I am alone again. I mean, I'm almost always alone in one way or another, but tonight, I'm actually, literally alone. I'm sitting in my dorm room, using alf's internet, and watching four straight hours of House. Ohh House ♥ I've got a bottle of pepsi, a bag of cheez-its, and my phone--I'm all set.
And yet, I wish someone was here. I wish someone were laying beside me, sharing a bag of skittles, waiting to watch Saturday Night Live with me. [Tonight is a repeat of Hugh Laurie's appearance.] I wish someone were laughing at my dumbstruck, slack-jawed, drool-covered face, as I watch Dr. House make another genius, incredibly sexy-sounding diagnosis. And I wish that someone would hug me and kiss my cheek, while whispering something hilarious in my ear in an incredibly fake British accent, attempting to prove that he is more attractive that Mr. Laurie. And I would laugh and kiss him, and tell him I'll always love him more than House; because House is a fictional character--but my someone, he is real.
...It's twisted; messed up & the more I think about it, it's crazy, but so what? I may never understand it. I'm caught up & I'm hanging on--I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong...
Except he's not real. He is a creation of my mind; a combination of memories and fantasy. I'm never going to find him; or I've found him, and can never have him. I hate him. With every day that passes; every day without speaking to him, I hate him more and more. I want to yell and scream and tell him I hate him. I want to tell him I'm done; tell him our psuedo-friendship is over. I want to erase him from my buddy list, my cell phone contacts and my life.
But I can't Everytime I try, I remember. I remember everything about jrb. I remember his hand in mine, his arms around my waist, his lips on mine. I remember his stupid jokes, his smile and his eyes. I remember the way he made me smile when I was sad, and wiped my every tear; every fear away. He was my best friend. I gave him all of me. I gave him my heart; parts of my heart that I can never get back. I will never love another person the way I loved him. The way I love him. Because I do.
I still do. I don't want to, but I do.
& I always will.
...Everybody's telling me I'm over my head. But they didn't feel you loving me. They all say that I've gone crazy; maybe, but it's too late now to save me--I'm too tangled. It's twisted; messed up & the more I think about it it's crazy, but so what? I may never understand it. I'm caught up & I'm hanging on. I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong--even if it's twisted.
"peace, love & music."