Monday, December 20, 2010
it's a first kiss, it's flawless, really something; it's fearless ♥
I just had the most amazing day. I got up around 11, got ready for work left around noon & we stopped at BK Lounge, since I'd been craving it for 20 million years. I had to work 1 to 6, and it's hard to work when you are anticipating something so much. They stuck me in fitting room, which would be fine on a normal day. But with nothing to do, the time drags on. So. Slow. After three hours of that, they pulled me out of there to go run 60 Housewares stuff. I spent the next hour and a half PRAYING for six o'clock. & when it came...I was so happy. haha. A bunch of people knew about the date so they're all like..."OMG Allyson, good luck." hahaha. & I was laughing & I went outside and...there he was. So we went to Wing City, and ate...and it was so funny 'cause he was awkward and nervous and it was so cute. & he held my hand and it fit and I was like...this is it. So he wanted to kill time so we went to Walmart and wandered around holding hands and looking at random shit and talking. Then he drove me home, and we talked some more, and he reached over and held my hand until we got to my house and then we sat there. In the car. & we're both like...ummmm. & he's like "Id ask if you wanted to kiss, but I dunno if that's too soon or something..." and I'm like "Well...no, I don't think it is." and we both kinda leaned in and bumped noses and like...it was that awkward sort of perfect where you're both nervous and shy and its adorable and perfect and my heart skipped a beat and he smelled really good and his hand fit perfect with mine and he's like "I hope this lasts." and like...I couldn't catch my breath and I'm like...I guess I have to get out of the car now haha. Its just so cute 'cause he gets all shy and awkward and I think its adorable and I don't know. I'm just so happy I can't breathe and I had to write it all down so I wouldn't ever forget this moment.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Life Ramblings
I really want to write a blog, but I don't really even know where to start.
It's the end of the semester. I need to get through a 15hr work weekend and 4 finals and then I can say I survived my first semester at Fredonia. To be honest, I really don't like it there. I had two professors I liked, I'm not really enjoying my coursework, and I really haven't made a single real friend since I started there. By the end of my first semester at JCC, I'd made at least five friends. It's so depressing. On days when my JCC friends aren't around for classes, I'm sitting alone, running the battery out on my laptop, then searching for an outlet to plug it back in.
With the exception of one person.
SMS is...unbelievable. We met online 4 months ago, discovered we had a mutual friend, and we each went to her for information on the other. hehe. We met up for coffee a couple times, and before I knew it, we were texting back and forth practically all day, every day. We went out to dinner at Applebee's, got some more coffee...and then life got in the way. We both got caught up in school and work and life, but continued to talk everyday, even though we didn't see each other again for a couple weeks. Over those few weeks, we had several conversations about life, love, and our futures, and with every text, we learned more and more about the other, and realized just how well we fit. We finally had a chance to get coffee again, and we sat for two hours talking about everything and nothing. Then, he texted me one lonely Tuesday while I was sitting alone in a corner, and surprised me so I wouldn't have to sit alone anymore.
He gets how it feels to be broken hearted. He knows how it feels to get dumped; to deal with a bad relationship. He isn't the kind of person who wants to push it or rush it in any way. He's teaching me the art of patience, and the anticipation is making it all so much more exciting. I'm clinging to this feeling because it's...the most amazing thing I've ever felt. He's being careful because he doesn't want to deal with another breakup. He wants his next relationship to be the last. He's not looking for a night, or a week, or a couple months. He is looking for forever. Forever is what I've been searching for my whole life.
He's smart and he's funny. He has goals and plans for his life. He keeps mentioning things in a way that makes it sound like we'll be doing them together, playing video games and going to concerts, and meeting my parents. I'm trying to be apprehensive; I've trying to keep myself from being excited. Because it seems like every time I get excited and get comfortable with something, it gets ripped away. But I can't help but be excited about him. He's everything I've been waiting for. And I'm perfectly happy to continue waiting and anticipating what is to come, because I just have this good feeling that we have all the time in the world to let this happen.
Life is being absolutely wonderful to me lately, & I hope it doesn't decide to crash & burn on me again.
It's the end of the semester. I need to get through a 15hr work weekend and 4 finals and then I can say I survived my first semester at Fredonia. To be honest, I really don't like it there. I had two professors I liked, I'm not really enjoying my coursework, and I really haven't made a single real friend since I started there. By the end of my first semester at JCC, I'd made at least five friends. It's so depressing. On days when my JCC friends aren't around for classes, I'm sitting alone, running the battery out on my laptop, then searching for an outlet to plug it back in.
With the exception of one person.
SMS is...unbelievable. We met online 4 months ago, discovered we had a mutual friend, and we each went to her for information on the other. hehe. We met up for coffee a couple times, and before I knew it, we were texting back and forth practically all day, every day. We went out to dinner at Applebee's, got some more coffee...and then life got in the way. We both got caught up in school and work and life, but continued to talk everyday, even though we didn't see each other again for a couple weeks. Over those few weeks, we had several conversations about life, love, and our futures, and with every text, we learned more and more about the other, and realized just how well we fit. We finally had a chance to get coffee again, and we sat for two hours talking about everything and nothing. Then, he texted me one lonely Tuesday while I was sitting alone in a corner, and surprised me so I wouldn't have to sit alone anymore.
He gets how it feels to be broken hearted. He knows how it feels to get dumped; to deal with a bad relationship. He isn't the kind of person who wants to push it or rush it in any way. He's teaching me the art of patience, and the anticipation is making it all so much more exciting. I'm clinging to this feeling because it's...the most amazing thing I've ever felt. He's being careful because he doesn't want to deal with another breakup. He wants his next relationship to be the last. He's not looking for a night, or a week, or a couple months. He is looking for forever. Forever is what I've been searching for my whole life.
He's smart and he's funny. He has goals and plans for his life. He keeps mentioning things in a way that makes it sound like we'll be doing them together, playing video games and going to concerts, and meeting my parents. I'm trying to be apprehensive; I've trying to keep myself from being excited. Because it seems like every time I get excited and get comfortable with something, it gets ripped away. But I can't help but be excited about him. He's everything I've been waiting for. And I'm perfectly happy to continue waiting and anticipating what is to come, because I just have this good feeling that we have all the time in the world to let this happen.
Life is being absolutely wonderful to me lately, & I hope it doesn't decide to crash & burn on me again.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
When you think "Tim McGraw," I hope you think of me...
I just did some reminiscing. circa 2005. God, what we had was so innocent, so real. What I'd give to experience that again. Now I face relationships in the adult world. With real world responsibilities, and real world expectations. Back then, we were just two kids in a magic kind of puppy love. That just doesn't happen twice.
I really did love you, despite what I thought when I was with jek, our love existed; it was real. I can try & deny it and claim he was my first love. But I'd be lying. You were my first kiss, my first magic & my first heartbreak. She is so lucky to have you, and I was just lucky to know you & have you in my life for a time. You're beautiful and wonderful and you will make her so happy for the rest of your lives. I only wish I could tell you this all person to person. But I doubt we will ever speak again. It's such a shame.
I miss your friendship. I miss you.
jrb, Thank you for my first glimpse at love. I will never forget you.
"September saw a month of tears & thankin' God that you weren't here to see me like that. But in a box beneath my bed, is a letter that you never read from three summers back. It's hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet & lookin' back on all of that, it's nice to believe. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think my favorite song; the one we danced to all night long, the moon like a spotlight on the lake. When you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress--think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me. & I'm back for the first time since then; I'm standin' on your street. & there's a letter left on your doorstep, the first thing that you'll read is: 'When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think my favorite song. Someday you'll turn your radio on--I hope it takes you back to that place.' When you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me."
I really did love you, despite what I thought when I was with jek, our love existed; it was real. I can try & deny it and claim he was my first love. But I'd be lying. You were my first kiss, my first magic & my first heartbreak. She is so lucky to have you, and I was just lucky to know you & have you in my life for a time. You're beautiful and wonderful and you will make her so happy for the rest of your lives. I only wish I could tell you this all person to person. But I doubt we will ever speak again. It's such a shame.
I miss your friendship. I miss you.
jrb, Thank you for my first glimpse at love. I will never forget you.
"September saw a month of tears & thankin' God that you weren't here to see me like that. But in a box beneath my bed, is a letter that you never read from three summers back. It's hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet & lookin' back on all of that, it's nice to believe. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think my favorite song; the one we danced to all night long, the moon like a spotlight on the lake. When you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress--think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me. & I'm back for the first time since then; I'm standin' on your street. & there's a letter left on your doorstep, the first thing that you'll read is: 'When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think my favorite song. Someday you'll turn your radio on--I hope it takes you back to that place.' When you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me."
Monday, September 27, 2010
It's easy...
Dear Big Guy,
It's easy when I'm nowhere near him. I don't see him, hear his voice, make eye contact. I'm so...happy. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to try and make a relationship work. Hell, I don't even want to be friends. At all. Not even a little bit. He is the worst thing in the world for me, and I'm happy without him. He hates me for nothing, and if that's how he wants to feel, then I'm fine with that.
But just when I feel safe. I'm not worried about running into him anymore. I just don't even care at all. & then I chance going out and doing something...there he is. I don't know what it is. I'm happy with where I am right now. It's just...when I see him, I lose all rational thought. My stomach drops to my pelvis, my heart pounds, and I can't think. at all. It's not that I'm not over him, because I feel like I've crossed the Golden Gate Bridge four times with how over him I am. Jordyn says it's because he was my first "real" love. I hope that there's another reason, or that it goes away soon. Because its inevitable that he'll keep being in all the places I am; we live in the same place, basically. But if I have to feel the way I felt today every time I see him, I'll move to Peru to escape.
I hope he finds happiness, and gets everything he deserves out of life. I will always care that he is doing well for himself. But I am so happy with my life, and I'm happy with moving on and where I'm going right now. I don't need to forget how to think everytime I see him. So if I could just not see him ever again, that would be great. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Me.
It's easy when I'm nowhere near him. I don't see him, hear his voice, make eye contact. I'm so...happy. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to try and make a relationship work. Hell, I don't even want to be friends. At all. Not even a little bit. He is the worst thing in the world for me, and I'm happy without him. He hates me for nothing, and if that's how he wants to feel, then I'm fine with that.
