Saturday, February 21, 2009

Baby, you're a wrecking ball, crashing into me; nothing I can do but fall...

...Piece by piece, you broke down every part of me that ever thought I'd never need you, baby...

I am alone again. I mean, I'm almost always alone in one way or another, but tonight, I'm actually, literally alone. I'm sitting in my dorm room, using alf's internet, and watching four straight hours of House. Ohh House I've got a bottle of pepsi, a bag of cheez-its, and my phone--I'm all set.

And yet, I wish someone was here. I wish someone were laying beside me, sharing a bag of skittles, waiting to watch Saturday Night Live with me. [Tonight is a repeat of Hugh Laurie's appearance.] I wish someone were laughing at my dumbstruck, slack-jawed, drool-covered face, as I watch Dr. House make another genius, incredibly sexy-sounding diagnosis. And I wish that someone would hug me and kiss my cheek, while whispering something hilarious in my ear in an incredibly fake British accent, attempting to prove that he is more attractive that Mr. Laurie. And I would laugh and kiss him, and tell him I'll always love him more than House; because House is a fictional character--but my someone, he is real.

...It's twisted; messed up & the more I think about it, it's crazy, but so what? I may never understand it. I'm caught up & I'm hanging on--I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong...

Except he's not real. He is a creation of my mind; a combination of memories and fantasy. I'm never going to find him; or I've found him, and can never have him. I hate him. With every day that passes; every day without speaking to him, I hate him more and more. I want to yell and scream and tell him I hate him. I want to tell him I'm done; tell him our psuedo-friendship is over. I want to erase him from my buddy list, my cell phone contacts and my life.

But I can't Everytime I try, I remember. I remember everything about jrb. I remember his hand in mine, his arms around my waist, his lips on mine. I remember his stupid jokes, his smile and his eyes. I remember the way he made me smile when I was sad, and wiped my every tear; every fear away. He was my best friend. I gave him all of me. I gave him my heart; parts of my heart that I can never get back. I will never love another person the way I loved him. The way I love him. Because I do.

I still do. I don't want to, but I do.

& I always will.

...Everybody's telling me I'm over my head. But they didn't feel you loving me. They all say that I've gone crazy; maybe, but it's too late now to save me--I'm too tangled. It's twisted; messed up & the more I think about it it's crazy, but so what? I may never understand it. I'm caught up & I'm hanging on. I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong--even if it's twisted.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Monday, February 16, 2009

"Holding on, the days drag on. Stupid girl; I should have known that I'm not a princess...

"...This ain't a fairytale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell..."

[I wrote this awhile ago, but sadly, it still rings true. Nothing ever changes.]

I am sick of living my life in circles.
You would think by now I know better - but I don't.
I've tried everything short of hibernation to stop all this. I waited; I stopped waiting. I held on as close as I could; I pushed you away. I decided to be your best friend; I didn't speak to you for months. I prayed, I wished, I hoped, I dreamed.

Nothing works. Nothing works.

Just when I think I'm getting closer; that maybe you've realized -- I'm always wrong. Why can't I get it through my head? YOU AREN'T COMING BACK TO ME.

You love me -- as your sister.
You want me -- as your friend.
You need me -- to talk to when you're lonely.
I can pray and wish and hope and dream all I want; it won't change anything.

I'm not the girl you set your eye; your heart on. I'm not the girl you want to call; to tell her "I love you." I'm not the girl you want to be with. I'm always just going to be your friend.
I just hate not being your lover.
I need to face it; I'M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I am destined to be the cat-lady, forever and for always. *sigh*

I NEED YOU. I wish you could see it.
I WANT YOU. I wish you understood.
I LOVE YOU. I wish you loved me too.

"...This ain't Hollywood. This is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went & let me down. & it's too late I'm still waiting for you & your white horse to come around."

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Well open up your mind and see like me; open up your plans and damn you're free...

...Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love.

It's Valentine's Day. I have never been a Valentine's fan; probably a symptom of my bitter heart. 18 years of hearts & flowers, and never a Valentine of my own. It depresses me sometimes, but I know that I'm not the only one...right?

