The Object of My Affections

I will not lie--I have fallen in love with a fictional character.

This may or may not have happened before.

First there was Harmon Rabb

The Navy Commander Tomcat Pilot-turned JAG lawyer.
He was handsome & strong and a hero.
I was 13 & in need of saving.

Then came Luke Danes

The rugged, silent-type diner owner.
He had a heart of gold, a set or good morals & an endless supply of coffee & donuts.
I was 16, & he was rough around the edges.

How could I forget Dr. Gregory House.

The grumpy, antisocial, curmudgeon with a pain problem & a Vicodin habit.
But he played piano, & guitar, and he was a doctor--a sexy doctor.
I was 18, & he was a beautiful mess.

While I loved these men dearly, & quite nearly gave them all I had, there is one man who has entirely captured my heart.

His name, my friends, is Professor Severus Snape.

Ah, yes--the collective set of gasps I just heard was just exactly the kind of response I expected. So HOW in Merlin's name could I possibly find myself attracted to the "dungeon bat" do you ask? Well, it's quite simple, really.

Above all, he is brilliant. The man became a Potions Master & a Professor by the age of 21. He has invented several new Potions of his own, while finding ways to improve upon already existing Potions, rendering them more efficient under the pseudonym "the Half-Blood Prince." He is also proficient in the art of writing his own spells, as well as some of the rarest forms of magic known among wizard-kind. (At this point, I beg of you--do not burst my bubble about the nonexistence of the wizarding world. As far as I am concerned, magic is real, Hogwarts really hides somewhere in Scotland, and the owl carrying my letter got lost or died on its way.)

Severus is one of the bravest men anyone could ever imagine. He willingly put himself in harm's way by serving as a double agent between Light and Dark. By risking himself to Lord Voldemort in order to bring information back to Dumbledore & the Order, he saved countless numbers of lives, and was really, as much of an asset to the cause as Harry Potter himself was.

He is wise and mature, which draws me to him in ways I cannot describe. The person I am longs for an intelligent conversation, not immaturity, which is what I find in the majority of men my age. I need stability and passion, not nonsense and a lack of tact.

Professor Snape has this mysterious, brooding quality about him, which instantly attracts me to him on a physical level. He is tall, foreboding and intimidating, but yet his dark eyes hold something inside them that shows me he has a heart and soul worth reaching out for. I feel he is capable of receiving love--as well as loving others himself, although it would be a difficult struggle for him to really allow himself to open up. The man is jaded and hurting, after all.

But then maybe that is why I latched on to him in the first place. He is damaged, in desperate need of repair. And I am in need of someone whom I can fix--or ultimately, someone who can fix me. It seems to be a common link between the men I bring into my life (fictionally speaking, of course.) Harm has spent much of his life in a desperate search for his missing father, while Luke is still reeling from the tragic losses of both his parents when he was younger; his mother when he was a child, and his father when Luke was near 20. Dr. House is more obviously broken, with the damage to his leg, and the abuse of prescription painkillers. But his pain runs deep, to an emotional level, where he struggles with the ideas of love, and commitment, and hope. Severus Snape is much the same, hurting physically from the effects of acting as a spy (which ultimately leads to his death--but we won't discuss that, because in my mind, Snape lives forever. Another bubble I'd prefer you let me keep from bursting thankyouverymuch.) as well as emotionally from the loss of his childhood best friend/love, Lily Evans. the mother of the Chosen One. The guilt he feels over her (and her husband's) death is insurmountable, and the price he pays is heartbreaking in and of itself. He sacrificed so much of himself for that cause, and has nothing to show for it.

Severus Snape is a brilliant, misunderstood, mysterious, and noble man, who deserved so much better than the hand he was dealt. Perhaps this is why I love the dark and brooding man in the billowing black robes. Don't take me the wrong way. I will continue waiting on my real life "Half-Blood Prince" to come along, black cape and all. But until that day comes, I will continue to find myself lost in love between the pages of the books where he resides.

Author's Note: For the record, this was more a character study of Professor Snape, and the romantic aspect of this post should not be taken seriously. I am not actually "in love" with a character from a book. Or any television shows. These men are merely considered "fandom infatuations." I enjoy watching television shows, or reading books, and spending hours analyzing the characters and the plot-lines. I find it more interesting than analyzing my own life. haha. However, I will admit that if I ever meet a man with the many qualities possessed by Severus Snape, I would not hesitate to melt over him like a popsicle on the fourth of July. :)

Super Mario & Paychecks

So TJMaxx hired me. June 15, 2009. woot! That phone call was probably the best one ever. I love the job so far & hopefully it will stay that way. First paycheck Friday!!! :D

I bought two Super Mario games off of eBay last week for my Super Nintendo. I've been playing ever since. I love Mario. & Luigi. & YOSHI! & them little Goomba things that look like squished monkeys. Yeah, they're bad guys, but they make me giggle. Mario is a nice change of pace from Tetris. I mean...Tetris clears my mind so I can focus on thinking about things I may not particularly want to think about. But Mario...well he just lets me stomp on bad guys and slide down flagpoles. That's pretty sweet.