But just when I feel safe. I'm not worried about running into him anymore. I just don't even care at all. & then I chance going out and doing something...there he is. I don't know what it is. I'm happy with where I am right now. It's just...when I see him, I lose all rational thought. My stomach drops to my pelvis, my heart pounds, and I can't think. at all. It's not that I'm not over him, because I feel like I've crossed the Golden Gate Bridge four times with how over him I am. Jordyn says it's because he was my first "real" love. I hope that there's another reason, or that it goes away soon. Because its inevitable that he'll keep being in all the places I am; we live in the same place, basically. But if I have to feel the way I felt today every time I see him, I'll move to Peru to escape.
I hope he finds happiness, and gets everything he deserves out of life. I will always care that he is doing well for himself. But I am so happy with my life, and I'm happy with moving on and where I'm going right now. I don't need to forget how to think everytime I see him. So if I could just not see him ever again, that would be great. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Me.
Monday, September 13, 2010
It's a Pumpkin Spice Kind of Morning...
Now normally, my go to drink is the simple, no-muss-no-fuss, Caffè Vanilla Frappuccino (no whip. I HATE whipped cream on my coffee drinks.) It's sweet, and icy, and the coffee taste isn't too overpowering. But this morning was a little nippy, and I wanted something warm. Hot chocolate wasn't going to do the trick--I needed the caffeine. I finally finished the trek across campus, and stood, staring intensely at the menu on the wall. When out of the corner of my eye I saw it. The beautiful picture that drew me in . "The Happy Return" it said. That just had to be a good sign. So I stepped out of my comfort zone, looked the barista in the eye and ordered it...the Pumpkin Spice Latte. She handed me my cup with a smile, and I settled myself at my usual table. I took a deep breath, brought the cup to my lips and sipped.
Each spice - cinnamon, clove and nutmeg - was easy on my palette, and while the espresso flavor was still a little strong for my taste, the overall drink was a lovely combination that I am thoroughly satisfied with. Made with 2% milk, and minus the whipped cream, this drink came in at only 240 calories, versus the 220 calories of my go-to drink. For only 20 calories more, I think it's a nice change of pace. Now that I know what expanding my horizons can be like, I won't stop here. I will courageously try several more signature drinks that I have been wanting to try, but lacking in the bravery department to actually do so.
In keeping with my pumpkin theme of the morning, I went all out and purchased the Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin, the one that has been teasing me from behind the glass for weeks now. This muffin was...something out of a dream. I texted a friend of mine, and this is what I had to say. "But this muffin. OMG it's to DIE for. I'm serious. I would sacrifice my life for one bite. If I'm ever on death row, this will be part of my last meal. I'm in love. Oh, Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin. I think that my wedding cake will be made out of you." Yes, this muffin really WAS that good. Moist and delicious, I actually ate around the cream cheese, because that put it over-the-top in the sweetness department. Although I could do without the candied pumpkin seeds on top. Just not my cup of latte I suppose. ;) This muffin comes in at a whopping 470 calories, but it was so sweet I could only eat half, so I'm clocking it at about 235. Which is still a lot, but nothing I can't live with when it comes to a muffin that is a gift from God.
Starbucks, you've done it again. I love you. However...my bank account isn't quite so happy. Indulging my habit has cost me about $50 bucks alone since the beginning of the semester. But the habit isn't going anywhere, so I guess I'm just gonna have to make more money. Hey TJMaxx! Time for a raise. ;)
Monday, July 12, 2010
"Because I believe above all, that love is something that is discovered through the good times and sustained in the bad times."
Currently Listening:Getting Dressed in the Dark
By Jaron and the Long Road to Love
Pray for You
After my last breakup, I've spent a lot of time sulking, moping, and feeling sorry for myself. But in the course of all that, I've begun to figure out who it is that I really am, and what exactly it is that I am looking for. I refuse to keep settling for second best because second best doesn't get you anywhere but dissatisfaction and heartache.
I want a boy who can make me laugh, who makes me feel special, who likes or can tolerate country music, who will enjoy lazy days watching movies on the couch just as much as he'll enjoy a Friday night on the town, and won't mind when I'd rather stay in than go out because I'm exhausted from my life. I want someone sweet, kind, considerate, smart, respectful (especially of my parents--for God's sake, DON'T meet my parents for the first time and say "Hi Mom." just DON'T.), and fun to be around. I want someone who doesn't smoke, who doesn't do drugs, who isn't afraid of a real relationship, or of sharing his feelings and thoughts with me. I need someone who is open and honest, who won't keep secrets, who is spontaneous to a point, but who won't change his mind about the things that really matter, like "I love you." I want someone who can make me feel beautiful, and who can reassure me on the bad days, and celebrate with me on the good ones. I need someone who will be there, who I know I can count on.
If you are or can be any and/or all of those things, don't hesitate to let me know. :) Because I promise you, that I can be an amazing girlfriend, if you give me the chance to try. I am honest and open and fun, and I really am up to try just about anything at least once. I am loyal almost to a fault, and when I love you, I love you fiercely, with everything I have--the good & the bad things about you. Because I believe above all, that love is something that is discovered through the good times and sustained in the bad times. And if you survive the bad, then you know that what you feel is real, and that makes the good times to come even that much better.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
& I bet He'd understand a heart like mine.
I ain't the kind you take home to mama;
I ain't the kind to wear no ring.
Somehow I always get stronger
When I'm on my second drink.
Even though I hate to admit it,
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes ew.
Christian folks say I should quit it;
I just smile and say "God Bless."
'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine.
Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo, *soon.
But said he loved me anyway.
Mybrother got the brains of the family, I have a sister, & I got those too :)
So I thought I'd learn to sing.
'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine.
I'll fly away from it all one day.
And I'll fly, I'll fly away.
But these are the days that I will remember,
When my name's called on the roll.
He'll meet me with two long stem glasses,
And make a toast to me coming home.
'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand--
Understand a heart like mine.
Oh, yes he would. ♥
I'm tired of hypocrites. I'm tired of being told "We should love everybody, because Jesus did & it's the right thing to do," but being told it's wrong to be gay, do drungs, drink, smoke, or be an unwed mother. Who are we to say what is right and wrong? Who are we to judge anyone else for who they are, what they do, or how they feel? It isn't our business; it isn't our place to decide. Leave the judgements for the Judgement Day & love everyone--Jesus died for ALL of us, not just some.
I ain't the kind to wear no ring.
Somehow I always get stronger
When I'm on my second drink.
Even though I hate to admit it,
Christian folks say I should quit it;
I just smile and say "God Bless."
'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine.
Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo, *soon.
But said he loved me anyway.
My
So I thought I'd learn to sing.
'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine.
I'll fly away from it all one day.
And I'll fly, I'll fly away.
But these are the days that I will remember,
When my name's called on the roll.
He'll meet me with two long stem glasses,
And make a toast to me coming home.
'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand--
Understand a heart like mine.
Oh, yes he would. ♥
I'm tired of hypocrites. I'm tired of being told "We should love everybody, because Jesus did & it's the right thing to do," but being told it's wrong to be gay, do drungs, drink, smoke, or be an unwed mother. Who are we to say what is right and wrong? Who are we to judge anyone else for who they are, what they do, or how they feel? It isn't our business; it isn't our place to decide. Leave the judgements for the Judgement Day & love everyone--Jesus died for ALL of us, not just some.
Friday, June 18, 2010
I am the most screwed up person in the world.
"I know. I love you. I wish I didn't. But I can't help it."
-House, 6x22, "Help Me"
story of my freakinggg lifeeeee.
someone shoot me. this is getting old.
-A ♥
PS:
^^I want this. Thanks.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
break through.
It amazes me. How you can take three steps forward, and then a million more back out. I was doing alright. But of course, you know it can't stay that way for long.
I stayed friends with JEK's best friend on Facebook. & today I liked one of his statuses. Little did I know that JEK would decide to comment on it. It had nothing to do with me. He wasn't talking to me, about me or acknowledging me at all. But it didn't matter. That little red notification at the top of the page with his name on it -- it was like a lightning bolt right through my heart. & now, I'm sitting here...and I just miss him. I can't help it. I'm fighting the temptation to pull out his box and curl up with Spot in his old Led Zep t-shirt. I'm fighting the voice inside telling me to pick up the phone and dial his number. Trust me, I've gotten as far as the sixth digit before I snapped it shut and threw it across the room.
I can't do this. Why couldn't a good thing ever last? We were perfect for each other, and he threw it away. We could have fixed things. I could have backed off and given him space. I could have done a million things differently. I just miss him. His arms were home to me. Now I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of trying to forget. I'm tired of trying to be angry, or to hate him, or to just not care. I just want my heart back. I just want him back.
Why is it so hard? It was so long ago. I don't know where to start or what to say to you. I've been all alone needing you by my side. But it's not too late; maybe we just needed time. Can we try to let it go? If we don't than we'll never know. I try to break through but you know that it's up to you...& I know that our love can grow, but this damn river needs to flow. I will try to break through but you know that it's up to you.
Currently Listening:
Breakthrough
By Colbie Caillat
Break Through
I stayed friends with JEK's best friend on Facebook. & today I liked one of his statuses. Little did I know that JEK would decide to comment on it. It had nothing to do with me. He wasn't talking to me, about me or acknowledging me at all. But it didn't matter. That little red notification at the top of the page with his name on it -- it was like a lightning bolt right through my heart. & now, I'm sitting here...and I just miss him. I can't help it. I'm fighting the temptation to pull out his box and curl up with Spot in his old Led Zep t-shirt. I'm fighting the voice inside telling me to pick up the phone and dial his number. Trust me, I've gotten as far as the sixth digit before I snapped it shut and threw it across the room.
I can't do this. Why couldn't a good thing ever last? We were perfect for each other, and he threw it away. We could have fixed things. I could have backed off and given him space. I could have done a million things differently. I just miss him. His arms were home to me. Now I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of trying to forget. I'm tired of trying to be angry, or to hate him, or to just not care. I just want my heart back. I just want him back.
Why is it so hard? It was so long ago. I don't know where to start or what to say to you. I've been all alone needing you by my side. But it's not too late; maybe we just needed time. Can we try to let it go? If we don't than we'll never know. I try to break through but you know that it's up to you...& I know that our love can grow, but this damn river needs to flow. I will try to break through but you know that it's up to you.
Currently Listening:Breakthrough
By Colbie Caillat
Break Through
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
in response to the question: "What would you like to say to your exes?"
