Wednesday, February 11, 2009

God put us here, on this carnival ride...

...we close our eyes; never knowing where it'll take us next.

I have a lot of thoughts currently pouring through my head. I really don't know where I'm going lately. I'm just so desperate to feel something, from someone; anyone. I'm desperate to find somewhere to deposit everything my heart has to give. I really do have so much to offer, but I don't think anyone will ever see it. I saw a postcard on PostSecret a couple weeks ago, and I started bawling when I read it. It was beautiful and sad and I could have written it myself:

Lately, I really do feel as though I'm riding this carnival ride, that I just can't get off of. It spins faster and faster, blurring everything within my line of sight. I keep begging to slow down, but it never does. I don't know if it ever will...& I'm riding alone.

That thought alone scares me. I don't want to ride alone. It's not fun to go by yourself, and when things get scary, you don't have a hand to hold. I so desperately long for one...

I hold onto my faith, and I pray and know that everything will happen in God's time. I just wish God's watch was syncronized with mine. Three years is a long time to hold onto something you can't have. While jrb will always be "my first love," I am so tired of his games and the way he is constantly jumping between extreme sweetheart and extreme asshole. He is my best friend one day and an asshole the next, and I deserve better than a part-time friend. Everyone in the world kept telling me so; ags, alf, ael, ael, slt--I know I should have listened each and every time, but I couldn't bear to believe that they were right. But more and more, I see it's true. And more and more, he makes me hate him. For everything he's done and all he's put me through. I am still struggling with the hardest word: goodbye. I can never seem to get it off my tongue and pass it through my lips. No matter how badly I need to.

I so desperately wish that cae would let me in. I think he started to, but then again, he's started to so many times before. Even through all he's gone through, I've never been able to give up on him. He is such an amazing person, with a beautiful spirit. He is so bright and incredible, but that light he's always had has been dimmed by the choices he's made. I truly believe that this time he really is trying to change, and I pray that he finds the strength to do so. And part of me has never given up on that spark that I felt for him, and sometimes I still find myself wishing for some fire to come of that spark, even if the logical part of me knows none ever will. *sigh* Sometimes, I'm still that naive seventeen year old girl, wanting and wishing for things that will never happen.

It's the wheel of the world turning around. In the blink of an eye it can change your life, & it never even slows down. It's the wheel of the world. I don't know what it is; I'm flying high, then I'm wondering why I'm sinking on this ship, going down. Life keeps on moving anyway. It can open your heart; it can break you apart & it never even slows down. It's the wheel of the world turning around.

Allyson Rae
"peace, love & music."

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