I sang the National Anthem at the Jammers game last night. Everyone told me I did great, and I mean..I did okay. But I started too high, so it's wasn't the best I've done. AND my mom forgot how to make a camera turn on, so I don't have any pictures. ughhh. But that's okay. I've got another game August 11th. I'll just give it another go. :) But I need camera-literate people to come, so I don't have to trust my mom again. She sucks at cameras. For real.

I'm going to Subway with Ashley tomorrow. We were gonna go today, but her car broke down, so we have to wait. Then Monday, I guess Shara & I might go to the mall or something. I'm excited 'cause we haven't hung out in foreverrrr & I miss her.

Hmmm. I had a lot to write about awhile ago, but I don't remember any of what I was going to talk about. Maybe it's better off that way...maybe my thoughts are all better left unsaid.

Nothing Ever Changes

Nothing ever changes.

I am still the same girl I was the last time I wrote here: single, jobless, pathetic.

I'm not finding what I'm looking for, I'm tired of waiting, and I don't know what else I can do.

I've been beyond isolated lately--on purpose. I stopped carrying my phone with me, I stopped signing onto AIM, I only ever played games and updated my status message on Facebook. I didn't feel like talking; I don't feel like much of anything at all.

"It's 3am and I'm still awake, writing a song. If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to." Ah, a slightly altered song lyric - sue me. Song lyrics are the only thing that seem to make sense anymore. Well that and House/The Nanny/Gilmore Girls/Bones episodes. Yes, television has been acting as a psuedo-therapist lately. It's probably not healthy, but it's there.

I can't take this anymore. I can't deal with anything right now. I'm so tired, and I'm so done.

And not one sane person I know even takes the time to read this thing anyway; which is probably a good, safe idea for them. My thoughts tend to corrupt and utterly ruin a person. Sorry, my bad.

Sincerely,
Lost and Drowning

Another Letter to the Man I'm Meant to Be With;

I don't know if I have met you or not, but either way there isn’t a single day that goes by without me thinking about you. I think of where you are and what you are doing. I wonder if you are smiling right now, and I wonder if you are thinking about me. Sometimes, I begin to imagine you with your current girlfriend. Or perhaps you are nursing an aching heart? I have to ask: Do you miss her? Do you miss the way her hair fell in her face and how her smile lit up the room? Will the pain she has brought you cause you to appreciate me more when I show up? I hope so.
You see, I've always wondered if all of the awful things I've been through have happened to make me better suited for you. I figure that all of the heartache I've felt will eventually lead me to something amazing, like having you in my life. Maybe one day this struggle will bring me to where you are, wherever you are.
Let me tell you about how absolutely ridiculous I'm going to look when we meet. See, it probably will happen when I least expect it. I will be down on my luck, and it will feel as if it will never get any better. Perhaps I just began my first day on the job of my dreams, perhaps I just got fired. Maybe I will walk into a classroom with my computer under my arm and a cup of morning coffee in my hand. Maybe it will be a warm summer day, maybe it will be a blizzard in the dead of winter, or maybe a dreary, rainy day in the middle of spring. I can't really tell you the details of that day, although I wish I could. I wish I knew just how it would happen. But God will never let me know until it’s the right time for both of us to meet. He wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise for us. But I am sure it will be a day we will never forget. I apologize ahead of time if my hair is a disaster and my makeup is a mess. Oh, and I'm also sorry if my jeans are torn or if I just woke up on your roommate’s couch from a wild night of partying and I lost my pants. Really, I apologize in advance. Do not let this occurrence tarnish your opinion of me. I'm not usually like this, I swear.
Oh, and sorry if I make a fool of myself in front of your parents. I probably will. Also, about that inappropriate joke I told your mother... be grateful I didn’t get to the punch line. Here’s a hint: it involved a donkey, a priest, and a candlestick. You connect the dots.
I promise I will always appreciate you and who you are. I will appreciate your effort, your care towards me, your unconditional love, and even the times that you don't quite get it right. I will forgive you for forgetting our anniversary, for not picking up the ice cream like I asked, for leaving the toilet seat up, and even for changing the radio station in the car during my favorite song. I promise you, even if I seem angry and annoyed, I still love you.
Please accept all of my flaws and imperfections. Please understand why I fight so hard to keep you around. It’s only because I have never felt this good before. I have never felt that there is something there for me to fight so mercilessly for. There has never been a day in my life when the sun shone this bright, the sound of music delighted me this much, the sky was a shade of the clearest blue, and the stars were finally aligned just for us. I can also tell you now that I have never felt this way about anyone before. Not once. Not ever. Never again. I am all yours, and that means even the not-so-great stuff. But I promise to do my best when it comes to you and I, and together we will be amazing. Together until the very end, okay? When others were praying for insignificant things; I asked God only for you. That is why I fight so hard for you.
There will be days when I am angry at you, and days when I'm jealous or insecure. Those days will come and go and I will always end up remembering all the many the good things about you. The things that I have fallen in love with.
So today as you sit where you are, as you do what you do, please remember; I am here, and I love you already. This day in May all I can think about is you. I miss you and I bet I haven't even met you yet.