Dear Emotionally Unavailable Ex,
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me the value of a heart, and for showing me nothing is worse than giving it away only to get it back in pieces. Thank you for making me finally feel safe; like I belonged somewhere, like I was worth loving -- and for making me strong when you snatched it all away. Thank you for every moment we spent laughing, talking, kissing and holding each other, and thank you for every tear I've cried since you walked away, because all those tears have formed a moat around my heart, encased like a fortress. The drawbridge is up and the alligators are biting. Which means that the next guy is going to have to fight to get to it. And while I know it will make future relationships much more difficult to be successful, I know that in the end, the right man will be the man who fought against all the protection that your actions caused me to create, and who never gave up, despite how difficult it may have been. He will be the man who is worthy of me, because he fought to keep me.
I will never regret our relationship or the time we spent together. I can honestly say that I loved you with all of my heart. You taught me more about love than I could have ever dreamed, and I wouldn't trade any of that, despite the pain I've been living in without you. I know that beneath the cold exterior and the angry words, is the heart that loved me, and the man I fell in love with the day we met. He's still there, and while part of me still hopes that you will find that man again, and in time, you will return, I know that the things that have happened since our goodbye will never be able to be erased, and that there will always be a distance between our hearts. I am sorry for everything, and I wish there was some way for us to bridge this distance and forgive each other. But the damage has been done. That will be my only regret; the way our relationship had to end.
Thank you for the time we shared together--the memories we created. Those can never be replaced, because they are priceless and impossible to recreate. I will miss you for as long as I live, because those pieces of my heart you handed back? Well, you forgot one, and now I am without it, because it is with you, wherever you go, despite all that has happened. Go ahead and keep it--I don't want it back, because even if I had it, nothing would ever be the same.
I wish you the best in life, and with everything you do. Even though you don't believe it, you are so talented, and have so much more potential than you think. You will do amazing things, if only you open up your heart and trust in yourself, and in the people who care about you. Stop pushing the world away, because no one deserves to be alone in this world. I believe in you, always.
Love,
Allyson
P.S. Id really like my shirt back. Thanks.
Currently Listening:
Breakthrough
By Colbie Caillat
I Never Told You
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me the value of a heart, and for showing me nothing is worse than giving it away only to get it back in pieces. Thank you for making me finally feel safe; like I belonged somewhere, like I was worth loving -- and for making me strong when you snatched it all away. Thank you for every moment we spent laughing, talking, kissing and holding each other, and thank you for every tear I've cried since you walked away, because all those tears have formed a moat around my heart, encased like a fortress. The drawbridge is up and the alligators are biting. Which means that the next guy is going to have to fight to get to it. And while I know it will make future relationships much more difficult to be successful, I know that in the end, the right man will be the man who fought against all the protection that your actions caused me to create, and who never gave up, despite how difficult it may have been. He will be the man who is worthy of me, because he fought to keep me.
I will never regret our relationship or the time we spent together. I can honestly say that I loved you with all of my heart. You taught me more about love than I could have ever dreamed, and I wouldn't trade any of that, despite the pain I've been living in without you. I know that beneath the cold exterior and the angry words, is the heart that loved me, and the man I fell in love with the day we met. He's still there, and while part of me still hopes that you will find that man again, and in time, you will return, I know that the things that have happened since our goodbye will never be able to be erased, and that there will always be a distance between our hearts. I am sorry for everything, and I wish there was some way for us to bridge this distance and forgive each other. But the damage has been done. That will be my only regret; the way our relationship had to end.
Thank you for the time we shared together--the memories we created. Those can never be replaced, because they are priceless and impossible to recreate. I will miss you for as long as I live, because those pieces of my heart you handed back? Well, you forgot one, and now I am without it, because it is with you, wherever you go, despite all that has happened. Go ahead and keep it--I don't want it back, because even if I had it, nothing would ever be the same.
I wish you the best in life, and with everything you do. Even though you don't believe it, you are so talented, and have so much more potential than you think. You will do amazing things, if only you open up your heart and trust in yourself, and in the people who care about you. Stop pushing the world away, because no one deserves to be alone in this world. I believe in you, always.
Love,
Allyson
P.S. Id really like my shirt back. Thanks.
Currently Listening:Breakthrough
By Colbie Caillat
I Never Told You
Monday, June 14, 2010
complicated musings.
today has been a very uncomfortable day. I fell asleep about 2:30 this morning only to wake up at almost 5 unable to open my mouth--again. This has been happening on and off for a few months now, but in recent weeks, it's been happening almost every other day. My jaw always clicks and pops when I open and close it, and this displacement in my jaw is one of the most uncomfortable things I've eevr had to deal with. :(
After I finally managed to go back to sleep, I slept until almost 2. I settled in at 5 to watch my beloved Gilmore Girls, and ZMM decided that he needed to comment on my Facebook status in order to talk to Cup -- my best friend who wants nothing to do with him. I told him to get it through his head that she isn't his friend and she wants nothing to do with him, and not to use MY Facebook page to try and talk to her. So what does he do? He tells me to fuck off because no one cares what I think. HELLO? It's MY facebook page you moron. So I told him that its not as if I've never heard that before, and I should be the one telling him to fuck off so to crawl back to the hole he came from and leave me AND my friends alone. So the immature baby deleted me from Facebook. BIIIIIG mistake. If you have learned anything from the whole JEK debacle, it's NOT to delete me off of Facebook. So...I texted him. :)
"Wow, for being 25 and apparently ready to settle down, you're freaking immature. You're just like JEK, except I don't give two shits about you deleting me, because you never meant enough for me to be hurt by anything stupid you do. Have fun with all the ugly whores you hook up with because i'm so much better than that. Good riddance."
and the only comeback he had was
"Piss off ur immature not me bitch dont txt me again."
are you kidding? haaaa. I will gladly never speak to your ugly, crooked teeth, stanky breath face again. You're a loser who doesn't even deserve the ground I walk on.
My only regret is the fact that I took things as far with him as I did. I was just so desperate and eager to move on from JEK, that I forced myself to like this guy I barely knew, on the basis that he liked country music, and I let it go too far. I wish I could take everything back, but I know that I can't. It's too late. So I need to forgive myself, and move on from this, so that I won't end up hating myself for the rest of my life.
I'm tired of this mess I keep getting myself into. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. I wish it were possible for me to just be happy with myself, but I have never been able to feel that way. The only time I have ever felt worth loving is when someone was loving me. JRB, then JEK, & even in a few moments I spent with ZMM. But they all left, got bored with me, decided I wasn't worth it, proved me right. So now I have no choice but to wait. To wait for the one who IS worth my heart, worth my time, worthy of me. To be completely honest with you, and with myself, I still believe with all my heart that JEK is worth it. Somewhere, deep inside the cold exterior and the angry words, is the heart that loved me, and the man I fell in love with the day we met. He's still there, and I keep hoping that he will find that man again, and straighten out his mind and his heart, and he'll find me again. But today, in this moment, I know that ship has sailed, and I have no choice but to watch it disappear into the sunset and keep waiting for a new ship to come into the harbor; a ship with the right one onboard. I just hope that the right one wasn't really the one on that ship that sailed away.
I've been trying so hard, you know? To move past all this stuff with JEK and just focus on the future -- my future at Fredonia, my future career, a future family. Usually, I do alright and I'm just fine, but it's nights that hurt the most. No distractions, no preoccupied TJMaxx customers to help, no good television to watch, no one to talk to -- at night, I lay in bed, and just...miss him. & I can't help but wonder if maybe, some nights, just maybe he miss miss me too.
Ugh -- I just want to get away. But at least I'm rid of stank breath ZMM; for good.
After I finally managed to go back to sleep, I slept until almost 2. I settled in at 5 to watch my beloved Gilmore Girls, and ZMM decided that he needed to comment on my Facebook status in order to talk to Cup -- my best friend who wants nothing to do with him. I told him to get it through his head that she isn't his friend and she wants nothing to do with him, and not to use MY Facebook page to try and talk to her. So what does he do? He tells me to fuck off because no one cares what I think. HELLO? It's MY facebook page you moron. So I told him that its not as if I've never heard that before, and I should be the one telling him to fuck off so to crawl back to the hole he came from and leave me AND my friends alone. So the immature baby deleted me from Facebook. BIIIIIG mistake. If you have learned anything from the whole JEK debacle, it's NOT to delete me off of Facebook. So...I texted him. :)
"Wow, for being 25 and apparently ready to settle down, you're freaking immature. You're just like JEK, except I don't give two shits about you deleting me, because you never meant enough for me to be hurt by anything stupid you do. Have fun with all the ugly whores you hook up with because i'm so much better than that. Good riddance."
and the only comeback he had was
"Piss off ur immature not me bitch dont txt me again."
are you kidding? haaaa. I will gladly never speak to your ugly, crooked teeth, stanky breath face again. You're a loser who doesn't even deserve the ground I walk on.
My only regret is the fact that I took things as far with him as I did. I was just so desperate and eager to move on from JEK, that I forced myself to like this guy I barely knew, on the basis that he liked country music, and I let it go too far. I wish I could take everything back, but I know that I can't. It's too late. So I need to forgive myself, and move on from this, so that I won't end up hating myself for the rest of my life.
I'm tired of this mess I keep getting myself into. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. I wish it were possible for me to just be happy with myself, but I have never been able to feel that way. The only time I have ever felt worth loving is when someone was loving me. JRB, then JEK, & even in a few moments I spent with ZMM. But they all left, got bored with me, decided I wasn't worth it, proved me right. So now I have no choice but to wait. To wait for the one who IS worth my heart, worth my time, worthy of me. To be completely honest with you, and with myself, I still believe with all my heart that JEK is worth it. Somewhere, deep inside the cold exterior and the angry words, is the heart that loved me, and the man I fell in love with the day we met. He's still there, and I keep hoping that he will find that man again, and straighten out his mind and his heart, and he'll find me again. But today, in this moment, I know that ship has sailed, and I have no choice but to watch it disappear into the sunset and keep waiting for a new ship to come into the harbor; a ship with the right one onboard. I just hope that the right one wasn't really the one on that ship that sailed away.
