Monday, May 31, 2010

Three Months Gone.

I lie in silence as darkness covers the trees, the ground, the sky. I stare up at the sky, silently pointing out the constellations I can find; asterisms like the Big Dipper, or Orion's Belt. The sky is beautiful this time of year--especially tonight. Tonight is one of those nights; the nights where I am missing you the most. This is the kind of night I imagined spending with you, curled up together beneath a blanket, lost in the stars, and each others' arms. But instead I lie alone, the itch of grass beneath my knees.

I try and remember the last time I felt truly at peace. I quickly come to the realization that it's been three months. Three months since I've felt happy. Three months since I've felt inspired. Three months since I've felt motivated. Three months since I've felt alive. Because you, you made me feel alive for the first time in my life. And now? Now I don't feel anything at all. Most days I do alright. I drag myself out of bed, trying to find the will to press on through the day. 'One day at a time,' I keep telling myself, hoping that the days will string into weeks, the weeks to months, and the months will lead to something resembling okay. And so I carry on, and survive the day with little more than the will to live. But I make it believable. As far as everyone else is concerned, I am more than fine. Sure, I can pretend in the daylight. But late at night, when the world is still, and there is no audience to be found, it is your face that fills my thoughts just as I fall asleep. It is your memory that follows me everywhere I go.

Lying in the darkness, I come to the conclusion that it is the steady sound of your heartbeat I miss the most. Or maybe the warmth of your arms, or the tickle of your breath against my ear. Maybe it's the sleepy sound of your voice as you whisper "goodnight babe" as we're both drifting off to sleep, or the feel of your lips against my forehead in the early morning hours, when you thought I was still sleeping. Or could it be the sound of your laughter ringing in my ears, or the sight of your smile when we were seeing each other for the first time in awhile? Maybe I miss the smell of your shirt against my skin, or the feel of your kisses, each one with just as many fireworks as the first time.

It is now that I take notice of the steady stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, and I realize that I miss everything. Every sight, every sound, every sensation of you. I miss the good things, and the things that drove me crazy, and every little thing I took for granted. I miss you; the very essence of you. And with every day that passes, I only miss you more.

I blink away the tears that remain, and look again to the sky, searching for an answer to the question that haunts me every day. Why? Why couldn't we have lasted forever? I pray to God, begging for a response, for an end to the misery of living without you. But the seconds pass, and there is no answer, and there is no end. And yet, I still wait. I still wait for your return. I still wait for "I love you," "I miss you." "I'm sorry" "I was wrong." But that never comes either. And somewhere deep inside, I know it never will. What you and I had was so perfect, so precious, and so rare. And we've lost it forever. It will never be replicated, no matter how hard either of us will try.

But know this: you were my fairy-tale; my knight in shining armor, my Prince Charming, and my hero. You gave me life, you gave me love, and you meant more to me than anyone I've ever loved, and anyone I could ever love again. I will never be the same as I was before I met you. You were home to me, and now, wherever you lie, there my heart lies also.

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