Uh this song saved my life a little bit.

A couple years ago, I was going through some...stuff. And I went to KB with Brian & Amber & some cool people like that, and I saw Casting Crowns for the first time ever. I heard this song & seriously cried forever. yeah. so today I played it [kinda]. this is what I do when I have too much time on my hands. lol.

*sigh*

You were here today. You were actually here, face to face with me today. I could reach out & touch you, look at you, smile at you, laugh with/at you, yell at you, stare at you--you were here. Actually, really, completely in the flesh here.

From the moment I heard my dog barking at the window, to the moment I launched myself at you, right up until the moment I watched you drive away, down the road, my mind was absolutely racing with every possible, conceivable thought. And as I hugged you for the 439685769578363th time, I really, truely, finally realized something.

I'm okay. 99.9% absolutely okay. That 0.1% is the spark that is always, always, always gonna exist in my heart for you, the 0.1% that will continue holding out hope for the "spending the rest of my life with my first love" fairy-tale ending. But the other 99.9% of me is--absolutely okay with us and the way we are. You were here with me, and for that half an hour...it was as nothing had ever changed. We picked up right where we left off; the way best friends always do.

jrb, I will always and forever love you. But I swear on the lives of my cats that you apparently despise, even though you pet them, that I am absolutely and completely okay with whatever future you and I may or may not have. I will find someone new and I will fall in love again, and I will have a happy ending. Even if it isn't with you.

Because you and I have something that I wouldn't trade for all the stars in the sky.

We have each other; we have what we have.

And it's enough.

Ohh House Season Finale - How you torment my poor heart.

If you didn't already know, I am a self-proclaimed House addict. I am to House as Gregory House is to vicodin. Basically. I am also a Huddy shipper, meaning that I think House and Cuddy are the OTP...or one true pairing. So I have been highly anticipating the last two episodes of the season. Why? Because it was highly rumored that there would be a House/Cuddy hook-up. last week, we got our very first taste...we got the House/Cuddy kiss(es). And I was so happy. And waiting for this week's episode so we could see the fall-out from the happenings between my OTP. And boy did we get some fall-out. *sigh*

So here is my reaction:

Initally, I was screaming at the television. "What? OMG NOO! How can this be happening? What are you doing? What is going on?" I was bawling, and going nuts, and scaring the crap out of my roommates. Then I let it sink in a little. I got on the phone with my friend Jordyn, who I got addicted to the show after two weeks ago. We started discussing and analyzing the show, and I started to come to terms with what happened.

House hallucinated. Everything. From the moment just before he asked Cuddy for help, through the detox, the 'interesting lunatic' conversation, right up to the kiss...& the post-kiss. & I am devastated that it was all in his head.

But look at all the new story-lines to be found. All the things he was saying in this episode...the wondering about the House/Cuddy relationship, the 'moving in together' "joke"...that was all his subconcious mind speaking about what he is really thinking about up there.

His being committed due to a psychotic break is something in and of itself. I am so excited to see the fall-out from all of this; with his team, with Wilson & of course with Cuddy. I am excited to see the way the writers "fix" what is going on in his mind, and see what comes of House in season six.

I loved the way this episode played out, and while I wish that the Huddy could have been real..I think that this way will make the next season of House even more interesting.

I also know a lot of people are upset because they think the show is losing it's medical focus. And while it's true House is a medical drama...it is ultimately about the character of House, and while the medical mysteries are interesting and important...I enjoy watching House's character development even more. There can be more than one focus in any television series, and I think House has a good balance.

Oh, and more more thing: Hugh, and Lisa...are beyond incredible. Emmy-worthy acting tonight, without a doubt.

There ends my reaction to the House season 5 finale, "Both Sides Now." I'm telling you, if you don't already watch the show; start! It's so worth watching. Smart writing, amazing acting, and interesting storylines. Get caught up over the summer, and then in Fall, when we see our beloved diagnostician once again, you will understand what is going on. So until September - House, PLEASE be okay :(