I've been trying so hard, you know? To move past all this stuff with JEK and just focus on the future -- my future at Fredonia, my future career, a future family. Usually, I do alright and I'm just fine, but it's nights that hurt the most. No distractions, no preoccupied TJMaxx customers to help, no good television to watch, no one to talk to -- at night, I lay in bed, and just...miss him. & I can't help but wonder if maybe, some nights, just maybe he miss miss me too.
Ugh -- I just want to get away. But at least I'm rid of stank breath ZMM; for good.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
a collection of xanga posts
Just a collection of my quote-y Xanga posts from the past couple weeks. Made some progress? Perhaps. It's like one step forward and one million steps back sometimes, but I'm trying.
6/13/10:
Oh my gosh. So I was about to post a nice little quote-y update like I've been doing lately, when I made my daily trip to Datingish. I was reading through the most recent blogs, and on the Reader Spotlight blog where they repost some of the best comments from the week, they FEATURED my comment! It made my entire day, even though the story I was retelling still brings tears to my eyes. *sigh* but anyway, I'll link it here, just because I'm mondo excited about it. :)
^^PostSecret<3^^
And now, back to the Quotes :)
I don't care how far you are from me, or how long it's been since we talked. I don't care how mad I got at you, or how mad you've been at me, you're still what matters most to me and I'm never gonna give that up. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
ive never been able to get over you, youre the only guy that i have ever had these strong feelings for. Knowing that at one point; you felt them as well, makes me wish things had been different. But its never too late. So please, open your eyes; its supposed to be us.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in this whole getting over you process, it’s that your always going to mean something to me no matter what happens. Your always gonna be somewhere deep down inside me. Even when I’m happily married to the man of my dreams, if I were to run into you on the street and those gorgeous brown eyes were to meet mine, my heart would skip a beat because I’ll never forget you and the way you made me feel.
I hope that someday, you find an amazing girl. The kind of girl who means everything to you and makes you want to spend every moment of your time with her. The kind of girl who keeps you up at night, just thinking about her beautiful smile, and when you finally fall asleep, she`s all you dream about. I hope she`s the first thing to cross your mind when you wake up in the morning. I hope she changes you in a way you could never understand, yet you know it`s for the better. I hope she`s the kind of girl you would die for. The kind of girl who could make you cry, even though you`d never admit it. The kind of girl who makes you want to go out and do something special, something that means everything to the both of you. The kind of girl you can have silly fights with, then kiss and make up and hold her in your arms like you`re falling in love all over again. I hope you make memories with her her you never forget. I hope she`s your world, and what you have with her is nothing less than perfection. and I hope that one day, you lose her. I hope you mess up and as hard as you try to keep her there with you, she slips through the cracks of your broken heart. I hope it destroys you, because you realized you`ve lost the person you once called your everything. I hope you see every moment you spent together spin away down the drain like it was waiting to happen. I hope you stay up at night because she`s on your mind and when you fall asleep, she haunts your dreams. I hope her beautiful smile stays pressed in your mind like a scar that won’t fade away. I hope you realize that you`re a new person because of her, I hope your new self feels incomplete without her and you miss the old you. The one that was okay with being alone, because you’d rather be the heart breaker than the heartbroken.
I won’t fight to stay when all you want for me to do is leave. I’m not going to miss you when you don’t miss me. I’m not going to care when you don’t at all. I’m not going to try anymore. You’ve kept my hopes up for much too long. It’s time I start thinking about myself again and not you. It’s time I be strong. It’s time I let you go. It's about time I be happy. It’s about time I leave you alone.
***
6/9/10:
When you are a little girl you believe in fairy tales. You say you're going to find your prince charming and he will be all you want him to be. In the fairytale the bad guy is easy to spot. He wears a black cape. Then you grow up and figure out that prince charming isn't as easy to find. The bad guy isn't wearing a cape. He's really cute and makes you laugh.
you know what sucks? finding out everything you believe in is just a total lie, like fairy tales, soul mates, true love. it's all just one big mess leaving you with heartbreak.
i loved you. and here's a news flash; you protected me from nothing. i spent time missing you, wondering what the hell i did wrong to make you do that to me. i thought everything was my fault. and even when I got over that, i still knew what i'd lost: you. you were the one who made me laugh when i had a crappy day. you were the one I vented to when i was mad, the one i shared all the good stuff with. you always knew when i was full of crap, and you always called me on it. you were smart, you were funny, and you were good-looking. You were mine. and then suddenly, you weren't. i knew every day exactly what i'd lost, and i missed you every day, and i believed in you every day, and my heart broke every day. that's the big favor you did for me. Thanks so much. here's the kicker - you weren't even protecting me. you were protecting yourself. if you'd give half a thought to me, you would have said goodbye.
**my mind is too numb lately to write my own feelings, because I cannot form coherent sentences. everything is all jumbled up inside, so instead I find the quotes that say it better than I ever could. The only thing I have to say thatis all my own is this: it hurts. -A ♥
***
6/8/10:
It is one of life's tragedies when you meet someone that you know is meant to be, but due to unexpected circumstances and misunderstandings, becomes someone you knew. Or when you can walk right past someone that at one part of your life was a big part of your life, and how you used to be able to talk to them for hours about the little nothings in life, and now you can barely look at them, and all you have left is that aching feeling in your soul...
I decided that enough is enough. That since you obviously don't care about me anymore, I'm going to move on. Easier said than done, I suppose. Because at the end of the day, i'm staring out the window with these tears on my cheeks. Just look at what you've done to me. you almost convinced me you were gonna stick around, but everybody knows, almost doesnt count.
I fill my days with memories of him. I remember how he used to look at me, as if I was his most valuable treasure. Has he found a new treasure? I can't help but wonder if we will be able to find our way back to each other. The road seems so very long, and my head is crowded with such a dark thought. I feel our bond grows weaker by the day and I'm powerless to stop it.
I don't regret anything: not the three hour phone calls, the stolen kisses, the smiles and laughs, not even the way you broke my heart. That's how much I loved you
I love my name just because of how you said it. I loved the way you'd stare at me when you thought I wasn't looking. I loved the way you'd lean in close whenever I told you something, even though we both know you heard me. I loved the sweet things you said to me, even when I was screaming at you. I loved how you loved me and weren't afraid to show it. I loved how you made me want to be a better person than I ever thought I could be. But mostly, I loved you. All the good things, all the bad, all the mistakes, all the surprises, all the imperfections, all of it... just because they were yours.
***
6/7/10:
i guess the saying "opposites attract" holds true for me. i'm passionate,& he's apathetic. i'm full of expressive, expansive doses of laughter, he waits for something genuinely funny. i do my homework, he comes to class empty-handed. i babble on to anyone around me, & he speaks only to those he has something to say to. i get nervous, and distorted, and overly emotional when i feel something is out of my reach, & he'll unabashedly go after everything he wants, keeping a level head. i want everything, & he wants only a selective bit. i've never learned how to let go, he was never taught how to hold on. i anchor myself onto everyone i have ever connected with, & he depends solely upon himself. i'm a chaotic jumble of half-witted ideas, and unnecessary glitter, & he's nothing but common sense. i'm spastic, & he is calm. i'll get distracted at the drop of a whistle, & he'll follow things through until the bitter end. i am never caught without a smile, & he's never caught with an unnecessary one. i'm crazily in love with him, while he doesn't give a damn about me.
I don't know what to do, we never talk anymore. We can't even look at each other anymore. I remember how it used to be, but do you? I don't know what you're thinking anymore. I've been trying to figure you out. But that's not working out so well. I love you, and you know that. So let's get this over with, so we can get back to normal.
There is this one boy in my life. He means a whole lot to me. I will never be over him, and I will never, ever forget him. I don't know where the roads of life will take up, but when I look back, he will be one of the people I will see first. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me want to be a better person. I get jealous all the time - but he is no way mine, but I cant help it. I would do absolutely anything for him, and I think he knows that. And people tell me to move on, or forget about him, but I never will. All the time I pretend nothing is bothering me and that I don't need him.
I'm scared. Completely terrified actually. Scared of what will happen
if I see you again & scared of what will happen if I don't.
I remember accidental brushing of arms. I remember the "chemistry" that started it all. I remember sitting on benches, couches, chairs, your fingers intertwined in mine. I remember you saying you would never let me fall. I remember the I love you's. I remember the gift, the surprise, the delight. I remember the goodbye. The I miss you's, wish I could kiss you. I remember the sleepless nights. I remember the fights. I remember the talk. I remember the war. I remember the tears. I remember the numb, the unconscious, the vacancy. I remember the last goodbye, the last touch. I remember you. Do you even remember me?
"I don't fucking care!" She screamed at him with tears streaming down her face. She shook her head with all the thoughts in her head. Her voice was shaky and choked up, but she didn't care. Her words made the point. "You know, I feel sorry for you. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't have any regrets at all. You're the one who makes yourself detached." She had the look of anger and pain on her face as she continued. "If I'm pathetic to you because I care, because I'm not afraid to love and I'm not afraid to put all I have into something, fine. Call me fucking pathetic because I care too much. I'd rather do that, then do the shit you do to people." She spat, and her words were real and held such impact. And with that, she walked away.
I wish you knew how much this hurts. How every second of every day I'm holding my stomach & fighting back tears. Just for one day, I wish you could feel how I felt and maybe you'd change your mind.
***
6/6/10:
Maybe it’s true what they say. There’s always that one person who you never really get over. No matter how many other better people you meet, people who treat you better and love you better, in the back of your mind there is always that person you can’t quite completely forget.
It's not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future. It's about the ride. & you know what? When you least expect it, something great might come along. Something better than you ever planned for.
sometimes, i just miss that boy. the one who held my hand walking down the street, who's arms i laid in and never wanted to go away. the one who i talked to for hours and told pointless stories to. the one who knew everything about me and liked me anyway. the one who knew exactly what i was saying even if i didn't and helped me when i had no clue what to do. the one who showed me what love was and what it was like to need someone there. the one who could only make me cry and hurt me like no other guy could. those eyes that said everything, that sense of sarcasm that was always there; the way even he could stop from falling in love. that even though we fought constantly and couldn't stand each other, we couldn't leave each other's side. something is still there; something that never left me the day that boy broke my heart in two. something like your first love that wasn't ready to end. something that makes you stomach flip at the brush of a hand or arm. something that makes it so much harder to know that he's not yours anymore. something that makes you want to hide away and cry all those tears, because suddenly all of those memories come back and it almost hurts worse to know that it's all out of control. and you just miss everything about that boy that you don't think is ever coming back.
