it's a first kiss, it's flawless, really something; it's fearless ♥

I just had the most amazing day. I got up around 11, got ready for work left around noon & we stopped at BK Lounge, since I'd been craving it for 20 million years. I had to work 1 to 6, and it's hard to work when you are anticipating something so much. They stuck me in fitting room, which would be fine on a normal day. But with nothing to do, the time drags on. So. Slow. After three hours of that, they pulled me out of there to go run 60 Housewares stuff. I spent the next hour and a half PRAYING for six o'clock. & when it came...I was so happy. haha. A bunch of people knew about the date so they're all like..."OMG Allyson, good luck." hahaha. & I was laughing & I went outside and...there he was. So we went to Wing City, and ate...and it was so funny 'cause he was awkward and nervous and it was so cute. & he held my hand and it fit and I was like...this is it. So he wanted to kill time so we went to Walmart and wandered around holding hands and looking at random shit and talking. Then he drove me home, and we talked some more, and he reached over and held my hand until we got to my house and then we sat there. In the car. & we're both like...ummmm. & he's like "Id ask if you wanted to kiss, but I dunno if that's too soon or something..." and I'm like "Well...no, I don't think it is." and we both kinda leaned in and bumped noses and like...it was that awkward sort of perfect where you're both nervous and shy and its adorable and perfect and my heart skipped a beat and he smelled really good and his hand fit perfect with mine and he's like "I hope this lasts." and like...I couldn't catch my breath and I'm like...I guess I have to get out of the car now haha. Its just so cute 'cause he gets all shy and awkward and I think its adorable and I don't know. I'm just so happy I can't breathe and I had to write it all down so I wouldn't ever forget this moment. ♥

Life Ramblings

I really want to write a blog, but I don't really even know where to start.
It's the end of the semester. I need to get through a 15hr work weekend and 4 finals and then I can say I survived my first semester at Fredonia. To be honest, I really don't like it there. I had two professors I liked, I'm not really enjoying my coursework, and I really haven't made a single real friend since I started there. By the end of my first semester at JCC, I'd made at least five friends. It's so depressing. On days when my JCC friends aren't around for classes, I'm sitting alone, running the battery out on my laptop, then searching for an outlet to plug it back in.
With the exception of one person.
SMS is...unbelievable. We met online 4 months ago, discovered we had a mutual friend, and we each went to her for information on the other. hehe. We met up for coffee a couple times, and before I knew it, we were texting back and forth practically all day, every day. We went out to dinner at Applebee's, got some more coffee...and then life got in the way. We both got caught up in school and work and life, but continued to talk everyday, even though we didn't see each other again for a couple weeks. Over those few weeks, we had several conversations about life, love, and our futures, and with every text, we learned more and more about the other, and realized just how well we fit. We finally had a chance to get coffee again, and we sat for two hours talking about everything and nothing. Then, he texted me one lonely Tuesday while I was sitting alone in a corner, and surprised me so I wouldn't have to sit alone anymore.
He gets how it feels to be broken hearted. He knows how it feels to get dumped; to deal with a bad relationship. He isn't the kind of person who wants to push it or rush it in any way. He's teaching me the art of patience, and the anticipation is making it all so much more exciting. I'm clinging to this feeling because it's...the most amazing thing I've ever felt. He's being careful because he doesn't want to deal with another breakup. He wants his next relationship to be the last. He's not looking for a night, or a week, or a couple months. He is looking for forever. Forever is what I've been searching for my whole life.
He's smart and he's funny. He has goals and plans for his life. He keeps mentioning things in a way that makes it sound like we'll be doing them together, playing video games and going to concerts, and meeting my parents. I'm trying to be apprehensive; I've trying to keep myself from being excited. Because it seems like every time I get excited and get comfortable with something, it gets ripped away. But I can't help but be excited about him. He's everything I've been waiting for. And I'm perfectly happy to continue waiting and anticipating what is to come, because I just have this good feeling that we have all the time in the world to let this happen.
Life is being absolutely wonderful to me lately, & I hope it doesn't decide to crash & burn on me again.

When you think "Tim McGraw," I hope you think of me...

