It's easy...

Dear Big Guy,

It's easy when I'm nowhere near him. I don't see him, hear his voice, make eye contact. I'm so...happy. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to try and make a relationship work. Hell, I don't even want to be friends. At all. Not even a little bit. He is the worst thing in the world for me, and I'm happy without him. He hates me for nothing, and if that's how he wants to feel, then I'm fine with that.

But just when I feel safe. I'm not worried about running into him anymore. I just don't even care at all. & then I chance going out and doing something...there he is. I don't know what it is. I'm happy with where I am right now. It's just...when I see him, I lose all rational thought. My stomach drops to my pelvis, my heart pounds, and I can't think. at all. It's not that I'm not over him, because I feel like I've crossed the Golden Gate Bridge four times with how over him I am. Jordyn says it's because he was my first "real" love. I hope that there's another reason, or that it goes away soon. Because its inevitable that he'll keep being in all the places I am; we live in the same place, basically. But if I have to feel the way I felt today every time I see him, I'll move to Peru to escape.

I hope he finds happiness, and gets everything he deserves out of life. I will always care that he is doing well for himself. But I am so happy with my life, and I'm happy with moving on and where I'm going right now. I don't need to forget how to think everytime I see him. So if I could just not see him ever again, that would be great. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me.

It's a Pumpkin Spice Kind of Morning...

Walking across campus after my killer Psych Stats class this morning, only one thought was running through my mind: What am I going to order at Starbucks this morning? Yes, I am lucky enough to have a Starbucks right here on my college campus. And seeing as though I have a four hour break between classes, where do you think I usually end up?

Now normally, my go to drink is the simple, no-muss-no-fuss, Caffè Vanilla Frappuccino (no whip. I HATE whipped cream on my coffee drinks.) It's sweet, and icy, and the coffee taste isn't too overpowering. But this morning was a little nippy, and I wanted something warm. Hot chocolate wasn't going to do the trick--I needed the caffeine. I finally finished the trek across campus, and stood, staring intensely at the menu on the wall. When out of the corner of my eye I saw it. The beautiful picture that drew me in . "The Happy Return" it said. That just had to be a good sign. So I stepped out of my comfort zone, looked the barista in the eye and ordered it...the Pumpkin Spice Latte. She handed me my cup with a smile, and I settled myself at my usual table. I took a deep breath, brought the cup to my lips and sipped.

Each spice - cinnamon, clove and nutmeg - was easy on my palette, and while the espresso flavor was still a little strong for my taste, the overall drink was a lovely combination that I am thoroughly satisfied with. Made with 2% milk, and minus the whipped cream, this drink came in at only 240 calories, versus the 220 calories of my go-to drink. For only 20 calories more, I think it's a nice change of pace. Now that I know what expanding my horizons can be like, I won't stop here. I will courageously try several more signature drinks that I have been wanting to try, but lacking in the bravery department to actually do so.

In keeping with my pumpkin theme of the morning, I went all out and purchased the Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin, the one that has been teasing me from behind the glass for weeks now. This muffin was...something out of a dream. I texted a friend of mine, and this is what I had to say. "But this muffin. OMG it's to DIE for. I'm serious. I would sacrifice my life for one bite. If I'm ever on death row, this will be part of my last meal. I'm in love. Oh, Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin. I think that my wedding cake will be made out of you." Yes, this muffin really WAS that good. Moist and delicious, I actually ate around the cream cheese, because that put it over-the-top in the sweetness department. Although I could do without the candied pumpkin seeds on top. Just not my cup of latte I suppose. ;) This muffin comes in at a whopping 470 calories, but it was so sweet I could only eat half, so I'm clocking it at about 235. Which is still a lot, but nothing I can't live with when it comes to a muffin that is a gift from God.

Starbucks, you've done it again. I love you. However...my bank account isn't quite so happy. Indulging my habit has cost me about $50 bucks alone since the beginning of the semester. But the habit isn't going anywhere, so I guess I'm just gonna have to make more money. Hey TJMaxx! Time for a raise. ;)

"Because I believe above all, that love is something that is discovered through the good times and sustained in the bad times."

Currently Listening:
Getting Dressed in the Dark
By Jaron and the Long Road to Love
Pray for You

After my last breakup, I've spent a lot of time sulking, moping, and feeling sorry for myself. But in the course of all that, I've begun to figure out who it is that I really am, and what exactly it is that I am looking for. I refuse to keep settling for second best because second best doesn't get you anywhere but dissatisfaction and heartache.

I want a boy who can make me laugh, who makes me feel special, who likes or can tolerate country music, who will enjoy lazy days watching movies on the couch just as much as he'll enjoy a Friday night on the town, and won't mind when I'd rather stay in than go out because I'm exhausted from my life. I want someone sweet, kind, considerate, smart, respectful (especially of my parents--for God's sake, DON'T meet my parents for the first time and say "Hi Mom." just DON'T.), and fun to be around. I want someone who doesn't smoke, who doesn't do drugs, who isn't afraid of a real relationship, or of sharing his feelings and thoughts with me. I need someone who is open and honest, who won't keep secrets, who is spontaneous to a point, but who won't change his mind about the things that really matter, like "I love you." I want someone who can make me feel beautiful, and who can reassure me on the bad days, and celebrate with me on the good ones. I need someone who will be there, who I know I can count on.