Because you're not mad. You want to be, but you just can't
And when you talk about him; your eyes still sparkle.
***
6/5/10:
I liked when my fingers were entangled in yours, and my head was on your chest, listening to your heartbeat. It made me feel safe, like at that moment, nothing bad could touch me. I wish I could stay in your arms forever.
What exactly is a broken heart? A broken heart is forcing yourself to hang up the phone after you have dialed the first three digits to his phone number. A broken heart is the cold, chattering feeling you receive when you hear his name. A broken heart is when you're crying yourself to sleep every night and yet crying more and more each morning. A broken heart is glancing at the pictures of the two of you, and then quickly turning your attention to something else to avoid your tears. A broken heart is screaming and begging for a second chance inside, but not being able to say it out loud. A broken heart is the emptiness and heart wrenching feeling you encounter when you see him with other girls. A broken heart is knowing that no matter what you do or say to yourself, you cant fool your heart into believing that you will in fact be "okay." A broken heart is listening to that one song that makes you break down, on repeat. A broken heart is when you go from smiling uncontrollably every time you saw him to quiet tears every time someone mentions his name. A broken heart is when you try to avoid him but end up going out of your way just to get a glimpse of him. A broken heart is when you know you've been hurt, but have no idea how to fix it. A broken heart is when you finally realize that he's everything you need and at the same time realize he's the one thing you can never have.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.
i want a guy who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me. hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. someone who would sing to me at random moments. who would let me sleep on their chest. a boy who would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me. i want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away. someone who would let me gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything i said. he would throw stuffed animals at me when i acted dumb and then kiss me a million times. someone who makes fun of me just to make me laugh. he would take me to the park and put his hand around my waist and give me bear hugs all the time. but mostly i want someone who would be my best friend and would never break my heart.
Love makes you do crazy things, insane things. Things in a million years you'd never see yourself do. But there you are doing them and you can't help it.
Don't you realize what you are to me, and what you're always going to be? You're the love of my life. Everyone else is going to be second best. There will never be another you.
nobody understands how much I miss you. I miss how much we used to talk and miss all the things we used to do. I try not to admit it to myself that I still feel this way. nobody knows that I still wake up thinking of you each day. I still think of you and I really do miss you. I would give up everything I have to be everything we’re not.
We've had a lot of time to tell each other how we feel. But we haven't even spoke. Months have gone by and a lot of nights I've cried, and I still haven't seen your face.
I guess I never let you go, because in the back of my mind I still believe that someday we'll get our second chance.
Can't you see it? She likes you, more than you could imagine. It's in her eyes, it's in her voice, it's in her smile. She's so different when you're around, so much happier. You're the one for her, but you don't see that, do you?
I'm not perfect . I'll annoy you , tick you off & say stupid things then take them back. But put all that aside ; you'll never find another girl who cares & loves you more then I do.
I know that I should just let go, walk away, and not look back. But, I don't think I could handle knowing that you wouldn't care if I did
If he misses you, he'll call. If he wants you, he'll say it. And if he cares, he'll show it. If not, he can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth his.
I want you to look back & miss me. Miss everything that we experienced, everything we’ve been through. I want to stand out in your mind. And although I told everyone that we would always be together, I know we won’t. But as long as I was the one that changed you, I know it will all be worth it. In the end, everything is perfect. I want you to look back and miss me. And one day, you will.
I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice. I'm mad for always apologizing for things I didn't do. I'm mad forgetting attached. I'm mad for depending on you and wasting my time on you. I'm mad for thinking about you, and most of all for not hating you when i should have.
It's not okay because he made me laugh. Because I didn't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am when I was with him. Because I don't believe that stuff about finding your other half, but because I do believe that what you look for is someone who makes you a better person when you're with them, who changes you for the better, who makes you the best person you can possibly be, and because I thought I had found that in him.
It's amazing how every girl has that one guy--that could call her up at 3 in the morning & say "lets hang out. I’m coming to get you." She'd put aside her show, her excitement, her anger or hate for him. She'd only give him four words: "Give me 10 minutes."
I'm not wishing terrible things on you. I hope you stay safe. And I hope that the people you are with care about you like I do. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be doing what you love. But I'd like you to never forget me. Maybe it's true what they say. There are those people you encounter in life who you never really get over. No matter how many other people you meet. People who treat you better and love you better in the back of your mind. There is always that person you can't quite completely forget.
***
5/25/10:
"contradictions."
Dear Allyson,
Don't worry, he'll miss you. You're the best he could get, and he blew it. Don't let him make you think for one second that this was your fault. It's not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. You gave him your heart, and you trusted him to keep it and protect it, but he couldn't. And honestly, he's not mature enough. He's not smart enough. If he was smart, he would have cared for you with every fiber of his being and been with you every spare second he could. But he didn't, and now he's gone. But don't you cry. Don't call him telling him you miss him. Don't IM him, don't message him, don't cmnt him, don't talk to him in the hallways.
Sincerely,
Your Brain.
People don't stay in your life forever. Maybe he came in, you loved him, you learned from him, and now there's nothing more for him to teach you. Maybe your time with him is done. Maybe it's really time to just let him go. If he has more to teach you, he'll end up coming back. When you feel like talking to him, look up a new word that describes him in an asshole-ish manner. Keep a list.
Chances are I'll never get a moment like this again, so here's everything I ever wanted to tell you. No one has ever gotten me like you; I've never found anyone who makes me laugh like you. You're the one person who I can honestly see myself happy with; the definition of love to me is you.
***
5/23/10:
So here's a piece of advice: let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before. For surely there is someone out there who will love you even more
After you, I feel so damn vulnerable. I feel fragile like a wilted flower. Just one touch and I'd break. I swore I'll never break but then you came along and changed everything, you changed me.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe we'll ever get back together, and then I realize that we'll never really be over, in a way it hasn't changed, but in some ways, it has, its not that we arent meant for each other, I think its just maybe we aren't ready for forever.
6/13/10:
Oh my gosh. So I was about to post a nice little quote-y update like I've been doing lately, when I made my daily trip to Datingish. I was reading through the most recent blogs, and on the Reader Spotlight blog where they repost some of the best comments from the week, they FEATURED my comment! It made my entire day, even though the story I was retelling still brings tears to my eyes. *sigh* but anyway, I'll link it here, just because I'm mondo excited about it. :)
^^PostSecret<3^^
And now, back to the Quotes :)
I don't care how far you are from me, or how long it's been since we talked. I don't care how mad I got at you, or how mad you've been at me, you're still what matters most to me and I'm never gonna give that up. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
ive never been able to get over you, youre the only guy that i have ever had these strong feelings for. Knowing that at one point; you felt them as well, makes me wish things had been different. But its never too late. So please, open your eyes; its supposed to be us.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in this whole getting over you process, it’s that your always going to mean something to me no matter what happens. Your always gonna be somewhere deep down inside me. Even when I’m happily married to the man of my dreams, if I were to run into you on the street and those gorgeous brown eyes were to meet mine, my heart would skip a beat because I’ll never forget you and the way you made me feel.
I hope that someday, you find an amazing girl. The kind of girl who means everything to you and makes you want to spend every moment of your time with her. The kind of girl who keeps you up at night, just thinking about her beautiful smile, and when you finally fall asleep, she`s all you dream about. I hope she`s the first thing to cross your mind when you wake up in the morning. I hope she changes you in a way you could never understand, yet you know it`s for the better. I hope she`s the kind of girl you would die for. The kind of girl who could make you cry, even though you`d never admit it. The kind of girl who makes you want to go out and do something special, something that means everything to the both of you. The kind of girl you can have silly fights with, then kiss and make up and hold her in your arms like you`re falling in love all over again. I hope you make memories with her her you never forget. I hope she`s your world, and what you have with her is nothing less than perfection. and I hope that one day, you lose her. I hope you mess up and as hard as you try to keep her there with you, she slips through the cracks of your broken heart. I hope it destroys you, because you realized you`ve lost the person you once called your everything. I hope you see every moment you spent together spin away down the drain like it was waiting to happen. I hope you stay up at night because she`s on your mind and when you fall asleep, she haunts your dreams. I hope her beautiful smile stays pressed in your mind like a scar that won’t fade away. I hope you realize that you`re a new person because of her, I hope your new self feels incomplete without her and you miss the old you. The one that was okay with being alone, because you’d rather be the heart breaker than the heartbroken.
I won’t fight to stay when all you want for me to do is leave. I’m not going to miss you when you don’t miss me. I’m not going to care when you don’t at all. I’m not going to try anymore. You’ve kept my hopes up for much too long. It’s time I start thinking about myself again and not you. It’s time I be strong. It’s time I let you go. It's about time I be happy. It’s about time I leave you alone.
***
6/9/10:
When you are a little girl you believe in fairy tales. You say you're going to find your prince charming and he will be all you want him to be. In the fairytale the bad guy is easy to spot. He wears a black cape. Then you grow up and figure out that prince charming isn't as easy to find. The bad guy isn't wearing a cape. He's really cute and makes you laugh.
you know what sucks? finding out everything you believe in is just a total lie, like fairy tales, soul mates, true love. it's all just one big mess leaving you with heartbreak.
i loved you. and here's a news flash; you protected me from nothing. i spent time missing you, wondering what the hell i did wrong to make you do that to me. i thought everything was my fault. and even when I got over that, i still knew what i'd lost: you. you were the one who made me laugh when i had a crappy day. you were the one I vented to when i was mad, the one i shared all the good stuff with. you always knew when i was full of crap, and you always called me on it. you were smart, you were funny, and you were good-looking. You were mine. and then suddenly, you weren't. i knew every day exactly what i'd lost, and i missed you every day, and i believed in you every day, and my heart broke every day. that's the big favor you did for me. Thanks so much. here's the kicker - you weren't even protecting me. you were protecting yourself. if you'd give half a thought to me, you would have said goodbye.
**my mind is too numb lately to write my own feelings, because I cannot form coherent sentences. everything is all jumbled up inside, so instead I find the quotes that say it better than I ever could. The only thing I have to say thatis all my own is this: it hurts. -A ♥
***
6/8/10:
It is one of life's tragedies when you meet someone that you know is meant to be, but due to unexpected circumstances and misunderstandings, becomes someone you knew. Or when you can walk right past someone that at one part of your life was a big part of your life, and how you used to be able to talk to them for hours about the little nothings in life, and now you can barely look at them, and all you have left is that aching feeling in your soul...
