Wednesday, June 16, 2010

break through.

It amazes me. How you can take three steps forward, and then a million more back out. I was doing alright. But of course, you know it can't stay that way for long.
I stayed friends with JEK's best friend on Facebook. & today I liked one of his statuses. Little did I know that JEK would decide to comment on it. It had nothing to do with me. He wasn't talking to me, about me or acknowledging me at all. But it didn't matter. That little red notification at the top of the page with his name on it -- it was like a lightning bolt right through my heart. & now, I'm sitting here...and I just miss him. I can't help it. I'm fighting the temptation to pull out his box and curl up with Spot in his old Led Zep t-shirt. I'm fighting the voice inside telling me to pick up the phone and dial his number. Trust me, I've gotten as far as the sixth digit before I snapped it shut and threw it across the room.
I can't do this. Why couldn't a good thing ever last? We were perfect for each other, and he threw it away. We could have fixed things. I could have backed off and given him space. I could have done a million things differently. I just miss him. His arms were home to me. Now I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of trying to forget. I'm tired of trying to be angry, or to hate him, or to just not care. I just want my heart back. I just want him back.

Why is it so hard? It was so long ago. I don't know where to start or what to say to you. I've been all alone needing you by my side. But it's not too late; maybe we just needed time. Can we try to let it go? If we don't than we'll never know. I try to break through but you know that it's up to you...& I know that our love can grow, but this damn river needs to flow. I will try to break through but you know that it's up to you.

Currently Listening:
By Colbie Caillat
Break Through

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