If you are or can be any and/or all of those things, don't hesitate to let me know. :) Because I promise you, that I can be an amazing girlfriend, if you give me the chance to try. I am honest and open and fun, and I really am up to try just about anything at least once. I am loyal almost to a fault, and when I love you, I love you fiercely, with everything I have--the good & the bad things about you. Because I believe above all, that love is something that is discovered through the good times and sustained in the bad times. And if you survive the bad, then you know that what you feel is real, and that makes the good times to come even that much better.

& I bet He'd understand a heart like mine.

I ain't the kind you take home to mama;
I ain't the kind to wear no ring.
Somehow I always get stronger
When I'm on my second drink.

Even though I hate to admit it,
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes ew.
Christian folks say I should quit it;
I just smile and say "God Bless."

'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine.

Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo, *soon.
But said he loved me anyway.
My brother got the brains of the family, I have a sister, & I got those too :)
So I thought I'd learn to sing.

'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine.

I'll fly away from it all one day.
And I'll fly, I'll fly away.

But these are the days that I will remember,
When my name's called on the roll.
He'll meet me with two long stem glasses,
And make a toast to me coming home.

'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand--
Understand a heart like mine.
Oh, yes he would. ♥


I'm tired of hypocrites. I'm tired of being told "We should love everybody, because Jesus did & it's the right thing to do," but being told it's wrong to be gay, do drungs, drink, smoke, or be an unwed mother. Who are we to say what is right and wrong? Who are we to judge anyone else for who they are, what they do, or how they feel? It isn't our business; it isn't our place to decide. Leave the judgements for the Judgement Day & love everyone--Jesus died for ALL of us, not just some.

I am the most screwed up person in the world.

"I know. I love you. I wish I didn't. But I can't help it."

-House, 6x22, "Help Me"

story of my freakinggg lifeeeee.

someone shoot me. this is getting old.

-A ♥

PS:

^^I want this. Thanks.

break through.

It amazes me. How you can take three steps forward, and then a million more back out. I was doing alright. But of course, you know it can't stay that way for long.
I stayed friends with JEK's best friend on Facebook. & today I liked one of his statuses. Little did I know that JEK would decide to comment on it. It had nothing to do with me. He wasn't talking to me, about me or acknowledging me at all. But it didn't matter. That little red notification at the top of the page with his name on it -- it was like a lightning bolt right through my heart. & now, I'm sitting here...and I just miss him. I can't help it. I'm fighting the temptation to pull out his box and curl up with Spot in his old Led Zep t-shirt. I'm fighting the voice inside telling me to pick up the phone and dial his number. Trust me, I've gotten as far as the sixth digit before I snapped it shut and threw it across the room.
I can't do this. Why couldn't a good thing ever last? We were perfect for each other, and he threw it away. We could have fixed things. I could have backed off and given him space. I could have done a million things differently. I just miss him. His arms were home to me. Now I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of trying to forget. I'm tired of trying to be angry, or to hate him, or to just not care. I just want my heart back. I just want him back.

Why is it so hard? It was so long ago. I don't know where to start or what to say to you. I've been all alone needing you by my side. But it's not too late; maybe we just needed time. Can we try to let it go? If we don't than we'll never know. I try to break through but you know that it's up to you...& I know that our love can grow, but this damn river needs to flow. I will try to break through but you know that it's up to you.

Currently Listening:
Breakthrough
By Colbie Caillat
Break Through

in response to the question: "What would you like to say to your exes?"

Dear Emotionally Unavailable Ex,

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me the value of a heart, and for showing me nothing is worse than giving it away only to get it back in pieces. Thank you for making me finally feel safe; like I belonged somewhere, like I was worth loving -- and for making me strong when you snatched it all away. Thank you for every moment we spent laughing, talking, kissing and holding each other, and thank you for every tear I've cried since you walked away, because all those tears have formed a moat around my heart, encased like a fortress. The drawbridge is up and the alligators are biting. Which means that the next guy is going to have to fight to get to it. And while I know it will make future relationships much more difficult to be successful, I know that in the end, the right man will be the man who fought against all the protection that your actions caused me to create, and who never gave up, despite how difficult it may have been. He will be the man who is worthy of me, because he fought to keep me.

I will never regret our relationship or the time we spent together. I can honestly say that I loved you with all of my heart. You taught me more about love than I could have ever dreamed, and I wouldn't trade any of that, despite the pain I've been living in without you. I know that beneath the cold exterior and the angry words, is the heart that loved me, and the man I fell in love with the day we met. He's still there, and while part of me still hopes that you will find that man again, and in time, you will return, I know that the things that have happened since our goodbye will never be able to be erased, and that there will always be a distance between our hearts. I am sorry for everything, and I wish there was some way for us to bridge this distance and forgive each other. But the damage has been done. That will be my only regret; the way our relationship had to end.

Thank you for the time we shared together--the memories we created. Those can never be replaced, because they are priceless and impossible to recreate. I will miss you for as long as I live, because those pieces of my heart you handed back? Well, you forgot one, and now I am without it, because it is with you, wherever you go, despite all that has happened. Go ahead and keep it--I don't want it back, because even if I had it, nothing would ever be the same.

I wish you the best in life, and with everything you do. Even though you don't believe it, you are so talented, and have so much more potential than you think. You will do amazing things, if only you open up your heart and trust in yourself, and in the people who care about you. Stop pushing the world away, because no one deserves to be alone in this world. I believe in you, always.

Love,
Allyson

P.S. Id really like my shirt back. Thanks.

Currently Listening:
Breakthrough
By Colbie Caillat
I Never Told You