I decided that enough is enough. That since you obviously don't care about me anymore, I'm going to move on. Easier said than done, I suppose. Because at the end of the day, i'm staring out the window with these tears on my cheeks. Just look at what you've done to me. you almost convinced me you were gonna stick around, but everybody knows, almost doesnt count.
I fill my days with memories of him. I remember how he used to look at me, as if I was his most valuable treasure. Has he found a new treasure? I can't help but wonder if we will be able to find our way back to each other. The road seems so very long, and my head is crowded with such a dark thought. I feel our bond grows weaker by the day and I'm powerless to stop it.
I don't regret anything: not the three hour phone calls, the stolen kisses, the smiles and laughs, not even the way you broke my heart. That's how much I loved you
I love my name just because of how you said it. I loved the way you'd stare at me when you thought I wasn't looking. I loved the way you'd lean in close whenever I told you something, even though we both know you heard me. I loved the sweet things you said to me, even when I was screaming at you. I loved how you loved me and weren't afraid to show it. I loved how you made me want to be a better person than I ever thought I could be. But mostly, I loved you. All the good things, all the bad, all the mistakes, all the surprises, all the imperfections, all of it... just because they were yours.
***
6/7/10:
i guess the saying "opposites attract" holds true for me. i'm passionate,& he's apathetic. i'm full of expressive, expansive doses of laughter, he waits for something genuinely funny. i do my homework, he comes to class empty-handed. i babble on to anyone around me, & he speaks only to those he has something to say to. i get nervous, and distorted, and overly emotional when i feel something is out of my reach, & he'll unabashedly go after everything he wants, keeping a level head. i want everything, & he wants only a selective bit. i've never learned how to let go, he was never taught how to hold on. i anchor myself onto everyone i have ever connected with, & he depends solely upon himself. i'm a chaotic jumble of half-witted ideas, and unnecessary glitter, & he's nothing but common sense. i'm spastic, & he is calm. i'll get distracted at the drop of a whistle, & he'll follow things through until the bitter end. i am never caught without a smile, & he's never caught with an unnecessary one. i'm crazily in love with him, while he doesn't give a damn about me.
I don't know what to do, we never talk anymore. We can't even look at each other anymore. I remember how it used to be, but do you? I don't know what you're thinking anymore. I've been trying to figure you out. But that's not working out so well. I love you, and you know that. So let's get this over with, so we can get back to normal.
There is this one boy in my life. He means a whole lot to me. I will never be over him, and I will never, ever forget him. I don't know where the roads of life will take up, but when I look back, he will be one of the people I will see first. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me want to be a better person. I get jealous all the time - but he is no way mine, but I cant help it. I would do absolutely anything for him, and I think he knows that. And people tell me to move on, or forget about him, but I never will. All the time I pretend nothing is bothering me and that I don't need him.
I'm scared. Completely terrified actually. Scared of what will happen
if I see you again & scared of what will happen if I don't.
I remember accidental brushing of arms. I remember the "chemistry" that started it all. I remember sitting on benches, couches, chairs, your fingers intertwined in mine. I remember you saying you would never let me fall. I remember the I love you's. I remember the gift, the surprise, the delight. I remember the goodbye. The I miss you's, wish I could kiss you. I remember the sleepless nights. I remember the fights. I remember the talk. I remember the war. I remember the tears. I remember the numb, the unconscious, the vacancy. I remember the last goodbye, the last touch. I remember you. Do you even remember me?
"I don't fucking care!" She screamed at him with tears streaming down her face. She shook her head with all the thoughts in her head. Her voice was shaky and choked up, but she didn't care. Her words made the point. "You know, I feel sorry for you. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't have any regrets at all. You're the one who makes yourself detached." She had the look of anger and pain on her face as she continued. "If I'm pathetic to you because I care, because I'm not afraid to love and I'm not afraid to put all I have into something, fine. Call me fucking pathetic because I care too much. I'd rather do that, then do the shit you do to people." She spat, and her words were real and held such impact. And with that, she walked away.
I wish you knew how much this hurts. How every second of every day I'm holding my stomach & fighting back tears. Just for one day, I wish you could feel how I felt and maybe you'd change your mind.
***
6/6/10:
Maybe it’s true what they say. There’s always that one person who you never really get over. No matter how many other better people you meet, people who treat you better and love you better, in the back of your mind there is always that person you can’t quite completely forget.
It's not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future. It's about the ride. & you know what? When you least expect it, something great might come along. Something better than you ever planned for.
sometimes, i just miss that boy. the one who held my hand walking down the street, who's arms i laid in and never wanted to go away. the one who i talked to for hours and told pointless stories to. the one who knew everything about me and liked me anyway. the one who knew exactly what i was saying even if i didn't and helped me when i had no clue what to do. the one who showed me what love was and what it was like to need someone there. the one who could only make me cry and hurt me like no other guy could. those eyes that said everything, that sense of sarcasm that was always there; the way even he could stop from falling in love. that even though we fought constantly and couldn't stand each other, we couldn't leave each other's side. something is still there; something that never left me the day that boy broke my heart in two. something like your first love that wasn't ready to end. something that makes you stomach flip at the brush of a hand or arm. something that makes it so much harder to know that he's not yours anymore. something that makes you want to hide away and cry all those tears, because suddenly all of those memories come back and it almost hurts worse to know that it's all out of control. and you just miss everything about that boy that you don't think is ever coming back.
Because you're not mad. You want to be, but you just can't
And when you talk about him; your eyes still sparkle.
***
6/5/10:
I liked when my fingers were entangled in yours, and my head was on your chest, listening to your heartbeat. It made me feel safe, like at that moment, nothing bad could touch me. I wish I could stay in your arms forever.
What exactly is a broken heart? A broken heart is forcing yourself to hang up the phone after you have dialed the first three digits to his phone number. A broken heart is the cold, chattering feeling you receive when you hear his name. A broken heart is when you're crying yourself to sleep every night and yet crying more and more each morning. A broken heart is glancing at the pictures of the two of you, and then quickly turning your attention to something else to avoid your tears. A broken heart is screaming and begging for a second chance inside, but not being able to say it out loud. A broken heart is the emptiness and heart wrenching feeling you encounter when you see him with other girls. A broken heart is knowing that no matter what you do or say to yourself, you cant fool your heart into believing that you will in fact be "okay." A broken heart is listening to that one song that makes you break down, on repeat. A broken heart is when you go from smiling uncontrollably every time you saw him to quiet tears every time someone mentions his name. A broken heart is when you try to avoid him but end up going out of your way just to get a glimpse of him. A broken heart is when you know you've been hurt, but have no idea how to fix it. A broken heart is when you finally realize that he's everything you need and at the same time realize he's the one thing you can never have.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.
i want a guy who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me. hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. someone who would sing to me at random moments. who would let me sleep on their chest. a boy who would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me. i want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away. someone who would let me gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything i said. he would throw stuffed animals at me when i acted dumb and then kiss me a million times. someone who makes fun of me just to make me laugh. he would take me to the park and put his hand around my waist and give me bear hugs all the time. but mostly i want someone who would be my best friend and would never break my heart.
Love makes you do crazy things, insane things. Things in a million years you'd never see yourself do. But there you are doing them and you can't help it.
Don't you realize what you are to me, and what you're always going to be? You're the love of my life. Everyone else is going to be second best. There will never be another you.
nobody understands how much I miss you. I miss how much we used to talk and miss all the things we used to do. I try not to admit it to myself that I still feel this way. nobody knows that I still wake up thinking of you each day. I still think of you and I really do miss you. I would give up everything I have to be everything we’re not.
We've had a lot of time to tell each other how we feel. But we haven't even spoke. Months have gone by and a lot of nights I've cried, and I still haven't seen your face.
I guess I never let you go, because in the back of my mind I still believe that someday we'll get our second chance.
Can't you see it? She likes you, more than you could imagine. It's in her eyes, it's in her voice, it's in her smile. She's so different when you're around, so much happier. You're the one for her, but you don't see that, do you?
I'm not perfect . I'll annoy you , tick you off & say stupid things then take them back. But put all that aside ; you'll never find another girl who cares & loves you more then I do.
I know that I should just let go, walk away, and not look back. But, I don't think I could handle knowing that you wouldn't care if I did
If he misses you, he'll call. If he wants you, he'll say it. And if he cares, he'll show it. If not, he can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth his.
I want you to look back & miss me. Miss everything that we experienced, everything we’ve been through. I want to stand out in your mind. And although I told everyone that we would always be together, I know we won’t. But as long as I was the one that changed you, I know it will all be worth it. In the end, everything is perfect. I want you to look back and miss me. And one day, you will.
I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice. I'm mad for always apologizing for things I didn't do. I'm mad forgetting attached. I'm mad for depending on you and wasting my time on you. I'm mad for thinking about you, and most of all for not hating you when i should have.
It's not okay because he made me laugh. Because I didn't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am when I was with him. Because I don't believe that stuff about finding your other half, but because I do believe that what you look for is someone who makes you a better person when you're with them, who changes you for the better, who makes you the best person you can possibly be, and because I thought I had found that in him.
It's amazing how every girl has that one guy--that could call her up at 3 in the morning & say "lets hang out. I’m coming to get you." She'd put aside her show, her excitement, her anger or hate for him. She'd only give him four words: "Give me 10 minutes."
I'm not wishing terrible things on you. I hope you stay safe. And I hope that the people you are with care about you like I do. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be doing what you love. But I'd like you to never forget me. Maybe it's true what they say. There are those people you encounter in life who you never really get over. No matter how many other people you meet. People who treat you better and love you better in the back of your mind. There is always that person you can't quite completely forget.
***
5/25/10:
"contradictions."
Dear Allyson,
Don't worry, he'll miss you. You're the best he could get, and he blew it. Don't let him make you think for one second that this was your fault. It's not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. You gave him your heart, and you trusted him to keep it and protect it, but he couldn't. And honestly, he's not mature enough. He's not smart enough. If he was smart, he would have cared for you with every fiber of his being and been with you every spare second he could. But he didn't, and now he's gone. But don't you cry. Don't call him telling him you miss him. Don't IM him, don't message him, don't cmnt him, don't talk to him in the hallways.
Sincerely,
Your Brain.
