Monday, June 14, 2010

complicated musings.

today has been a very uncomfortable day. I fell asleep about 2:30 this morning only to wake up at almost 5 unable to open my mouth--again. This has been happening on and off for a few months now, but in recent weeks, it's been happening almost every other day. My jaw always clicks and pops when I open and close it, and this displacement in my jaw is one of the most uncomfortable things I've eevr had to deal with. :(

After I finally managed to go back to sleep, I slept until almost 2. I settled in at 5 to watch my beloved Gilmore Girls, and ZMM decided that he needed to comment on my Facebook status in order to talk to Cup -- my best friend who wants nothing to do with him. I told him to get it through his head that she isn't his friend and she wants nothing to do with him, and not to use MY Facebook page to try and talk to her. So what does he do? He tells me to fuck off because no one cares what I think. HELLO? It's MY facebook page you moron. So I told him that its not as if I've never heard that before, and I should be the one telling him to fuck off so to crawl back to the hole he came from and leave me AND my friends alone. So the immature baby deleted me from Facebook. BIIIIIG mistake. If you have learned anything from the whole JEK debacle, it's NOT to delete me off of Facebook. So...I texted him. :)

"Wow, for being 25 and apparently ready to settle down, you're freaking immature. You're just like JEK, except I don't give two shits about you deleting me, because you never meant enough for me to be hurt by anything stupid you do. Have fun with all the ugly whores you hook up with because i'm so much better than that. Good riddance."

and the only comeback he had was

"Piss off ur immature not me bitch dont txt me again."

are you kidding? haaaa. I will gladly never speak to your ugly, crooked teeth, stanky breath face again. You're a loser who doesn't even deserve the ground I walk on.

My only regret is the fact that I took things as far with him as I did. I was just so desperate and eager to move on from JEK, that I forced myself to like this guy I barely knew, on the basis that he liked country music, and I let it go too far. I wish I could take everything back, but I know that I can't. It's too late. So I need to forgive myself, and move on from this, so that I won't end up hating myself for the rest of my life.

I'm tired of this mess I keep getting myself into. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. I wish it were possible for me to just be happy with myself, but I have never been able to feel that way. The only time I have ever felt worth loving is when someone was loving me. JRB, then JEK, & even in a few moments I spent with ZMM. But they all left, got bored with me, decided I wasn't worth it, proved me right. So now I have no choice but to wait. To wait for the one who IS worth my heart, worth my time, worthy of me. To be completely honest with you, and with myself, I still believe with all my heart that JEK is worth it. Somewhere, deep inside the cold exterior and the angry words, is the heart that loved me, and the man I fell in love with the day we met. He's still there, and I keep hoping that he will find that man again, and straighten out his mind and his heart, and he'll find me again. But today, in this moment, I know that ship has sailed, and I have no choice but to watch it disappear into the sunset and keep waiting for a new ship to come into the harbor; a ship with the right one onboard. I just hope that the right one wasn't really the one on that ship that sailed away.

I've been trying so hard, you know? To move past all this stuff with JEK and just focus on the future -- my future at Fredonia, my future career, a future family. Usually, I do alright and I'm just fine, but it's nights that hurt the most. No distractions, no preoccupied TJMaxx customers to help, no good television to watch, no one to talk to -- at night, I lay in bed, and just...miss him. & I can't help but wonder if maybe, some nights, just maybe he miss miss me too.

Ugh -- I just want to get away. But at least I'm rid of stank breath ZMM; for good.

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