I figured I'd treat today just like any other day, but of course my mom had to get me a card, and a package of Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate. I guess V-Day isn't SO bad ;]

I'm glad to be home though today. I'm sitting in the recliner, watching Food Network and not eating hot pockets or easy mac, which is what I've been surviving on recently. My cats want to cuddle, and I have a piano that I can easily access, so life is good.

Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing; we're just one big family & it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved. So I won't hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait; I'm sure there's no need to complicate, our time is short. This is our fate, I'm yours.

I keep holding out hope that some prince on a white horse is gonna ride up and save me, but I know it's impossible and a little crazy. Although if he happened to resemble Hugh Laurie with a piano, I'd be okay with that. ;] I don't know. It hit me yesterday night just how pathetic my love life has become. Of my four best friends, one is engaged, one is almost engaged, and the other two have been in serious relationships for at least two months. I haven't so much as held hands with someone for two years. I just don't understand. I keep wondering if there is something so wrong with me that maybe I really AM meant to be that crazy cat lady in that house on the corner.

I can't figure it out. I mean I'm intelligent, I'm caring, I'm told that I'm talented. I'm not entirely butt-ugly, although I'm not as pretty as most of the people I know. I shower daily, and I brush my teeth. So what is it that keeps guys from looking in my direction? I guess it's something I'm not meant to understand. I have faith that God has got that perfect person hiding behind the next corner...I only wish I knew which corner it was. Sometimes, you get tired of waiting and having faith. Sometimes, you just want to...not be alone anymore.

Oh well, I've got my cats to cuddle with, and a piano to play. I'll be alright for another day or two.
Happy Single's Awareness Day - May the chocolate be bountiful and the ice cream be cold. :]

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror, & bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer. But my breath fogged up the glass, & so I drew a new face and I laughed. I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanities & just go with the seasons. It's what we aim to do; our name is our virtue. But I won't hesitate no more, no more. It cannot wait; I'm yours.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

God put us here, on this carnival ride...

...we close our eyes; never knowing where it'll take us next.

I have a lot of thoughts currently pouring through my head. I really don't know where I'm going lately. I'm just so desperate to feel something, from someone; anyone. I'm desperate to find somewhere to deposit everything my heart has to give. I really do have so much to offer, but I don't think anyone will ever see it. I saw a postcard on PostSecret a couple weeks ago, and I started bawling when I read it. It was beautiful and sad and I could have written it myself:

Lately, I really do feel as though I'm riding this carnival ride, that I just can't get off of. It spins faster and faster, blurring everything within my line of sight. I keep begging to slow down, but it never does. I don't know if it ever will...& I'm riding alone.

That thought alone scares me. I don't want to ride alone. It's not fun to go by yourself, and when things get scary, you don't have a hand to hold. I so desperately long for one...

I hold onto my faith, and I pray and know that everything will happen in God's time. I just wish God's watch was syncronized with mine. Three years is a long time to hold onto something you can't have. While jrb will always be "my first love," I am so tired of his games and the way he is constantly jumping between extreme sweetheart and extreme asshole. He is my best friend one day and an asshole the next, and I deserve better than a part-time friend. Everyone in the world kept telling me so; ags, alf, ael, ael, slt--I know I should have listened each and every time, but I couldn't bear to believe that they were right. But more and more, I see it's true. And more and more, he makes me hate him. For everything he's done and all he's put me through. I am still struggling with the hardest word: goodbye. I can never seem to get it off my tongue and pass it through my lips. No matter how badly I need to.

I so desperately wish that cae would let me in. I think he started to, but then again, he's started to so many times before. Even through all he's gone through, I've never been able to give up on him. He is such an amazing person, with a beautiful spirit. He is so bright and incredible, but that light he's always had has been dimmed by the choices he's made. I truly believe that this time he really is trying to change, and I pray that he finds the strength to do so. And part of me has never given up on that spark that I felt for him, and sometimes I still find myself wishing for some fire to come of that spark, even if the logical part of me knows none ever will. *sigh* Sometimes, I'm still that naive seventeen year old girl, wanting and wishing for things that will never happen.