I just did some reminiscing. circa 2005. God, what we had was so innocent, so real. What I'd give to experience that again. Now I face relationships in the adult world. With real world responsibilities, and real world expectations. Back then, we were just two kids in a magic kind of puppy love. That just doesn't happen twice.

I really did love you, despite what I thought when I was with jek, our love existed; it was real. I can try & deny it and claim he was my first love. But I'd be lying. You were my first kiss, my first magic & my first heartbreak. She is so lucky to have you, and I was just lucky to know you & have you in my life for a time. You're beautiful and wonderful and you will make her so happy for the rest of your lives. I only wish I could tell you this all person to person. But I doubt we will ever speak again. It's such a shame.

I miss your friendship. I miss you.



jrb, Thank you for my first glimpse at love. I will never forget you.

"September saw a month of tears & thankin' God that you weren't here to see me like that. But in a box beneath my bed, is a letter that you never read from three summers back. It's hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet & lookin' back on all of that, it's nice to believe. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think my favorite song; the one we danced to all night long, the moon like a spotlight on the lake. When you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress--think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me. & I'm back for the first time since then; I'm standin' on your street. & there's a letter left on your doorstep, the first thing that you'll read is: 'When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think my favorite song. Someday you'll turn your radio on--I hope it takes you back to that place.' When you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me."

It's easy...

Dear Big Guy,

It's easy when I'm nowhere near him. I don't see him, hear his voice, make eye contact. I'm so...happy. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to try and make a relationship work. Hell, I don't even want to be friends. At all. Not even a little bit. He is the worst thing in the world for me, and I'm happy without him. He hates me for nothing, and if that's how he wants to feel, then I'm fine with that.

But just when I feel safe. I'm not worried about running into him anymore. I just don't even care at all. & then I chance going out and doing something...there he is. I don't know what it is. I'm happy with where I am right now. It's just...when I see him, I lose all rational thought. My stomach drops to my pelvis, my heart pounds, and I can't think. at all. It's not that I'm not over him, because I feel like I've crossed the Golden Gate Bridge four times with how over him I am. Jordyn says it's because he was my first "real" love. I hope that there's another reason, or that it goes away soon. Because its inevitable that he'll keep being in all the places I am; we live in the same place, basically. But if I have to feel the way I felt today every time I see him, I'll move to Peru to escape.

I hope he finds happiness, and gets everything he deserves out of life. I will always care that he is doing well for himself. But I am so happy with my life, and I'm happy with moving on and where I'm going right now. I don't need to forget how to think everytime I see him. So if I could just not see him ever again, that would be great. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me.

It's a Pumpkin Spice Kind of Morning...

Walking across campus after my killer Psych Stats class this morning, only one thought was running through my mind: What am I going to order at Starbucks this morning? Yes, I am lucky enough to have a Starbucks right here on my college campus. And seeing as though I have a four hour break between classes, where do you think I usually end up?

Now normally, my go to drink is the simple, no-muss-no-fuss, Caffè Vanilla Frappuccino (no whip. I HATE whipped cream on my coffee drinks.) It's sweet, and icy, and the coffee taste isn't too overpowering. But this morning was a little nippy, and I wanted something warm. Hot chocolate wasn't going to do the trick--I needed the caffeine. I finally finished the trek across campus, and stood, staring intensely at the menu on the wall. When out of the corner of my eye I saw it. The beautiful picture that drew me in . "The Happy Return" it said. That just had to be a good sign. So I stepped out of my comfort zone, looked the barista in the eye and ordered it...the Pumpkin Spice Latte. She handed me my cup with a smile, and I settled myself at my usual table. I took a deep breath, brought the cup to my lips and sipped.

Each spice - cinnamon, clove and nutmeg - was easy on my palette, and while the espresso flavor was still a little strong for my taste, the overall drink was a lovely combination that I am thoroughly satisfied with. Made with 2% milk, and minus the whipped cream, this drink came in at only 240 calories, versus the 220 calories of my go-to drink. For only 20 calories more, I think it's a nice change of pace. Now that I know what expanding my horizons can be like, I won't stop here. I will courageously try several more signature drinks that I have been wanting to try, but lacking in the bravery department to actually do so.

