I guess I'm just easily frustrated lately. The smallest little things are just setting me off, and it makes me afraid to talk to anyone because I don't want to explode on them. That, or the fact that I'm just plain annoyed by you and don't want to talk at all. haha. But that doesn't happen much.
I'm tired of waiting. On love, on happiness, on everything. I'm just impatient. I know I should be enjoying thins because it's the "best time of my life," but I want my real life to start. I want my career, and my family, and my house on a hill by a lake designed my my architect husband, with our dog and cats and a horse. I want our 4 kids; two girls, two boys, and our yard filled with a swingset and a pool. Okay, so this is my fairytale future life I plan out when I can't sleep. I've gone so far as to name the kids...and the pets. But idk. Part of it may be the fact that I know exactly what I want, and I just...want it now. Not that I can have it. Half the problem is that what I want doesn't want me. And I keep hoping that I will find something else to want, but just when I think I have...it slips right through my hands. Mainly, relationship-wise.
I want him. I really do. But it's so hard. Nothing is the same as it was before. Nothing except my feelings. My feelings grew up as we did. If anything, they are stronger than before. I keep trying to push it all away; trying to imagine my life without him. But I can't. He is intertwined with every facet of my existance. And it's tearing me apart. Because he. doesn't. want. me. I keep punctuating that in my mind; hoping if I repeat it enough, I will let it all go. But I never do.
I'm living a lie. To my friends, my family, myself and even him. I'm pretending nothing is fazing me. Another girl? great. You're happy? I'm so glad. He's moved on? I'm so over it all. But I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. I want him. And I don't care anymore who knows it.
So tonight, I'll cry over it. I'll mourn my lonely heart, and my dormant love life. I'll stare at our picture and cry until I fall asleep. And then tomorrow, I'll wake up, rub the sleep and tears from my eyes, take a deep breath...and start all over. I'll paste on my picture perfect smile, and pretend for one more day.
...Oh, she's still in hell, but she tells herself she's ready to let him go; 'cause that makes her feel close.
"peace, love & music."