It's the wheel of the world turning around. In the blink of an eye it can change your life, & it never even slows down. It's the wheel of the world. I don't know what it is; I'm flying high, then I'm wondering why I'm sinking on this ship, going down. Life keeps on moving anyway. It can open your heart; it can break you apart & it never even slows down. It's the wheel of the world turning around.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

But down the road the sun is shining... every cloud there's a silver lining; just keep holding on.

I kind of feel like telling my life story. hehe.

So my name is Allyson Rae. I was born March 17, 1990, which makes me one month and seven days away from being nineteen. yay. I was pretty lucky; my parents were amazing. They loved each other, and you could tell, even when they fought. And I was a lovely child, so it was easy for them to love me too. ;] haha. I'm just kidding, honestly. Not about the fact that they loved me though. I was an only child for seven years, until they had my sister. We won't talk much about her. I hate her. I love her. It's typical. :]

I spent my whole life living on the same property, in a total of two different houses. I remember pretending to tap dance on my old kitchen floor in my shiny black mary-janes, singing Barney songs and Garth Brooks at the top of my lungs. Yes, I tap-danced to Garth Brooks. :D

I've been a CVCS Cougar since I started pre-school. I've never gone anywhere else, and to be honest, there have only been one or two times where I really wanted to. I graduated fifteenth or sixteenth in my class in the Spring of 2008. It was bittersweet. My best friend ags and I sang "For Good," a song from the musical "Wicked," along with our Sr. High Band, playing an arrangement that our band director put together. We definately cried.

Ahh music; where do I begin? Music has been in my life since I was little. from "Jesus Loves Me," to Brooks and Dunn, to Led Zeppelin--I've been exposed to everything. My mom loved country, and my dad, rock and roll. So when Mommy drove me to Walmart, we sang along to Reba McEntire, and those times when Daddy let me ride to the dump, we'd blast Pink Floyd and The Beatles. Life was good.

In the Spring of 2001, I auditioned for the single most-influential thing in my life: The Chautauqua Children's Chorale. The CCC is a choir of exceptionally talented children in grades 3 - 12, who get together once a week and rehearse. And from Fall 2001 to Summer 2008, seven years, I was one of them. I have probably learned close to 200 songs, in at least 10 languages, and sang in maybe 75 concerts. We took two trips to Hawaii (July 2003 & July 2008) as well as one Alaska trip I did not attend. The people I met there became my family; that group my life. And through the music, and the guidance of our incredible director, I found myself and decided my future.

And so I find myself here,a second-semester freshman at JCC, majoring in Music, living with three of my best friends: alf, ael & ael-- and having the time of my life. I sing in the Jazz Chorus here on Mondays. Even coming to college, I never lost the music. Obviously--I am a music major. But while my days are spent analyzing chords and singing solfege, I can look forward to the Monday nights when I'm making music just for the pure joy of making music. I look forward to the hours I can spend singing with the radio, or belting out some karaoke with my friends. I've found ways to keep music from becoming a chore, and I am so glad I have. If I hadn't, I'm afraid that actually actively pursuing the study of music would have ruined music for me forever. Then I really don't know what I would have done.

Things haven't always been easy in my life. I dealt with favoritism, criticism, a fair share of ridicule and isolation, not to mention sadness, pain, anger and depression. We've struggled with money, family issues, tragedy, and death. While I've liked several boys growing up, only one ever gave me a chance, jrb, and that same boy is the only one who has ever truly broken my heart; something I still struggle to overcome to this day. Yet, through everything I've experienced, all the adversity I've faced, I have still managed to overcome it all, and become a better and stronger person for it. Something I plan to continue doing. You only get one life, you might as well live it and enjoy it.

I don't know what the point of this really was. I think I just wanted to reflect on the past 18 (almost 19!) years, and everything I've been through. Now I think I'm done with nostalgia for awhile. :]

...& every heartache makes you stronger, but it won't be much longer--you'll find love, you'll find peace & the you you're meant to be. I know right now that's not the way you feel, but one day you will. You will find the strength to rise above. You will find just what you're made of.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."