiting for rain in a drought: useless & disappointing. My heart knows what it wants, and finding it/getting it back is proving to be close to impossible.

...I held back the tears; held on to my pride and watched you go. I wonder if you'll ever know...

I think I was so excited by the prospect of maybe not being alone for awhile, that I actually convinced myself of feelings that weren't really even there. I think there was some degree of feeling there, but nothing compared to what I was saying I felt.

...What I really meant to say is I'm dyin' here inside. I miss you more each day; there's not a night I haven't cried. & baby, here's the truth: I'm still in love with you--that's what I really meant to say...

In the end, I'm right back where I was before: wishing for something I can never have. Only this time, I won't let my friends know. As far as they are concerned, ke took jrb right off the table, and he's not coming back. The fact that I am still pining over him can be our little secret. Oh well. I'll just stick with Hugh Laurie ♥--he never disappoints.

...What I really meant to say is I'm really not that strong. No matter how I try, I'm still holdin' on. & here's the honest truth: I'm still in love with you. That's what I really meant to say...

xoxo
Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."