In keeping with my pumpkin theme of the morning, I went all out and purchased the Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin, the one that has been teasing me from behind the glass for weeks now. This muffin was...something out of a dream. I texted a friend of mine, and this is what I had to say. "But this muffin. OMG it's to DIE for. I'm serious. I would sacrifice my life for one bite. If I'm ever on death row, this will be part of my last meal. I'm in love. Oh, Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin. I think that my wedding cake will be made out of you." Yes, this muffin really WAS that good. Moist and delicious, I actually ate around the cream cheese, because that put it over-the-top in the sweetness department. Although I could do without the candied pumpkin seeds on top. Just not my cup of latte I suppose. ;) This muffin comes in at a whopping 470 calories, but it was so sweet I could only eat half, so I'm clocking it at about 235. Which is still a lot, but nothing I can't live with when it comes to a muffin that is a gift from God.

Starbucks, you've done it again. I love you. However...my bank account isn't quite so happy. Indulging my habit has cost me about $50 bucks alone since the beginning of the semester. But the habit isn't going anywhere, so I guess I'm just gonna have to make more money. Hey TJMaxx! Time for a raise. ;)

"Because I believe above all, that love is something that is discovered through the good times and sustained in the bad times."

Currently Listening:
Getting Dressed in the Dark
By Jaron and the Long Road to Love
Pray for You

After my last breakup, I've spent a lot of time sulking, moping, and feeling sorry for myself. But in the course of all that, I've begun to figure out who it is that I really am, and what exactly it is that I am looking for. I refuse to keep settling for second best because second best doesn't get you anywhere but dissatisfaction and heartache.

I want a boy who can make me laugh, who makes me feel special, who likes or can tolerate country music, who will enjoy lazy days watching movies on the couch just as much as he'll enjoy a Friday night on the town, and won't mind when I'd rather stay in than go out because I'm exhausted from my life. I want someone sweet, kind, considerate, smart, respectful (especially of my parents--for God's sake, DON'T meet my parents for the first time and say "Hi Mom." just DON'T.), and fun to be around. I want someone who doesn't smoke, who doesn't do drugs, who isn't afraid of a real relationship, or of sharing his feelings and thoughts with me. I need someone who is open and honest, who won't keep secrets, who is spontaneous to a point, but who won't change his mind about the things that really matter, like "I love you." I want someone who can make me feel beautiful, and who can reassure me on the bad days, and celebrate with me on the good ones. I need someone who will be there, who I know I can count on.

If you are or can be any and/or all of those things, don't hesitate to let me know. :) Because I promise you, that I can be an amazing girlfriend, if you give me the chance to try. I am honest and open and fun, and I really am up to try just about anything at least once. I am loyal almost to a fault, and when I love you, I love you fiercely, with everything I have--the good & the bad things about you. Because I believe above all, that love is something that is discovered through the good times and sustained in the bad times. And if you survive the bad, then you know that what you feel is real, and that makes the good times to come even that much better.

& I bet He'd understand a heart like mine.

I ain't the kind you take home to mama;
I ain't the kind to wear no ring.
Somehow I always get stronger
When I'm on my second drink.

Even though I hate to admit it,
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes ew.
Christian folks say I should quit it;
I just smile and say "God Bless."

'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine.

Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo, *soon.
But said he loved me anyway.
My brother got the brains of the family, I have a sister, & I got those too :)
So I thought I'd learn to sing.

'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine.

I'll fly away from it all one day.
And I'll fly, I'll fly away.

But these are the days that I will remember,
When my name's called on the roll.
He'll meet me with two long stem glasses,
And make a toast to me coming home.

'Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine.
He could calm a storm and heal the blind,
And I bet he'd understand--
Understand a heart like mine.
Oh, yes he would. ♥


I'm tired of hypocrites. I'm tired of being told "We should love everybody, because Jesus did & it's the right thing to do," but being told it's wrong to be gay, do drungs, drink, smoke, or be an unwed mother. Who are we to say what is right and wrong? Who are we to judge anyone else for who they are, what they do, or how they feel? It isn't our business; it isn't our place to decide. Leave the judgements for the Judgement Day & love everyone--Jesus died for ALL of us, not just some.