People don't stay in your life forever. Maybe he came in, you loved him, you learned from him, and now there's nothing more for him to teach you. Maybe your time with him is done. Maybe it's really time to just let him go. If he has more to teach you, he'll end up coming back. When you feel like talking to him, look up a new word that describes him in an asshole-ish manner. Keep a list.
Chances are I'll never get a moment like this again, so here's everything I ever wanted to tell you. No one has ever gotten me like you; I've never found anyone who makes me laugh like you. You're the one person who I can honestly see myself happy with; the definition of love to me is you.
***
5/23/10:
So here's a piece of advice: let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before. For surely there is someone out there who will love you even more
After you, I feel so damn vulnerable. I feel fragile like a wilted flower. Just one touch and I'd break. I swore I'll never break but then you came along and changed everything, you changed me.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe we'll ever get back together, and then I realize that we'll never really be over, in a way it hasn't changed, but in some ways, it has, its not that we arent meant for each other, I think its just maybe we aren't ready for forever.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Three Months Gone.
I lie in silence as darkness covers the trees, the ground, the sky. I stare up at the sky, silently pointing out the constellations I can find; asterisms like the Big Dipper, or Orion's Belt. The sky is beautiful this time of year--especially tonight. Tonight is one of those nights; the nights where I am missing you the most. This is the kind of night I imagined spending with you, curled up together beneath a blanket, lost in the stars, and each others' arms. But instead I lie alone, the itch of grass beneath my knees.
I try and remember the last time I felt truly at peace. I quickly come to the realization that it's been three months. Three months since I've felt happy. Three months since I've felt inspired. Three months since I've felt motivated. Three months since I've felt alive. Because you, you made me feel alive for the first time in my life. And now? Now I don't feel anything at all. Most days I do alright. I drag myself out of bed, trying to find the will to press on through the day. 'One day at a time,' I keep telling myself, hoping that the days will string into weeks, the weeks to months, and the months will lead to something resembling okay. And so I carry on, and survive the day with little more than the will to live. But I make it believable. As far as everyone else is concerned, I am more than fine. Sure, I can pretend in the daylight. But late at night, when the world is still, and there is no audience to be found, it is your face that fills my thoughts just as I fall asleep. It is your memory that follows me everywhere I go.
Lying in the darkness, I come to the conclusion that it is the steady sound of your heartbeat I miss the most. Or maybe the warmth of your arms, or the tickle of your breath against my ear. Maybe it's the sleepy sound of your voice as you whisper "goodnight babe" as we're both drifting off to sleep, or the feel of your lips against my forehead in the early morning hours, when you thought I was still sleeping. Or could it be the sound of your laughter ringing in my ears, or the sight of your smile when we were seeing each other for the first time in awhile? Maybe I miss the smell of your shirt against my skin, or the feel of your kisses, each one with just as many fireworks as the first time.
It is now that I take notice of the steady stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, and I realize that I miss everything. Every sight, every sound, every sensation of you. I miss the good things, and the things that drove me crazy, and every little thing I took for granted. I miss you; the very essence of you. And with every day that passes, I only miss you more.
I blink away the tears that remain, and look again to the sky, searching for an answer to the question that haunts me every day. Why? Why couldn't we have lasted forever? I pray to God, begging for a response, for an end to the misery of living without you. But the seconds pass, and there is no answer, and there is no end. And yet, I still wait. I still wait for your return. I still wait for "I love you," "I miss you." "I'm sorry" "I was wrong." But that never comes either. And somewhere deep inside, I know it never will. What you and I had was so perfect, so precious, and so rare. And we've lost it forever. It will never be replicated, no matter how hard either of us will try.
But know this: you were my fairy-tale; my knight in shining armor, my Prince Charming, and my hero. You gave me life, you gave me love, and you meant more to me than anyone I've ever loved, and anyone I could ever love again. I will never be the same as I was before I met you. You were home to me, and now, wherever you lie, there my heart lies also.
I try and remember the last time I felt truly at peace. I quickly come to the realization that it's been three months. Three months since I've felt happy. Three months since I've felt inspired. Three months since I've felt motivated. Three months since I've felt alive. Because you, you made me feel alive for the first time in my life. And now? Now I don't feel anything at all. Most days I do alright. I drag myself out of bed, trying to find the will to press on through the day. 'One day at a time,' I keep telling myself, hoping that the days will string into weeks, the weeks to months, and the months will lead to something resembling okay. And so I carry on, and survive the day with little more than the will to live. But I make it believable. As far as everyone else is concerned, I am more than fine. Sure, I can pretend in the daylight. But late at night, when the world is still, and there is no audience to be found, it is your face that fills my thoughts just as I fall asleep. It is your memory that follows me everywhere I go.
Lying in the darkness, I come to the conclusion that it is the steady sound of your heartbeat I miss the most. Or maybe the warmth of your arms, or the tickle of your breath against my ear. Maybe it's the sleepy sound of your voice as you whisper "goodnight babe" as we're both drifting off to sleep, or the feel of your lips against my forehead in the early morning hours, when you thought I was still sleeping. Or could it be the sound of your laughter ringing in my ears, or the sight of your smile when we were seeing each other for the first time in awhile? Maybe I miss the smell of your shirt against my skin, or the feel of your kisses, each one with just as many fireworks as the first time.
It is now that I take notice of the steady stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, and I realize that I miss everything. Every sight, every sound, every sensation of you. I miss the good things, and the things that drove me crazy, and every little thing I took for granted. I miss you; the very essence of you. And with every day that passes, I only miss you more.
I blink away the tears that remain, and look again to the sky, searching for an answer to the question that haunts me every day. Why? Why couldn't we have lasted forever? I pray to God, begging for a response, for an end to the misery of living without you. But the seconds pass, and there is no answer, and there is no end. And yet, I still wait. I still wait for your return. I still wait for "I love you," "I miss you." "I'm sorry" "I was wrong." But that never comes either. And somewhere deep inside, I know it never will. What you and I had was so perfect, so precious, and so rare. And we've lost it forever. It will never be replicated, no matter how hard either of us will try.
But know this: you were my fairy-tale; my knight in shining armor, my Prince Charming, and my hero. You gave me life, you gave me love, and you meant more to me than anyone I've ever loved, and anyone I could ever love again. I will never be the same as I was before I met you. You were home to me, and now, wherever you lie, there my heart lies also.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
It Was All we'd Ever Need.
It's been a long week. erm...a long week and two days. I have been on an emotional roller coaster this whole time. It's very difficult to look into the eyes of someone who you are in love with, and know that whatever feelings they felt for you have vanished. You don't understand it? Yeah, well neither do I.
I've been fighting with myself this whole time. Part of me is convincing the rest of me that this is the right thing. That this is obviously what he wants and obviously what he needs, and that he was trying to protect us both. Part of me wants to be friends and have that be okay and be enough. But there is that part of me that is screaming "What about what I want? What about what I need?" I stand there, and I look at him, and I'm biting through my tongue, biting my lip until it bleeds, holding back everything I'm dying to scream. I just want to reach out, grab him by the shoulders, and shake him as hard as I can until I get through to him; until I can make him see. We sit, side by side, shoulders touching, close enough that I can hear him breathing and smell his Ed Hardy/BOD/random good-smelling cologne, and I just want to reach out and grab his hand and hold on as tight as I can. But it's like this...wall. This invisible wall separating his hand from mine. I get so far and then something pushes back. So I pull my hand back and grasp my other hand as tight as I can. I twist my replacement ring around my middle finger and stare at my hand. The hand that should be laced in his. The hand that should be wearing his ring. And again, I bite my lip and fight the tears that are begging to fall. I sit in my room, pounding at my keyboard, singing at the top of my lungs, as if I'm willing the reverberations in my dorm room to carry away all the pain that I have bottled up inside me. It's all trapped there, and it's killing me. It's killing me to smile and laugh and see him every day and act like nothing is wrong. It's killing me to see you act like that...it's killing me to know you aren't acting. Part of me wants to push you away. Part of me wants to delete you, erase you, sit as far from you as I can. But I can't bear to. I can't bear to be away from you. I can't bear to not have you to talk to, to make me laugh. I can't bear to not be able to look into those eyes. But I can't bear to not kiss you goodbye. I can't bear to not say "I love you." I can't bear to not wake up beside you in the morning. Id rather just not wake up at all. Every ounce of me is just screaming "Fight for him. Damnit, fight for him. You know he's the best you've ever had; the best you've ever known. You know no one will ever love you the way he did." And I so badly want to listen to that part of me. I want to badly to run up to you, grab you and kiss you until you feel it too. I so badly want to just hold you; just hug you around the waist and listen to your heartbeat and know that in that moment, everything is okay. Because right now, nothing is okay. Nothing feels right. I feel like I'm just observing my own life. I don't feel anything. I don't experience anything. I'm just numb to everything. Everything but you. You make me feel. Yeah, right now I feel...awful. But when it's good, you make me feel everything amazing all at once. You make me feel alive. I'm not living anymore. I'm surviving. I was stupid to fall so hard. I was stupid to give you so much. I was stupid to completely open my heart and let you do with it what you wanted. But I did and it's done and now you have all of me. Every last, stinking piece of me. You have my heart and my soul and my love and my mind too. 'Cause you're always on it. I see you everywhere. I hear your name everywhere I go. Everywhere I look there is someone or something that reminds me of you, a memory, a joke, a song, everywhere. I can't even close my eyes without your face staring back at me. I can't escape it. I sit and I cry for hours, alone in my room in the dark. I cry until I make myself sick. I don't eat. Or I eat too much and make myself sick again. I don't fall asleep for hours because I'm thinking of you, or I sleep for hours and hours because at least in my dreams I have you. I've lost all motivation for everything. I don't care to go to classes, or do the work, or pay attention. I don't even feel like singing anymore. Unless I'm pounding away at a piano. Rehearsals bore and annoy me. People bore and annoy me. I have no patience, no tolerance and no desire to deal with anyone. Sometimes, I don't even want to talk to my own best friends because I'm just...miserable. I'm miserable. I have never in my life felt this way before. I don't even remember feeling this way during the worst years of my life. And I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that a boy made me feel like this. I'm ashamed that a boy has made me lose myself in loneliness and depression. I'm ashamed that I gave a boy this much power over me. I want to get better. I want to be better. I want to know that I am going to be okay without him. But I don't. I don't know anything except that this is a mistake; that we weren't supposed to end like this; that this was supposed to last; and that I love you, with everything I have. Which right now isn't much of anything. To be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared of how I'm feeling. I'm scared of who I am now. But I was scared before too. I was scared of loving you. Turns out, I guess I should have been. I just want to go. I want to leave. I want to get out of this place and away from these people and be someone else. Anyone else. I want to be anyone but the girl who always ends up alone. I want to be the girl that everyone wants to be with. I want to be the happy, fun-loving, amazing personality, beautiful, charming, and adored girl that I felt like when I was with you. I want to feel like that again. Id give anything to get that feeling back. I've never thought much of myself. But you showed me that I was more than the girl I saw in the mirror everyday. And I want to see that girl again. I want everyone to see that girl. I want to be that girl. But I'm not. I never really was. I couldn't have been, because if I was, you would still want me. You would still be with me. You wouldn't have left. No, instead I'm the girl that everyone gets sick of. I'm the girl that asks too much, and wants too much, and is too clingy and too needy and too loving. I'm the girl that gives everything she has because she feels like it's right, and then ends up with shit because it never stays right for long. I'm the girl that makes wishes on stars and 11:11 and prays for miracles because she's tired of falling asleep alone at night and waking up alone in the morning. I miss waking up beside you. I miss everything about you. I miss loving you. I miss you loving me. I miss you so much. I just want what everyone else has. I just want a happy, long-lasting, loving relationship with someone I adore and who adores me back. But I'm never going to find that, am I? I'm never going to be that girl. I can only have a good thing for so long. I'm not allowed to keep it forever. You have to have a few rainy days to appreciate the sunny ones? Well do all my rainy days have to outweigh the sunny ones? Why can't I, for once in my life, have a lifetime of sunny days and only a few rainy ones? Why does the rain cloud follow me everywhere, but everywhere else I look, everyone else has the sun? Why can't I have the sun too? Why aren't I good enough? Why did I have to be the way I am? Why couldn't God have let me be like the rest of my friends? Pretty and smart and funny and attractive and happy? Why am I not allowed to be happy? Why aren't I allowed to be loved? It's not fair. And I know you'll tell me "life isn't fair." Yeah, well, life seems pretty fair for everyone else. I think I just got the short end of the stick. I know I'm lucky. I know I have so much in my life to be thankful for. I know I have a wonderful family, and wonderful friends, and I was blessed with music, which I am so thankful for because I wouldn't have survived this long without it. But right now, it's so hard to see all the things I've got through all the tears I can't stop crying. I just want to be loved. I just want to be happy. I just want to be that girl again.
