Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Incompatible, it don't matter though 'cause someone's bound to hear my cry...

...Speak out if you do; You're not easy to find. Is it possible Mr. Loveable is already in my life?Right in front of me? Or maybe you're in disguise. Who doesn't long for someone to hold; who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I'm on my own, if there's a soulmate for everyone...

There's a lot of things running though my head lately. And for the most part, I've been keeping them to myself. I don't feel like talking to almost anyone. I get snippy and snap and easily annoyed. To be honest, there are only about 7 or 8 people I can stand lately. I'm just stressed and confused, and really missing some things from my past.

I'm realizing more and more that the people I care about most are more important to me than I am to them. I guess it's just something I have to face. It breaks my heart, but it's so true. It seems like I've been waiting on a miracle for years now, & it's just...never going to come.

I know there is a plan for me; an amazing plan God has all laid out and ready. But I keep wondering where me being alone and miserable fits in. I've gotten so tired of waiting and hoping; wondering when the One is going to come along.

...Here we are again, circles never end. How do I find the perfect fit? There's enough for everyone, but I'm still waiting in line. Who doesn't long for someone to hold; who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I'm on my own, if there's a soulmate for everyone...

I know there is a perfect man for me, created especially for me by a loving God. He'll be funny and sensitive, but strong and protecting. His hand will fit perfectly with mine, like two puzzle pieces. He'll look at me when I'm wearing my Lucky Charms pajama pants and a hoodie, my hair in a ponytail and next to no makeup on, and he'll still tell me I'm pretty, even if I'm not. He'll love, or at least tolerate, country music, and make me laugh when I want to cry. I only wish I knew where he is; who he is--or if he's the one I already found and lost. Is my soulmate still out there? Or will I spend the rest of my life waiting, wondering and settling for second-best? I don't know. But either way, it's breaking my heart.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I just spent days practicing my Chopin Nocturne for my test today. It still wasn't good enough for me. B+. I could have done better. But at least it's over. Just one more test to go. Just two more weeks to go. Until SUMMER! I need a break from this college thing. Being a music major is definately more stressful than I expected.

I suppose I should start my paper that should have been done last Thursday. oops. Blogging is such a nice distraction. lol.

Most relationships seem so transitory--they're all good but not the permanent one. Who doesn't long for someone to hold; who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I'm on my own, if there's a soulmate for everyone.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

It makes her feel close; makes her smile. It's like he's with her almost...

...'till the tears take over. She's still in hell, but she tells herself she's ready to let him go--'Cause that makes her feel sayin' goodbye; getting on with her life; maybe give love another try...

I guess I'm just easily frustrated lately. The smallest little things are just setting me off, and it makes me afraid to talk to anyone because I don't want to explode on them. That, or the fact that I'm just plain annoyed by you and don't want to talk at all. haha. But that doesn't happen much.

I'm tired of waiting. On love, on happiness, on everything. I'm just impatient. I know I should be enjoying thins because it's the "best time of my life," but I want my real life to start. I want my career, and my family, and my house on a hill by a lake designed my my architect husband, with our dog and cats and a horse. I want our 4 kids; two girls, two boys, and our yard filled with a swingset and a pool. Okay, so this is my fairytale future life I plan out when I can't sleep. I've gone so far as to name the kids...and the pets. But idk. Part of it may be the fact that I know exactly what I want, and I just...want it now. Not that I can have it. Half the problem is that what I want doesn't want me. And I keep hoping that I will find something else to want, but just when I think I slips right through my hands. Mainly, relationship-wise.

I want him. I really do. But it's so hard. Nothing is the same as it was before. Nothing except my feelings. My feelings grew up as we did. If anything, they are stronger than before. I keep trying to push it all away; trying to imagine my life without him. But I can't. He is intertwined with every facet of my existance. And it's tearing me apart. Because he. doesn't. want. me. I keep punctuating that in my mind; hoping if I repeat it enough, I will let it all go. But I never do.

I'm living a lie. To my friends, my family, myself and even him. I'm pretending nothing is fazing me. Another girl? great. You're happy? I'm so glad. He's moved on? I'm so over it all. But I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. I want him. And I don't care anymore who knows it.

So tonight, I'll cry over it. I'll mourn my lonely heart, and my dormant love life. I'll stare at our picture and cry until I fall asleep. And then tomorrow, I'll wake up, rub the sleep and tears from my eyes, take a deep breath...and start all over. I'll paste on my picture perfect smile, and pretend for one more day.

...Oh, she's still in hell, but she tells herself she's ready to let him go; 'cause that makes her feel close.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Shoulda been much further then this by now; a little bit more gone, a little less twisted around.

Shoulda been much better you’d think, but I’m not. I’m still stuck; I’m still here, in this rut.

Looking back on everything that we had; Holding on to words that we can’t take back.

What am I to do with the past, when it’s all that I have, & I can’t get you back?

Now I wait by the phone in the dark, drunk on hope.

I’m so lost; I’m so alone & I just want you to know--

Everywhere that I go, I’m reminded of us:

Where we’ve been, all we’ve done, & all the love that we shared...

Once, you made the world feel so right.

Once, you were my morning, noon & night.

Why’d we slip away? Why did it all change? How will I ever be the same?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

there's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained...

...there's a glow off the pavement; you walk me to the car. And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there in the middle of the parking lot.

I don't know. I'm so sick of how judgemental people are. It annoys me so badly that people focus so much on the way people look, how they dress, that no one takes the time to get to know the person for themselves. It's not fair. There are so many amazing people out there, but no one ever really knows them because they aren't flawless.

I can't lie. I've been judgemental too. Sometimes I see fruity outfits or messy hair, and wonder how these people leave their houses in the morning looking the way they do. But it doesn't keep me from making friends with them. A lot of those messy haired, fruity outfitted people have amazing hearts and make amazing friends.

Sorry, that was just randomly on my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about my life, and what is missing from it. Not being in a relationship has really been getting to me lately. I know exactly what is is that I am looking for. I just can't find him. I wasn't someone funny. Someone smart. Someone kind and caring. Someone who loves me. I want someone that likes to dance in the rain, watch chick flicks, and make cupcakes. I want someone who will at least tolerate, if not actually like, country music. Don't make fun of me when I'm singing Reba or Martina or Taylor. Don't roll your eyes and get annoyed when I'm swooning over Garth or Kenny or Keith. I love country music, and if you can't handle that, you're not the one for me. There's so much I'm looking for; so much I'm wanting...I'm just so afraid I'll never find it.

...I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now. But you're just so cool; run your hands through your hair, absent mindedly makin' me want you. & I don't know how it gets better than this. You take my hand and drag me head first: fearless. & I don't know why, but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."