I just want you.
I. Just. Want. You.
Boy, it's been all this time & I can't get you off my mind & nobody knows it but me.
I stare at your photograph; still sleep in the shirt you left & nobody knows it but me.
Everyday I wipe my tears away.
So many nights I've prayed for you to say: "I should've been chasing you. I should've been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me."
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me.
Maybe I could've made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need.
My friends think I'm moving on, but the truth is I'm not that strong & nobody knows it but me.
I've kept all the words you said in a box underneath my bed & nobody knows it but me.
If you're happy I'll get through somehow, but the truth is that I've been screaming out: "I should've been chasing you. I should've been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me."
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me.
Maybe I could've made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need.
Yeah, what we had...it was all we'd ever need.
I've been fighting with myself this whole time. Part of me is convincing the rest of me that this is the right thing. That this is obviously what he wants and obviously what he needs, and that he was trying to protect us both. Part of me wants to be friends and have that be okay and be enough. But there is that part of me that is screaming "What about what I want? What about what I need?" I stand there, and I look at him, and I'm biting through my tongue, biting my lip until it bleeds, holding back everything I'm dying to scream. I just want to reach out, grab him by the shoulders, and shake him as hard as I can until I get through to him; until I can make him see. We sit, side by side, shoulders touching, close enough that I can hear him breathing and smell his Ed Hardy/BOD/random good-smelling cologne, and I just want to reach out and grab his hand and hold on as tight as I can. But it's like this...wall. This invisible wall separating his hand from mine. I get so far and then something pushes back. So I pull my hand back and grasp my other hand as tight as I can. I twist my replacement ring around my middle finger and stare at my hand. The hand that should be laced in his. The hand that should be wearing his ring. And again, I bite my lip and fight the tears that are begging to fall. I sit in my room, pounding at my keyboard, singing at the top of my lungs, as if I'm willing the reverberations in my dorm room to carry away all the pain that I have bottled up inside me. It's all trapped there, and it's killing me. It's killing me to smile and laugh and see him every day and act like nothing is wrong. It's killing me to see you act like that...it's killing me to know you aren't acting. Part of me wants to push you away. Part of me wants to delete you, erase you, sit as far from you as I can. But I can't bear to. I can't bear to be away from you. I can't bear to not have you to talk to, to make me laugh. I can't bear to not be able to look into those eyes. But I can't bear to not kiss you goodbye. I can't bear to not say "I love you." I can't bear to not wake up beside you in the morning. Id rather just not wake up at all. Every ounce of me is just screaming "Fight for him. Damnit, fight for him. You know he's the best you've ever had; the best you've ever known. You know no one will ever love you the way he did." And I so badly want to listen to that part of me. I want to badly to run up to you, grab you and kiss you until you feel it too. I so badly want to just hold you; just hug you around the waist and listen to your heartbeat and know that in that moment, everything is okay. Because right now, nothing is okay. Nothing feels right. I feel like I'm just observing my own life. I don't feel anything. I don't experience anything. I'm just numb to everything. Everything but you. You make me feel. Yeah, right now I feel...awful. But when it's good, you make me feel everything amazing all at once. You make me feel alive. I'm not living anymore. I'm surviving. I was stupid to fall so hard. I was stupid to give you so much. I was stupid to completely open my heart and let you do with it what you wanted. But I did and it's done and now you have all of me. Every last, stinking piece of me. You have my heart and my soul and my love and my mind too. 'Cause you're always on it. I see you everywhere. I hear your name everywhere I go. Everywhere I look there is someone or something that reminds me of you, a memory, a joke, a song, everywhere. I can't even close my eyes without your face staring back at me. I can't escape it. I sit and I cry for hours, alone in my room in the dark. I cry until I make myself sick. I don't eat. Or I eat too much and make myself sick again. I don't fall asleep for hours because I'm thinking of you, or I sleep for hours and hours because at least in my dreams I have you. I've lost all motivation for everything. I don't care to go to classes, or do the work, or pay attention. I don't even feel like singing anymore. Unless I'm pounding away at a piano. Rehearsals bore and annoy me. People bore and annoy me. I have no patience, no tolerance and no desire to deal with anyone. Sometimes, I don't even want to talk to my own best friends because I'm just...miserable. I'm miserable. I have never in my life felt this way before. I don't even remember feeling this way during the worst years of my life. And I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that a boy made me feel like this. I'm ashamed that a boy has made me lose myself in loneliness and depression. I'm ashamed that I gave a boy this much power over me. I want to get better. I want to be better. I want to know that I am going to be okay without him. But I don't. I don't know anything except that this is a mistake; that we weren't supposed to end like this; that this was supposed to last; and that I love you, with everything I have. Which right now isn't much of anything. To be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared of how I'm feeling. I'm scared of who I am now. But I was scared before too. I was scared of loving you. Turns out, I guess I should have been. I just want to go. I want to leave. I want to get out of this place and away from these people and be someone else. Anyone else. I want to be anyone but the girl who always ends up alone. I want to be the girl that everyone wants to be with. I want to be the happy, fun-loving, amazing personality, beautiful, charming, and adored girl that I felt like when I was with you. I want to feel like that again. Id give anything to get that feeling back. I've never thought much of myself. But you showed me that I was more than the girl I saw in the mirror everyday. And I want to see that girl again. I want everyone to see that girl. I want to be that girl. But I'm not. I never really was. I couldn't have been, because if I was, you would still want me. You would still be with me. You wouldn't have left. No, instead I'm the girl that everyone gets sick of. I'm the girl that asks too much, and wants too much, and is too clingy and too needy and too loving. I'm the girl that gives everything she has because she feels like it's right, and then ends up with shit because it never stays right for long. I'm the girl that makes wishes on stars and 11:11 and prays for miracles because she's tired of falling asleep alone at night and waking up alone in the morning. I miss waking up beside you. I miss everything about you. I miss loving you. I miss you loving me. I miss you so much. I just want what everyone else has. I just want a happy, long-lasting, loving relationship with someone I adore and who adores me back. But I'm never going to find that, am I? I'm never going to be that girl. I can only have a good thing for so long. I'm not allowed to keep it forever. You have to have a few rainy days to appreciate the sunny ones? Well do all my rainy days have to outweigh the sunny ones? Why can't I, for once in my life, have a lifetime of sunny days and only a few rainy ones? Why does the rain cloud follow me everywhere, but everywhere else I look, everyone else has the sun? Why can't I have the sun too? Why aren't I good enough? Why did I have to be the way I am? Why couldn't God have let me be like the rest of my friends? Pretty and smart and funny and attractive and happy? Why am I not allowed to be happy? Why aren't I allowed to be loved? It's not fair. And I know you'll tell me "life isn't fair." Yeah, well, life seems pretty fair for everyone else. I think I just got the short end of the stick. I know I'm lucky. I know I have so much in my life to be thankful for. I know I have a wonderful family, and wonderful friends, and I was blessed with music, which I am so thankful for because I wouldn't have survived this long without it. But right now, it's so hard to see all the things I've got through all the tears I can't stop crying. I just want to be loved. I just want to be happy. I just want to be that girl again.
I just want you.
I. Just. Want. You.
Boy, it's been all this time & I can't get you off my mind & nobody knows it but me.
I stare at your photograph; still sleep in the shirt you left & nobody knows it but me.
Everyday I wipe my tears away.
So many nights I've prayed for you to say: "I should've been chasing you. I should've been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me."
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me.
Maybe I could've made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need.
My friends think I'm moving on, but the truth is I'm not that strong & nobody knows it but me.
I've kept all the words you said in a box underneath my bed & nobody knows it but me.
If you're happy I'll get through somehow, but the truth is that I've been screaming out: "I should've been chasing you. I should've been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me."
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me.
Maybe I could've made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need.
Yeah, what we had...it was all we'd ever need.
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